depressed beyond belief

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Canbre, Jul 2, 2011.

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  1. Canbre

    Canbre Member

    I don't know where to start. I don't want to get into too many details. I just did something horribly wrong by accident. The guilt is eating me alive. I've been mentally ill for years and it changed the course of my life. What happened wasn't caused by my mental illness directly, but I know that if I had never fallen apart at the seams years ago I would have never done what I did in a bad split second decision. I feel so awful all the time. I cry on the way to work, and i cry driving home. Some times I even try not to cry at work but it comes through and I just act like i'm having a sinus infection. I some times end up throwing up. I've been this way for months. I just don't know what to do and I'm here.

    I never wanted my life to turn out this way at all. I think about how I was 6 years ago going into school and having my career ahead of me, feeling so optimistic. Now I just feel disgusted with how things have spun out of control. I just don't get why I should even bother going on.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you can you call your doctor talk to a therapist someone about how down you are. Get on something for the depression hun Have you gone for some professional help Keep talking okay so we can help hugs
     
  3. Canbre

    Canbre Member

    Can a therapist help if I've done something morally wrong?
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think a therapist might help someone in figuring out their feelings/actions in the past and in learning how to let go of the past. Therapy might even help one reach self forgiveness.

    It's worth a try. :)
     
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Canbre,

    I am so sorry you feel so bad right now. You say you have done something morally wrong. Would this action get you in trouble if you were to be honest to anyone about it such as a therapist? Would it help to be honest about it and get it off your chest? Therapy can help in so many ways, like Acy says.

    If you ever want to talk, my pms are always open hun. xxxx
     
  6. Canbre

    Canbre Member

    I'll try therapy. I just idk. I just wish I was nothing lately. idk if anyone knows what that feels like at all. I'm just upset that I've screwed up so much
     
  7. FamilyGuyFan1986

    FamilyGuyFan1986 Active Member

    From what I've understood through this anxiety playing tricks with my mind and reminding me of how short life is, the worst things in life should either try to be fixed, or forgotton about. No matter how bad something gets, try not to sweat or worry so much about it. Although, I'm not sure how bad of a situation you're in, there still can be good found in what you do have on this planet and cutting it shorter, for any reason, would actually be sort of foolish or dumb (No offense) Just remember, as long as you're alive, what ever problems life throws at you, can always either be worked out, worked around or pushed to the side. It may be hard as hell, trust me. I'm going through some crazy stuff too. Anxiety is a crappy thing to have and suicide was an option on my mind, and sometimes, still is. But, I remember, the hard way always pays off, and that's living through it. When you get to the end of your life, you got a few choices. You got through it, had a good life, or tell yourself you put up one hell of a fight. But, you can always remember you never gave in to it.

    Good luck.
     
  8. Canbre

    Canbre Member

    I have an anxiety disorder, OCD. And I've done a ton of really screwed up things because of it. I'm not the normal classic case of it. I'm as abnormal as it can get. I'm just really depressed over it all and I've been afraid to talk to a therapist about it. I feel like I finally should though after talking to you guys.

    Do you know if it's common for therapists to have evening or weekend hours at all? I'm out of EA time at work because I have debilitating ibs (another burden). I want to get better and work through my problems.
     
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Some therapists are very accommodating about weekend and evening hours. When you make arrangements for a first appointment, perhaps you could ask about that. Or ask at the first appointment - say that it's hard for you to come during regular business hours...could the person see you evenings or weekends? Or recommend to you someone who could offer those hours?

    You're doing all the rights. Stay strong!
     
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I too have done something in my past that I am not proud of.. It could land me in jail..I live with it daily.. Waiting for that knock on the door..I have been trying to use the suggestions I received from the forum..I still think about it a couple times a week.. But am slowly trying to put it out of my mind..You can do the same.. It takes alot of focus that everything is alright..
     
  11. Canbre

    Canbre Member

    I can't deal with it much longer. i have an appointment for an examination on the 5th before I can possibly see this therapist who helped me through my hard times in the past. I told one of my parents what happened, after they prodded me about why i seemed so blue all the time. They don't think i should be upset because I didn't hurt anyone but I can't get the stain off my soul. I think they only think I shouldn't be upset because thats a parents job. to love their kid no matter what. I feel so bad. I see people around me all the time and all i can think about is "They didn't do what I did. They're good people. I don't belong here."

    i feel sick all of the time now. I hate sitting through work all day doing the same repetitive task. I'm held captive by my conscience throughout it all. I have to try really hard not to cry. It really sucks a lot.

    I'm just so pathetic. I hate it. I screwed up what was a great college career when I developed OCD at age 20. I can't get a meaningful job at all. I can't earn a great salary either. I had promise at one point in my life and now I've turned into a pathetic monster who is 24 and still lives with his parents. I can't do anything right. I'm the genetic blueprint for being a failure at everything. Anything I've ever tried to accomplish in my life has blown up in my face and gone south. I irritate what are left friends I have. I at least always thought, "as screwed up as I am at least i'm a good person." I have nothing. I'm a bad joke that should have never been born. I wish my parents had some one else as a kid.
     
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