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Depressed all the time

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Celtictorment, Jan 3, 2016.

  1. Celtictorment

    Celtictorment New Member

    They say a problem shared is a problem halved so I'll get to the issue that bothers me, though I'm doubtful the adage is true in this case.

    I've had a very unhappy life. I was adopted a few days after birth into a very argumentative household. My adoptive parents were very unsuited tempermentally, and every morning I awoke to them screaming at each other. I was an only child. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, which makes me very shy and awkward around people. From the age of 12 I also realised I was gay.

    I made no friends in school and the experience put me off social interaction. I was not diagnosed until I was 15. I was in an allboys school and back then, homosexuality in Ireland was a crime. I felt at first things were not going to badly, but I never invited someone to my house because I was conflicted. I feared that when they became accustomed to my effeminate voice and mannerisms, they would realise I was gay and not want to talk to me anymore. But I felt I was beginning to open up a bit. But I was also picked on for being different. One day the counsellor at my school called me out of class and told me people had been saying I was an "attention seeker". I didn't know what he meant at the time, but in hindsight I can see I come across as odd. I cried as he told me he was going to tell my classmates what he said to me. He then went while I waited in the staffroom and for the next 3 years whenever I tried talking to them, they called me "attention seeker". So eventually I stopped talking altogether. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing wrong, but it may just have been gender conformism. I was probably seen as "unmanly", plus there was my awkwardness around people stemming from my Asperger Syndrome.

    So I stopped going to classes in my third year of second level, and got private tutors. I think this was a mistake that served to isolate me more. I hadn't made a single friend in school. They were all interested in sport and I wasn't. There was a lot of banter in school about girls and I was conspicuous by my lack of interest. I felt I had nothing in common with anyone except interest I shared with some pupils in videogames.

    I became a hermit and I have never had employment. My Asperger was much worse when I was younger. I was terrified of crowds and my experience in school made it worse. I used to run down the street rather than walk, and I never went to pubs (which is still the case). I have never had a relationship. In school I wondered was the reason for my torment because of homophobia, and I hoped I would finally be accepted when I met other gay people. Sadly it was not to be. When I went on the dating sites, meetups were very few and far between. I have struggled with comfort-eating and obesity my entire life almost. There are also a lot of men on the internet that lead me on and stand me up. My only true friend is my mother and my aunt. The latter once told me that the reason I go on like this is that I don't have a job. So I tried going to interviews but always unsuccessfully. I go on IT courses where I was told I am very bright/intelligent by female tutors. But men are more visually driven and I often feel that in a man's world, someone who looks like me can never get on the job or relationship ladder. I feel incredibly depressed and I have self harmed in the past. I used to cry a lot but now I just don't have the energy. I think about suicide all the time, especially recently when yet another one of my relatives is getting married. I feel the world is passing me by. I recently joined an autism support group and while I feel much more comfortable around them as we have our disability in common, I got my wires crossed with someone there who I thought might be interested in me romantically but is actually straight.

    I blame a lot of my problems on being ugly. I am trying to make an effort to lose weight, but its like if you are badlooking, that people can treat you like you are invisible. My only real friend since I was 15 outside my mother and an aunt was a man called Colm who died in 2013. I used to see him every week almost and he would tell me I was goodlooking and he tried to set me up with men but I was too afraid of being rejected. I have a history of bad skin including Seborrheic Dermatitis and Follicultitis. The former causes redness, but was not diagnosed until I was 32. So I went online when I was 26 and bought Skin Bleaching/Whitening Cream from the internet in the hope it would help. Then Colm told me 7 months later I looked "pale and blotchy" and that my skin was unattractive. He pressured me to sit outside 2 hours a day and not to wear sunscreen except every second day. I did this and I think it made my skin age. I now have wrinkles on my forehead. I have tried laser treatments and botox (not for a while in the latter case) but it doesn't seem to fully sort it out. If I shave my face breaks out with Folliculitis pimples that resemble acne. I used to be prescribed antibiotics which worked on them for a while but stopped working years ago.

    Anyway thank you for listening. I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in. I feel worthless because I have no social contact outside my mother and aunt.
  2. Lightwarrior

    Lightwarrior SF Social Media

    Hello, I am sorry to know about your illness , social interaction can be difficult for a lot of people, much more with the ones who have such illness so I can´t imagine what life has been like for You and I understand that loneliness must be unbearable sometimes but You shouldn´t blame yourself at all, specially if it has to do with looks, I guess we humanbeings have always been too much attracted to looks than to hearts but it doesn´t mean looks are more important, looks fail one day, looks turn into ashes, the Heart lives on. If You can do things to improve your physical, not only because of looks but firstly and most importantly because of health, then You should do it and should be persistent, since You are overweight, You will need a lot of perseverence, It´d be good for one to find someone who can assist You in that and then You can join a gym or something but if You find that too much for now since there probably will be many people there, maybe it´d be good to start seeing a psychologist, that way You will start speaking face to face to someone else besides Your mom and it will be great for You !!!!

    There´s one thing You should do, do not feel sorry for yourself, You blaming yourself for your looks seems like to me that You feel sorry for yourself, don´t !!!! Because that´s one of the biggest mistakes You can make because it keeps You from understanding your potentials, keeps You from rising up and leaving behind certain barriers that keep your life locked up and most of all, feeling sorry for yourself makes You want to receive a lot of care and love from others but that´s not the world we live in, sincere care and love is hard to find, no matter how someone looks or what someone might have . Before all, You should start caring and loving yourself more, value your self and your life. I cannot have any opnion on You being gay because I don´t agree with that at all but You should be able to be happy just like anyone else but it´s up to You to start making your moves and leave behind perhaps the sorrow that You´ve been carrying throughout your life because of other people, if it is up to other people, You , me and a lot of others wouldn´t be happy so do not let them control how You feel or direct your emotions into sadness and grief. If You wanna lose weight and be more fit and healthy , You can do it but perseverence is the key and if You wanna be more social, You can also do it but small steps need to be done and I think seeing a psychologist will help You, can be a start , You will leave the house more and soon You will get used to it and situations outside will provide You opportunities to speak to people, even if a few words but You will be making progress, You won´t have those opportunities if You only stay at home.

    I hope You understand my message and reflect about it
    Please do not consider taking your life, it´s a very big blessing You have, do not throw it away
    Value it !!!!
    2 people like this.
  3. Leon2

    Leon2 Active Member

    You've been through hell over the years, I have a skin problem, so I know how hard it can be, I have felt ugly no confidence etc, but you are strong keep doing what your doing and with a bit of luck you will meet someone special, good luck, keep your head up