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depressed again

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, May 19, 2010.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Once again Im feeling ruther depressed. Im having chest pains again, my headaches are much worse, and my sleep patterns are all crazy again. Nothing is going right for me at all. I would think that Id be use to it. I mean Im 24 years old and have not had anything go right my entire life. The short near year that things were going good (which was from about the age of 17 to not quite 18) had to crash end ruther suprisingly.

    Some people may find my problems petty but they arent. My life is my life and no one but me is forced to live it. That makes my problems real and not stupid silly little problems.

    I dont know where to start... Lets start with the most recent problem. My toilet wont drain - I think my tank is full or backed up. Which is major because I cant do a damn thing about it. I thought we had the problem fixed and done a load of laundery and guess what happened....the water draining from the washer came up from the toilet and went everywhere...

    Another recent problem - a bill that came in that will be past due before we have more money. Thought I had that problem solved too - by selling something - but the person buying never showed up.

    Then the normal problems (which are a bit silly really) like being out of diet soda, out of sandwhich bread, in desperate need of more blankets/curtains, ect.

    My birthday was recently (May 4th) and it was even near disaster. The night before was miserable - I was crying, ranting, raving, sleepless. I had to force myself to attend my own party and talk to my family. I have to admit it wasnt so bad once I was there but leading up to it was torture...

    My throat swelled something awful the other day. I scratched my foot up and my knuckles up while having a off day. Im so depressed about my weight I want to slice the fat off with a kitchen knife. Im stuck health wise though..I cant afford a treadmill and dont go outside much because of pain (knees, right hip, ect). A treadmill would be perfect for low impact I think. I have problems with my blood sugar too (low sugar not high) which makes me feel starved nearly all the time and sends me crazy if I dont eat...

    Anyhow, I guess I just wanted a rant and a moment to vent.. Nothing seems to be getting that much better. This temporary situation in my life has lasted many years. I dont have anyone to talk to. My moms always to stressed to listen - my grandma to busy - I cant burden my dad - my husbands sort of stupid when it comes to these things... Im just out of things to help me cope.. So Im posting..I dont expect any responces and honestly Im pretty bad to not check back to my own threads (and when I do I usually forget after the first few responces)...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    even small burdens all add up to one major burden I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed with everything. Take one thing and deal with it okay then take the next don't deal with it all at once noone can do that. You are depressed you need to talk to your doctor and change up medication get therapy to help you cope with living okay. You are right every ones problems matter and they can know one down the hole of depression as much as another. Take care of you okay get some help for you to help cope with everything,
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    violet is right ...tackle one thing at a time...otherwise it's too overwhelming...
    talking to your doctor is also a good suggestion....
    hope you'll keep talking to us here and we can offer you some support...
  4. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I cant talk to my doctor or get a medication change - I dont have a doctor and dont take medication - I have no insurance and cant afford to pay for that stuff out of pocket. I went to a free place for a while but the doctor was terrible and it was 120 mile round trip - I was wanted there twice a week and couldnt afford the gas. I applied for free service at a closer place but didnt qualify for their program. Its not such a big deal for me - I had allergic reactions to almost every medication I had to take (and thats a lot of medication when you add up 10 years worth). People who can take their medication without allergies or side effects are lucky - Id like to be able to take medications and not suffer painful side effects or allergic reactions.

    I can say that Im feeling better but not much... My septic seems to be working alright again - my dads leaning more twords a line blockage. My son did admit to flushing a cat toy down the toilet :(

    It would be nice to have someone to talk to again. I cant say I miss therapy all that much because my last therapist hounded me to set therapy goals which really pissed me off....
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad about the toilet thing.....can't live without them....
    we are here to talk to if you need us....
    take care,,
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    lots of caring people here keep venting okay it helps
  7. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Thank you to those who have took time to reply. Im trying my best to take one day at a time but things seem to build up.. I get tired of living the kind of life that I do but theres not much I can do about it. I get tired of having basically no money, living in a dump, and riding around in a old car. I get tired of never having new clothes and not being able to see well out of my ancient scratched up glasses. I think its money that bothers me the worst. If I had money I could seek medical help, buy good clothes, live in decent housing, ride around in a decent car (I say ride because I dont drive), and always have money to buy extra food with when supply drops low.

    I just wish I could do something with the depression. Its mostly me hating myself - my weight, my hair, my everything.... Im so unsatisfied with who I am as a human being - it makes me hate myself as a wife, mother, daugther, you name it and I probably feel crappy about it. For examples: I wish I were more patient with my son - more easy going with my husband - more able to overlook comments with my grandmother - able to communicate better with my mom...

    Lately my glasses are driving me crazy. I cant see shit.. If I clean them the grim mostly smudges and sticks in the many many scratches and when it does come off I doesnt last. They are loose and slip from my face....

    I guess thats enough of my whining now.
  8. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Id like to thank everyone for letting me vent. Now Im back to vent some more.. I had a simi decent day - went into town and got a few groceries (just things for sandwhiches and some diet soda), bought boots for my husband, found two pair of pants for myself on the discount rack, got a few gallon of gas put in the car, and mailed off two books. Now my life has turned right back to shit - not even a few hours later.. My neighbor had a load of wood hauled in. Of course we had to move our car and the damn wood is right in the freaking way now. Stupid ass mooching neighbor - my dad buys his gas and feeds the lazy ass everday. The jack ass pays no rent, leaves trash everywhere (and blames it on us), and makes fun of my dad every chance he gets. I decided to distract myself and call my grandma to tell her to ask her son to let me know when he gets time to weld something for my husband. She lays right in on me..See its that time of year again - the time to start getting fire wood. My husband is disabled - severly..My damn grandmother thinks Im lieing to her about his disability and rags me every damn chance she gets... I always hear how lazy my husband is - how he needs to do things himself..SHIT no one helps us..No one cuts wood for us, we cant afford to pay for it, and no one will haul for us.. My husband could easily be in a freaking wheel chair..Does anyone care NO NO NO THEY DONT... We suffer every bleeping day..We run out of food - gas in our car- toilet paper - wood in the winter.. Our freaking neighbor has a brother who does everything for him - tends to his garden, built his wood shed, cuts his wood, stacks his wood, and pays for it to be hauled in.. Its not freaking fair...I sit around freaking cold because no one helps us.... and I catch the shit for it... My husband is the lazy one - at least what little gets done he actually does and doesnt have a freaking relative do it all for him....Whats bad is my family takes that piss poor excuse for a man neighbors side over mine EVERY TIME.. He leaves trash out in the yard and its my fault...He has wood when we dont and Im the lazy one when he had someone do it all for him.... He has extra money and I dont and Im the stupid one..Shit he has no washer, dryer, fridge that works, hot water heater, or nothing. He doesnt pay his tv bill, has only basic phone service, and mooches food from my dads house daily.. Of course he has money and shit when I dont..I have bills - food to buy - a family to scratch up a life for..... Im just sitting around waiting to die and I mean that.. I welcome the day death grabs me and Im free.. My life is miserable - ever day- nothing changes.. Im still waiting on my ssi to come thru - its an appeals for at least 18 months (about a half year left to wait). Im still waiting to move and probably never will... Im just so depressed and I cant deal with it..No one to talk to..Only the internet to come to.. If I had insurance and medication (I hate to admit it but) Id probably over do it on purpose... I cant get thru life when it goes like this.. Im holding back the tears at this moment because I dont want 50 fake questions from my husband (you know the questions that are meant to sound like he understands)... I have seriously had enough of this crap that I contend with ever day... I hope I didnt say anything that I wasnt suppose to and if so Im very sorry..Thanks again for letting me vent.
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