depressed, anxious, suicidel

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by astringofhope, May 28, 2009.

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  1. astringofhope

    astringofhope New Member

    For a long time I have been suffering with anxiety feelings when I went to go in to univeristy as I missed alot in my first year as my housemate passed away, So I always get abit anxious when I go in to class as I just dont know everyone that well.

    I have always struggeld with my confidence what is a big issue to!

    Last September I met a girl I really liked and got to know her really well, when we started going out I was so happy, I still am up to date now, I love her so much! I fell in love with her within a few weeks of being with her. She's always known about the anxious feelings as I told her a while ago and she supports 100%, she told me to see someone about it a while ago, and Ive been seeing a counciller.

    As my confidence has always been low when people have 'taking the mickey' in a small extent, and questioned my sexuality and I shurruged it off but it did make me feel anxious and used to flash up in my head now and then as I knew and know its utter rubbish as my head is just trying to self-distruct me and it's natural to have negative thoughts but it is all about controlling them.

    Last week I remember being in bed and thinking how happy I was/am with my girlfreind and thinking of snuggling with her as I wasnt with her that night, all of a sudden I had a panic attack like my brain was telling me, that I am not with her anymore or somthing, at that time I just tried to calm my self down. I got to sleep fine after that and told my girlfreind about it when I saw her next day.

    A couple of days went passed and I was fine and then someone hacked my e-mail account, stealing some details and suddenly my confidence hit rock bottom, I know its silly but I am quite a computer geek and I'm useully the one telling people on how they should be secure and when it happend to me I paniced and just didn't feel myself.

    The day after I started to sorry just about general thoughts, like the sexuality thing came up along with a thought of... you could be with that girl or this girl etc. - (so it's just not a sexuality thing - it's things just trying to confuse my brain) - like voices in my head telling me negative things, then I think as I went through alot the night before about the my confidence going all over the place

    I just felt really anxious and had a little attack and felt sick, I told my girlfriend and she has been supporting me so solid. But then the last few days I have just been so anxious, virtually the whole time, I phoned my counciller and she calmed me down the other day before I went to my girlfreinds for a few days.

    So, I went to my girlfriends (where I am now) (she lives near me and university but I am at her actual house where she lives with her parents, not her student accomdation) So I am there for a few days and I was fine for a few hours and then suddenly the voices started to speak again, this time questioning do I love my girlfreind, and I do, I really really do!!!! but my head is just turning me against it, but I keep fighting and my girlfreind helps me, and sometimes I overcome it, but it is only for a few mintutes and it feels so good when I feel myself as I can kiss my girlfreind and cuddle her with no doubts but then the voices can just come back and then I feel anxious.

    I really need to sort out this problem as my heart is always abit fast! and then just feel anxious about that, then that leaves me vounrable to bad thoughts, then that can lead to a panic attack ! My girlfreind is really worried about me and I am worried about hurting her and I really don't want to as I love her with all my heart and I just want to be myself!!!!

    I phoned up my conciller again yesterday and just saying that I am literally anxious all the time at my girlfreinds and she says there could be some geniune uncertinty, which made me feel worse as deep down. I know who I am and that is in love with my girlfreind. I really want to sort it out as I am scared about loosing my girlfreind, she is the most important thing to me in the whole world. My counciller has said that I just have to remain in control but it is just so hard.

    I think the reason I am getting so anxious may be to do with is that I currently have no job and university has just stopped for the term and I just am doing nothing other then playing games, watching tv, playing music... then when im with my girlfriend I just do the same thing.... so i think i just need to do something to take my mind off of things!

    I have thought about suicide but I the only people is holding me back is my girlfriend and my mum, the don't about this suicide feeling but I couldn't hurt them by killing my self. I feel helpless!

    Please if anyone can give any replies, I really could do with them.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, I don't know if you're still online but I am here if you need to talk. Sorry that your going through a tough time but you have us. I think your mom and your girlfriend are fine reasons to hang in there.
    Please write back and feel free to message me.
  3. balding bruiser

    balding bruiser New Member

    Gday Bud, after many years suffering from manic depression,and panic disorders,there is a cupple of things i can recommend, try seeing a psychiatrist and get some mood stabilisers(seroquell) and maybe then try to isolate triggers for the anxiety. once you have isolated the triggers you can then establish how to manage the anxiety. environmental pressures,like our surroundings can play a massive part of anxiety attacks. One other thing is to establish routine in your life as hard as it may be. try just getting up and going for a walk along the beach or in the bush somewhere quiet and where u feel relaxed.
  4. astringofhope

    astringofhope New Member

    I went to the doctor earlier and got some anti-depression drugs, so im gonna see how that goes.

    It is so painful at the moment, im so scared of loosing my girlfriend, i love her so much!

    I cannot sleep right, cannot eat, constantly thinking about things.. aggghhh
  5. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    I'm 39 and fell in love 4 times. I don't ever think I will ever let someone control my happiness again like that. In a few years, I doubt you will think about her. And I don't think I will ever fall in love again. And I'm happy with that.
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