They say a problem shared is a problem halved so I'll get to the issue that bothers me, though I'm doubtful the adage is true in this case. I've had a very unhappy life. I was adopted a few days after birth into a very argumentative household. My adoptive parents were very unsuited tempermentally, and every morning I awoke to them screaming at each other. I was an only child. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, which makes me very shy and awkward around people. From the age of 12 I also realised I was gay. I made no friends in school and the experience put me off social interaction. I was not diagnosed until I was 15. I was in an allboys school and back then, homosexuality in Ireland was a crime. I felt at first things were not going to badly, but I never invited someone to my house because I was conflicted. I feared that when they became accustomed to my effeminate voice and mannerisms, they would realise I was gay and not want to talk to me anymore. But I felt I was beginning to open up a bit. But I was also picked on for being different. One day the counsellor at my school called me out of class and told me people had been saying I was an "attention seeker". I didn't know what he meant at the time, but in hindsight I can see I come across as odd. I cried as he told me he was going to tell my classmates what he said to me. He then went while I waited in the staffroom and for the next 3 years whenever I tried talking to them, they called me "attention seeker". So eventually I stopped talking altogether. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing wrong, but it may just have been gender conformism. I was probably seen as "unmanly", plus there was my awkwardness around people stemming from my Asperger Syndrome. So I stopped going to classes in my third year of second level, and got private tutors. I think this was a mistake that served to isolate me more. I hadn't made a single friend in school. They were all interested in sport and I wasn't. There was a lot of banter in school about girls and I was conspicuous by my lack of interest. I felt I had nothing in common with anyone except interest I shared with some pupils in videogames. I became a hermit and I have never had employment. My Asperger was much worse when I was younger. I was terrified of crowds and my experience in school made it worse. I used to run down the street rather than walk, and I never went to pubs (which is still the case). I have never had a relationship. In school I wondered was the reason for my torment because of homophobia, and I hoped I would finally be accepted when I met other gay people. Sadly it was not to be. When I went on the dating sites, meetups were very few and far between. I have struggled with comfort-eating and obesity my entire life almost. There are also a lot of men on the internet that lead me on and stand me up. My only true friend is my mother and my aunt. The latter once told me that the reason I go on like this is that I don't have a job. So I tried going to interviews but always unsuccessfully. I go on IT courses where I was told I am very bright/intelligent by female tutors. But men are more visually driven and I often feel that in a man's world, someone who looks like me can never get on the job or relationship ladder. I feel incredibly depressed and I have self harmed in the past. I used to cry a lot but now I just don't have the energy. I think about suicide all the time, especially recently when yet another one of my relatives is getting married. I feel the world is passing me by. I recently joined an autism support group and while I feel much more comfortable around them as we have our disability in common, I got my wires crossed with someone there who I thought might be interested in me romantically but is actually straight. I blame a lot of my problems on being ugly. I am trying to make an effort to lose weight, but its like if you are badlooking, that people can treat you like you are invisible. My only real friend since I was 15 outside my mother and an aunt was a man called Colm who died in 2013. I used to see him every week almost and he would tell me I was goodlooking and he tried to set me up with men but I was too afraid of being rejected. I have a history of bad skin including Seborrheic Dermatitis and Follicultitis. The former causes redness, but was not diagnosed until I was 32. So I went online when I was 26 and bought Skin Bleaching/Whitening Cream from the internet in the hope it would help. Then Colm told me 7 months later I looked "pale and blotchy" and that my skin was unattractive. He pressured me to sit outside 2 hours a day and not to wear sunscreen except every second day. I did this and I think it made my skin age. I now have wrinkles on my forehead. I have tried laser treatments and botox (not for a while in the latter case) but it doesn't seem to fully sort it out. If I shave my face breaks out with Folliculitis pimples that resemble acne. I used to be prescribed antibiotics which worked on them for a while but stopped working years ago. Anyway thank you for listening. I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in. I feel worthless because I have no social contact outside my mother and aunt.