Depressed.. again. Feeling hopeless. Why do we cut?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TinyTrooper, Sep 22, 2014.

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  1. TinyTrooper

    TinyTrooper Member

    I've been good for a few months now but all of a sudden I'm back to feeling overbearing depression. I've been living alone for a month and I think it's really taking a toll on me. I feel like I have no one to talk to and don't even need to hide being depressed anymore. When I lived at home I would at least try to fake happiness and sometimes believe it, but being alone I can just come home from work and lay in bed. I also started sort of cutting again. I don't know why I do it, and I don't dig in with a knife deep enough to bleed and scar, but I like to write a word on me each week and daily I just go over and over and over it gently with a knife, so it's red and makes tiny marks, but not enough to scar or be noticeable to others (and it's on my thigh anyway). This week I went with "nothing". It makes me feel better for some reason and I can't even explain why, but it also makes me feel crazy. I'm at the point where I scare myself sometimes with suicidal thoughts and would like a therapist, but I really can't afford one :/ I don't know what to do or how to make myself feel better and make the depressing pain and crying I feel go away. I try to talk to my boyfriend, but I don't think he understands at all, so I'm posting here because I know people are probably going through similar situations, which really is comforting in itself.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    First step to take is to talk to your doctor ok who can help you Opening up here helps you are not alone here right we do understand hugs
  3. Bashik

    Bashik Member

    Hey , TinyTrooper. I can imagine how difficult going from being around people nearly constantly to having all that surplus alone time could be. I found what you said about faking happiness interesting.
    I do this as well, as i still currently live with my family. I always wonder what it will be like to come through the door and not hear the sound of them moving around or never hear my mom ask why i have not spoken to hear all day. If i do make it to that point in my life when I’m living alone, I'm convinced that without those ties that i currently have tethering me to the disguise i put on everyday, i will not last more than a week. With no reason to pretend I will have to succumb to reality eventually. This does not mean you should. Isolation is perhaps the worst thing someone in a depressive state can experience, though if you are anything like me, you feel isolated around people as well. I wish i could help with the cutting but i myself have never done and know very little about it, other than the obvious. I do know plenty about depression. I hear many people say they want a therapist but cannot afford one, which hurts me, and makes me feel even worse about myself, because I have to means to get one and have not even a small desire to do so. Well, so what can you do to ease the depression? How about trying to get out of the house. The problem right now is you come home from work and lay in bed which is only further strengthening your depression and isolation. You said you have a boyfriend. Why not go out with him or if they are present, some other friends? In fact, you don't even need to leave the house. Just being around someone else will help, so invite someone over. As for him not understanding, it is very difficult for someone who has not be depressed to the point that we have to understand what it is like. Its like advanced microbiology to an ant.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Trooper, this is what happens when a depressed person lives alone. can't you move in with someone?
  5. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    I used to cut just so I could feel something, anything that would take me out of the excruciating banality of life, that was my reason. I always used to believe it was a form of punishment but it was actually something else. whatever reason it's never a good thing because it's still harm. love. fosty.
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