Depressed night, and feel incredibly alone.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NickOhLess, Mar 26, 2014.

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  1. NickOhLess

    NickOhLess New Member

    Hello everyone, first I would like to say that I am very new to this and have just registered for this website, but I am feeling very down tonight and would appreciate some form of guidance or advice. My name is Niko and I am a senior in high school on the verge of graduation this June. I have been doing a homeschool program since my sophmore year in high school, because I have suffered from excessive bullying when I used to attend school. I am to this day very socially akward because of that, and don't have any people whom I consider my "friends". I have never really had friends my whole life. My only true friend I have would be my loving girlfriend.
    Recently I have realized how insignificant I feel in this world. My girlfriend supports me through my depression the best she can, but seeing me this way makes her feel pain as well, which really puts me even more down. It's hard for me to explain exactly why I feel depressed, even suicidal, because even im still struggling to pinpoint exactly how I feel these days. I have never once in my life had anyone to talk to about this, so I apologize if I seem confusing, vague, or just stupid. But anyways, I feel alone. My girlfriend is constantly at work everyday, and I hardly get to see you. I understand thats not her fault however, but I feel extremely distant from her, my only friend, the only person I talk to. I don't have a job, so im stuck at home, alone, waiting all day for her to get back just to have her fall asleep almost immediately because of her work schedule next day. I miss her dearly. I miss how close we used to be, now she seems uninterested in me. I love her with all of my heart and just want to spend more time with her, because she takes away my dark thoughts that arise in my head when im alone.
    So im alone almost everyday of the week, i have no friends, noone to talk to. I feel like I waste the day away playing video games or sleeping all day, I feel unproductive. I try to find jobs and do things to make myself feel more worth, like play guitar, meet new people (which is extremely hard for me), and just go for simple walks. But my depression makes that so hard to do. I can bardely get out of bed, eat, or do simple things. I feel alone mostly, worthless, unproductive and just a waste of space in my own mind. I think maybe theres something wrong with me so that I cant make friends. I cant ever be fully happy I feel like. The only times when I feel at peace from the dark thoughts in my mind is when my girlfriend is alone with me and she takes it all away. But when im by myself there is this dark voice in my head telling me how worthless I am, to kill myself and leave this world. I don't know where this dark voice spawned from, perhaps from the verbal and physical abuse from others? I don't know, all I know is it brings me down every single damn day and I hate it.
    I feel like hurting myself all of the time. Cutting, burning, whatever, anything to calm the dark noise in my mind. I always want to, however I know I shouldn't. I think I need to realize that im worth something, I need confidence and a sense of self-worth. But lacking those qualities brings me down to where I am now. I honestly want to kill myself. I am insecure, have no confidence or drive, no motivation or passion, I feel like the days just go by leading to nothing. The only thing that im grateful for is my wonderful girlfriend. But i fear the most she will leave me because of this depression I have fallen into. Another of my insecurities I guess. I want to beat this. I want to feel happy, confident, and feel my self-worth. I want to be someone. But im struggling and I need a voice, a friend, advice, anything. I realize that so many people have it far worse than I do and that's why I want to apologize again if this thread seems ridiculous or pathetic, I just hope that you guys may give me some insight on how to be happier with myself and the world around me.
    I feel like theres much more that I can type regarding how I feel, but I think this is long as it is so ill leave it with this. My name is Niko, and I want to beat the dark voice putting me down constantly and be able to say that my life is and will be well lived, and that I will find my internal happiness. Bless anyone else who is suffering from depression, and thank you for taking the time to read this.
     
  2. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    hi Niko - i am new here ( 1 week) so i cant really give advice but i can say welcome. imo there are some really kind people here. For me, i have found some relief from my depression through medication and through talking and reading about it- but i think i ts different for everybody. but i think this is a great place to talk about it and i hope it can help you.
     
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