dependency

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by fvckinginsane, Dec 26, 2013.

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  1. fvckinginsane

    fvckinginsane Active Member

    im 15 years old and i just cant be sober. just with everything that has happened recently i havent been coping but when im on some sort of high whether drinking or drugs, all the problems just seem okay at that moment, like i just forget about them for a while. but sometimes it increases my emotions and i get really depressed, to the point where i want to kill myself. i know i should stop and stay sober but i cant, i really cant do it. being taken away from reality is the only thing that keeps me going. this world and my thoughts are too messed up for me to deal with. i just need someone who understands to talk to
     
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    so tell me about the things that you are trying to avoid facing by doing drugs?
     
  3. fvckinginsane

    fvckinginsane Active Member

    just traumatic events, some bad things happened when i was in hospital for a few months that I'll never forget, i always feel lonely when im sober and when im with people drunk or high i feel like i fit in, one thing i try to forget is when i was raped :/ i think about it everyday and have nightmares all the time from it and if i ever see someone that looks similar to the guy i just go into this panic attack and i get really anxious. i always blaim myself for when i got raped like its my fault but when im high i just think it wasnt my fault and that it's okay to be scared but he wont hurt me. but when im sober i just feel like it will happen again, i just dont want to leave the house unless im drunk or high :/
     
  4. fvckinginsane

    fvckinginsane Active Member

    just traumatic events, some bad things happened when i was in hospital for a few months that I'll never forget, i always feel lonely when im sober and when im with people drunk or high i feel like i fit in, one thing i try to forget is when i was raped :/ i think about it everyday and have nightmares all the time from it and if i ever see someone that looks similar to the guy i just go into this panic attack and i get really anxious. i always blaim myself for when i got raped like its my fault but when im high i just think it wasnt my fault and that it's okay to be scared but he wont hurt me. but when im sober i just feel like it will happen again, i just dont want to leave the house unless im drunk or high :(
     
  5. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    Have you gotten any kind of counseling to help you deal with the rape and other issues? If not, please consider doing so.

    I know the alcohol and drugs seem to help, but in the long run, it makes it far worse. I tried it myself, and stayed drunk during a large part of my young adulthood. It never helped me, giving only a very temporary break, and when you sober up, it's even worse. And we don't always make the best of decisions when we are drunk, and we can wind up doing things that we will really regret. At this point, some sort of rehab combined with therapy might really help.
     
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i have been raped 3 times in my life myself, i know its hard to deal with and that it sticks with you long after the event. please dont let anyone or anything ever make you believe the lie that you were in any way responsible for his actions on you.... rape is rape because it is unwanted, as long as u make that known in some way, it is rape....

    i know the drugs can give you a false sense of courage and distort your reality a bit and etc.... but honestlly, you are probably more likely to be raped again while high or drunk than you are while sober... simply for the reason you are not as alert when you are high or drunk and your responses therefore may be slowed or you may not even realize whats going on or not be able to defend yourself at all due to being complete incapacitated due to drugs or alcohol. what is going on i think is that the memory of the rape is still pretty vivid and clear and maybe still pretty fresh in your mind so when you are sober you feel more vulnerable simply because that memory is assaulting you constantly. ronny's suggestion of getting counseling for rape trauma may help you a lot better with that than drugs or alcohol ever could...and it would be a lasting kind of help rather than a fleeting temporary help that you have to renew by getting high or drunk again... which in the long run only creates more problems for you because you may end up getting completely addicted to whatever drugs or alcohol you are using.

    you say that there are "just traumatic events" -- i have 2 comments about that.

    #1 by using the word "just" it sounds like you are trying to diminish your value as a person to me... as if your problems are not important or they are somehow smaller because it is you and not someone else... i hope that is not the case, but if it is i can understand and relate to it and i'd love to talk to you anytime you wish to talk ... i am active both on the forum and in chat you can talk to me in either place as well as inbox me or pm me in chat

    #2 you say "events" .. indicating to me the rape was not the only thing that happened.... would u like to talk about the others? i'm here to listen if you do

    please take care, know that you are special and important and be good to yourself!
     
