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depressed, lonley, lost the will to keep on goin

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by redemption, Feb 16, 2010.

  1. redemption

    redemption Active Member


    I dunno even where to start, some of you might think this is ridiculous compared to your problems but it still tares me apart from the inside out. I'm 28 years old and I'm sitting here in my parents basement typing this while tears are rolling down my chin. Dont even know when my depresssion started but I guess it's been there ever since I was 15 more or less, always had trouble concentrating in school, I grew up in a snobby neighbourhood but my family wasn't rich, nor poor just avarage. In school I was a "geek" from 4th-7th grade when it suddenly turned and i became a part of the cool clique somehow through some old friend, but I always felt I didn't belong. After school from which I graduated with avarage grades I've been working on a bunch of different places but yet again always having trouble to concentrate and always found it easy to call in sick, tried to study some more but couldn't concentrate to finish anything once again. Awhile ago I did an ADHD investigation and the results were that I have it, as I understand it ADHD people are more receptive to depressions etc but I dunno.

    So anyway the real problem started when one of my friends hooked me up with a job maybe 5 years ago, I managed to meet a girl that I moved in with after awhile, we had a very messy relationship mostly due to her problems I guess (sexually abused as a child), she could be extremly mean to me and after about 1.5years it ended when she said she wasn't inlove anymore, I was at the time still very much inlove with her, we lived together for another 6months during which we still acted like a couple in speech, sex etc, only difference was she could be out some nights and not be comming home at all some of those nights, I remember laying there waiting as the hours past by and in the end I drank til I fell asleep. Noone at my job knew what was goin on at the time because she used to work there aswell so I never wanted to tell anyone, during our relationship I also managed to neglect all my old friends so I had noone to talk to. So finally she met someone and it became too much for me to stay there so I called my parents and asked them to come get me and told them everything, it took me several years until I could start seeing another girl, ofc she had problems aswell and wasn't looking for a relationship so that ended very fast, yet again being emotional as I am I felt like the world was comming to an end but the feeling past in a few weeks I guess because I knew deep down she wasn't right for me.

    Now a year after that I finally met someone, a beautiful, kind, normal person, see her for a lil more than a month and managed to fall inlove with her during that short time, maybe because I'm so starved for love I dont know, barely have contact with any friends and it's not as easy as to say "just pick up the phone and call them" so I focus all my time and energy on this new girl, she feels like I'm moving too fast and wants to end it, and now it feels like the world is comming down again worse than ever before, like I have noone or nothing to live for. I have nieces that loves me and a cute dog that I love but it doesn't make up for the heartache I feel right now. WHen I was with her it was like she showed my how life can be and now when that's over I dont know what to do anymore, I'm so tired of striking out, I have so much love to give but I can't find anyone that wants it. And so I seriously started considering suicide because I am so sick of feeling sad all the time, what's the point in living if you're only feeling pain all the time? then life is just like torture anyway. I've gone so far as to typing out suicide letters and instructions to the people I love, checking internet for what meds are best to overdose with, I just feel like I'm beyond repair now.

    dunno if everything is grammaticly correct in the text, have patience with me
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: You're not beyond repair. But it does sound like you've been through a lot. I hope you keep posting here; this is a great place to reach out and connect with people who really understand and care.
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I am so glad you found us! You are not beyond repair at all. You do sound like a true romantic in that when in love that becomes the focus of your life. Now that is sweet and loving but the down side is when it goes south your whole heart goes along with it ...well who would want to live like that? Without a heart or only the shreds of what used to be a heart? Nobody I know and so your mind says "hey I know suicide will end the pain!" Well it will but that will be the end of you and is a rather permanent solution to a temporary problem.

    It sounds like you love very deeply and really let the other person into your heart so it is bound to hurt badly. For now it seems you need to give your gentle heart time to heal, and it well. Also keep posting here and read others peoples stories as it really is a comfort. You have a big kind heart and it is bound to feel awful when it gets broken so please be gentle with yourself

    Hugs Bambi
  4. redemption

    redemption Active Member

    thanks for the supportive answers, I am a romantic but it's so much more than that, I've been depressed for so long, tried meds for it, and now ADHD meds since I found out I have that, meeting her I felt sooooooooooo happy for the first time in so long and when it ends it's like there's no light in the end of the tunnel anymore, it's so unfair that it gets taken away like everyother time before, I wish I wasn't this emotional. I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I do is laying dwelling about stuff we did, stuff i wanted to do with her/show her/ experience with her, getting like panic attacks when I dont know how to live through it and just start crying, I know you say I'm not beyond repair but it feels different this time, it really feels like it's the end of the line now.
  5. redemption

    redemption Active Member

    waking up every morning I feel the unbearable sadness and lonliness washing over me, a sadness so deep I feel there's no end to it, all I can do is cry and write what I feel and it's not enough. I just want these feelings to go away
  6. redemption

