Last night I decided to tell hubby about how I'm feeling..how there is nowhere to turn to, my arms feel so empty since the loss of our son, there's nothing to look forward to and everything is just..bleak in my mind. I thought it would do me some good because apparently getting shit out helps. Well..it didn't. I couldn't sleep last night because I felt so horrible dumping all my shit on him. I had a joint...still felt wired. Had a sleeping pill...still wide awake..so I had another joint and flaked out. Fast forward 6 hours and it's 7am..I'm asking hubby hows the best way to get rid of a migraine. I told him what I'd done to get to sleep and he completely flipped out at me. I knew he'd be shitty. I'm not supposed to smoke at that hour..but I thought having a good nights sleep would make it somehow worth it. I slept badly anyway. Somehow things escalated from us being shitty at each other - him at me for smoking so late and me at him for what appeared to be him just not understanding. There was just about a brawl for 2. I broke a phone, got my head hit, and I think he has a few broken fingers, plus many random scratches, bruises, bite marks. It was on for young and old. After standing naked in the kitchen brandishing the sharpest knife I could find a few times, he'd decided it'd been enough. He called the ambulance to take me to the psych ward..again. The cops came and I was escorted there in the back of a cop car. I hate that little plastic room with only a few places to see out of in there. By this time, he had decided that it was the end [of us]..because I've had episodes of violence before but nothing like this. I almost kicked him through the bookshelf in our room. A really nice doctor did a psych assessment. She said being in the ward at the mental hospital would only make my symptoms worse. She said our love is so strong and him being there proved it. She said our body language towards each other said we were still open. She said we still talked to each other respectfully even during an argument during the assessment. She said hubby needs to keep setting boundaries and sticking to them, and we need to stick together in this time even though the future looks shitty for all involved because we still deeply love each other. She said recent events had pushed us both to a snapping point, and that is all it is. I want to believe her. I want to think our love can survive anything. Everything. I want to have something to strive for and to be truly happy once again. But I'm scared..if she's wrong and I trusted her and everything goes to hell, I won't breathe another day. The thought of him finding my body is the only reason why I'm still here.