not a big fan of kliché comments usually but, I do feel like a stone rolling faster and faster downhill, like there's no stoping me, my thoughts are going back to her constantly, when I tell my dog to come to me, I think about the way she told me to come to her, I love to cook but I can't cook anymore because I think about when I cooked for her, I can't watch certain movies anymore because I think of her, I can't talk about thailand because that makes me think of her, I feel obsessive but I can't stop it, I know I have to let her go and I've accepted it but it doesn't keep me from missing her like I've never missed anyone before, drinking everynight to take away the worst edge of it, sometiems it works, sometime it doesn't, only reason I go out is to take my dog out, I have 1 friend that i put my last hope in now, 1 friend that can relate, 1 friend that seem to really care. goin to a shrink in april sometime, I know I wont be completly honest with him/her, for fear of being locked up in a mental institution if I tell him/her I have suicidal tendences, I know if I start crying I wont be able to stop, and I will. I want some medicine that takes away all my emotions, sometimes it gets so bad I dont know what to do, the thoughts are spinning, I'm making myself think about it because it feels like if I can handle that I can handle anything, but I can't handle it, I*m dying inside, I realise this is more than about a girl, but that girl showed me a glimpse of how life used to be, meeting people, seeing people, feeling attractive again, and I loved her for it. Someone else admitted to me the other day she was starting to like me, I feel so mean, I'm giving others false hope, but at the same time I dont wanna stop talking to her, I need to feel wanted, I'm such an egoistic mess, guess the next thing is the get the antidepressive I got prescribed and put my faith in them and live 1hour at a time.