    redemption Active Member

    joined yet another datingsite, trying to talk to other people, girls take interesst in me since i'm goodlooking, somehow they think I'm interesting aswell, dunno if it's a lie they tell due to my looks, seems like this should make me feel better but it doesnt, at all.....I only want one person in the world right now and she doesn't want me and it tares me apart, it tares me apart knowing she will want something serious as I did but I'm not it, the thoughts of her seeing someone else, this might seem ridiculous since I didnt know her for long, but it really devastated me, dont even know if it's her really or if it's the thought of happiness I missed out on AGAIN that destroys me, I have noone to talk to about this so I sit here writing to myself, drinking, knowing I have to take my dog out soon but my eyes are filled with tears, I'm semi drunk 11:40am because I can't stand being sober anymore
  7. dzd

    dzd Well-Known Member

    I have had horrible relationships in the past and I can sort of relate to your pain. I don't have any advice but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. *Hugs*
  8. redemption

    redemption Active Member

    :) was just writing in your post that you could go and read my heartache thread, hoping it make you feel better. I just.....I dont know what to do about it, I can't stop crying, hate being such a pussy, such emotional person, I'm a 28 year old male and sitting at my parents drinking and crying, over som girl I knew for lil over a month. I, like you, just wanna be happy
  9. dzd

    dzd Well-Known Member

    Falling for someone over a short period of time is not uncommon. It has happened to many people, it has happened to me and I remained upset over it for ages. I know how painful it can be. I really hope you feel better soon. :)
  10. redemption

    redemption Active Member

    likewise, knowing myself it will be awhile, it's just I can't seem to catch a break, right now I'm doin the selfish thing talking to other girls who take interesst in me, but only doin it to get over her. I can't stop goin over it in my head, or here, I say the same things over and over. well I have to take my dog out now, even though I feel like it's the end I still can't let her be inside all day so I guess that's somewhat good. hit me up if you're feeing really down, we'll talk
  11. dzd

    dzd Well-Known Member

    Okay. :)
    It's not selfish to talk to other girls who take interest in you, that's the right thing to do!!
    It may take a long time, but I hope you'll be able to heal completely.
  12. redemption

    redemption Active Member

    the feeling have been consistent today, I can't shake it, feeling worse and worse all the time, have no idea to cope with this, my heart is like an empty shell now, that tickeling feeling is inside it, feels like I will never meet anyone again that I want else than her, it feels like she was perfect only she didn't want me in the end. I dunno if my heart will mend this time, this is a feeling I wouldn't want my worst enemy to experience
  13. redemption

    redemption Active Member

    still dying inside, I dont know what to do to get over this pain
  14. fatcat

    fatcat New Member

    take up some sort of intense exercise

    its the only way to get a chick out of my mind , really. do something to the point where you are just focused on breathing and living. go run to the top of a hill or small mountain until you feel like your body cant do it anymore. getting over girls is the worst and like everyone says it takes a long ass time and what you do in between can make or break you and for me its hard physical activity that takes me mind away
  15. sethwalters88

    sethwalters88 Member

    What if a "chick" isn't the problem what if you don't know what the problem is exactly other than the fact that you are a failure at life and every aspect of life. What if you just to the breaking point what should I do? I'm onlyy 17 years old and I don't know how much longer I would like too stick around. I just don't know who to go to or even what to do pills just made it wors. This isn't the first time in life I've had thoughts of suicide but by f r the worst abd most painful and yet I'm still here?? Why is it that life must be so hard no matter what?.
  16. redemption

    redemption Active Member

    haven't been here for a lil while, not that long though, but god damnit the feeling isnt passing, been trying to occupie myself with studies, but the feelings are still comming, the sadness of not having her anymore, it's like someone is tickeling me with a feather inside my chest in an unpleasant way every single second, every single day, every single week, like someone is I dunno torturing my soul, dont wanna sound like kliché person but it's exactly what feels like, it's like I'm being mentally tortured.
  17. redemption

    redemption Active Member

    it's like I constantly wanna throw upp ALL the time, I feel so broken inside
  18. tortuosa

    tortuosa Banned Member

    Start liviing your life for yourself, focus on yourself. That girl told you you were going to fast because of your dependance. You need to focus on your things and selflove, and you wont find that in another person, and without selflove you are not a potencial partner. So if you dont want this to happen over and over again start loving yourself more.

    Some of you ask "why every girls dump me?" "why men are cheating bastards?" but the real problem is inside us, you need to learn of this experiencie and next time dont make your life about other person, that is not atractive. You are sad now, that is okay, but you will get over it, and like my grandmother said "is bad to suffer, but is good to have been suffered", learn about this.

    Sorry my english, is not my first language.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2010
  19. redemption

    redemption Active Member

    yeah what can I say, people saying that to me obviously dont know me so...
  20. dzd

    dzd Well-Known Member

    Can understand. =(
    I'm not feeling any better either.