  7. fvckinginsane

    fvckinginsane Active Member

    yeah that is exactly right... ive been doing therapy for months now and they dont seem to really take into consideration to how i feel about the situation they just ask a million questions which i simply dont want to answer because of they're insensitivity.. they just ask did he hurt you? what happened exactly from the moment it all began to the very end in specific detail? do you have contact with him still? etc. i get they need to ask those questions but i never have the chance to talk about exactly how i feel about it. i am constantly interrupted with another question. ive just given up on talking about it during therapy, waste of time i think. I'd much prefer talk to someone openly who can relate and give me feedback from experience if that makes sense? other things that have been traumatic for me was my suicide attempt, being in hospital for a while fucked me up even more to be honest, losing friends and having literally no one, relationships with family members.. it's just easier to forget when I'm intoxicated i guess
     
  8. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    :freehug:

    i am sorry you have nobody .... i know what that is like too well, i lost my mom when i was 12 and dad emotionally withdrew after that and even after he remarried, he never re-opened his heart to me or anyone and my stepmom and step sisters were anything but caring to me... and even now (i'm 39 now) dad and sister dont really talk to me, i have no real life friends, and my husband is anything but supportive of me.... so i understand how it feels to be alone, just know that i will be here to talk to anytime you want.

    hmm, those questions they ask you sound more like interrogation than they do counseling... perhaps you should change counselors? going through it though in vivid detail like that is something you need to do in order to heal... it lets you de-sensitize yourself from it a little bit at a time so eventually, the memory of it doesn't sting as bad. i can understand wanting to talk to someone you can relate to tho, and as i said, if you want to and you feel comfortable talking to me, you can. also.... there is a rape and abuse forum here..... you will find lots of suport there. we also have a chat here where people can live chat each other like you would on skype or other chat type programs so you can get support that way too. i'm there a lot too.

    i am sorry to hear that you have attempted suicide... was that because of your rape (ie was the rape what triggered you to attempt) or was it something else or other things along with it too? i can understand hospitalization being traumatizing, i have been hospitalized 7 times and none of them have been great but i've not been abused or anything really while there.... did anything like that happen to you there? i know its easy to think and feel that being intoxicated helps, but all it does is mask the pain... while you push it down.... and sooner or later it will all boil back up and explode if you keep doing that, and thats never good cuz it always either implodes, in which case you end up taking all that hurt and anger out on yourself... or it explodes on someone that maybe just happened to look at you wrong, and you take all that hurt and anger out on them, causing you guilt later... dont let that happen, k? lets try to talk it out rather than push it back...
     
  9. fvckinginsane

    fvckinginsane Active Member

    I'm really sorry to hear that! its amazing youve come through it though. i dont know if i even want to do counselling anymore, everytime i go there i never get what i try to say across and it gets all muddled up and doesn't come out the way i want it too. i tell things to my counsellor in simple ways so i dont go into detail and become emotional, she just hears the short story.
    well i tried to attempt suicide for a number of reason, the main reason was rape though. when i was in hospital it was horrible. all the nurses were so insensitive and rude. they didn't care about us at all they just kind of did what they had to do because it was their job. they also brought in a new patient who was in my year at my school, who had a go at me for being in hospital and that i wasnt going to get better right before i was admitted into hospital and her brother was one of the reasons i ended up in their and none of the staff seemed to give a fuck. then this girl said i was bullying her which wasnt true i just wasnt talking to her because i didnt feel comfortable so they sent me home on leave and called my mum the next day and discharged me over the phone.... that weekend i attempted suicide and got driven back to that hospital and all my psychologist asked about was why i bullied this girl which i didnt even bully her! and she never asked me if i was okay after my suicide attempt or asked me anything about it and later she said i dress inappropriate and guys dont respect me because i dont respect myself.. they discharged me 3 days after my attempt. i thought it was really bad for them to do all of that :/
     
  10. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    hmm... one thing i found helps me when i go to counseling and know i have to talk about hard things... i write it down and just hand it to my counselor... could that maybe be beneficial to you too?

    wow, yea when you told them that you had issues w/ the girl, they should have made an effort to keep you guys apart or else to help you both reconcile your differences... i am sorry you ended up being made out to look like the bad guy though...

    as far as your counselor goes.. i would report her for the comment about guys not respecting you because you dont respect yourself because to me that kinda borders insinuating it was in some way your fault WHICH IT WAS NOT that you were raped.... and it does NOT matter how you dress, that does not put blame on you at all either. sometimes you can be discharged 3 dys after an attempt depending on teh progress they feel you have made, so that is still within acceptable boundaries, but i'm sorry to hear all the other thigns you went through.... but you do still need to go to counseling, just maybe look for a diff one would be my suggestion..
     
  11. fvckinginsane

    fvckinginsane Active Member

    yeah i think i might write everything down and hand it to her that would be better, thanks for that :) I'll keep seeing my counsellor but it's not really been helping :/ I'll keep giving it a chance though. and yeah i wouldve reported her but she was my psychologist in hospital so i never have to see her again thank god
     
  12. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    yw, i hope it helps you... you can still report the psychologist even though it was only for a temporary time... anytime you see a psychologist they are supposed to be professional and not do/say anythign to hurt u... that had the potential to hurt you.. up to u tho
     
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