depressed rant

[ACRon]

the last few weeks have vanished into thin air, it could be over a month now since I did anything. I went to the shops about a week ago to pick up some tobacco but thats about it. I won't look for a job, I won't do any clearing up round the house or anything like that. I just search the internet for things I wanna moan about.

I stopped taking medicine 5-6 months ago and I haven't been to see the doctor despite 6 appointments bieng made for me in the last few months. they aren't happy. Why should I go to the doctors, they just overlook everything I say to them, pretend to care and then suggest new medication. I hate the doctors and they hate me. They look at me as though Im just faking bieng depressed or something. to be honest, when I did go to the doctors I would have my 'business' face on. the one I used to use at work when I couldn't handle the environment.

How on earth can you prove to the doctor that you really are ill. this has been going on for three years now and its just getting silly. I read stuff about all the different kinds of depression, Im very sure Im bipolar. But aside from the fact I know ive got very mild adhd Ive never seen the doctor acknowledge any more than the fact I suffer with anxiety. I am so sick of it. It made me feel like what I knew about myself wasn't important. what do they want from me? am i going to have to walk into the doctors room going mental at her just to prove a point or what. I am very good at pretending to be happy. maybe I should just let go and show the world how truly bonkers I am, maybe then they will listen to me.

I am worried about myself though. I am seeing my friends less and less, I really don't want to anymore, I don't like having to be happy with them, I don't wanna bring them down by bieng myself, they are all ok. the only people in my group that have any form of depression are a couple of the girls, but they can cope with it seemingly, I can't. It makes me sick because I used to be the life and soul. I'd detach from them completely but every now and then I have to go on a bender. As my mind further deteriorates I don't want to risk anymore of those as they usually send me spiralling for a week or so.

Sometimes its like the city is calling me to get out of the rut and go for it, get another job sorted, meet some new people. But I know I'll just lose it again. I'll get agitated pulling the 'im ok' attitude and have to sink back into reality, Im a very angry person when I can't be myself. The weird thing is about this is that nobody recognises the fact that Im ill. If I don't act like everythings ok there like "whoa, cheer up man you'll scare us". bastards.

rant over

 

[Syd]

Exactly, there's this contradiction in the fact that society expects you to act "happy" and "normal" in order to make friends and socialize, yet at the same time it's unhealthy to hide one's true feelings. If only people were taught to avoid being so biased against "abnormal behavior", and if we were all more accepting and open in our feelings and differences, this world that so many people hate might actually be a great place to live.

 

[ACRon]

there seems to be a set image that differs dependant on the circle your into. abnormal behavior leads to being a let down for everyone. controlling ones own conscienceness is not an easy task whilst in the pits of despair, but when behavior is purely selfish it does absolutely no good for anyone so take your pick.

Unitarian Universalism seems to be a way forward for peace, it seems to accept all faiths and all differences. Its ideals are well rounded on the surface. I've not studied it too much but I have very little faith in the idea that leaders of any of the major religions are going to accept the fact that the God they sell could be wrong. not in my life time anyway. Or where you talking specifically about my behavior?

 

[Syd]

Unitarian Universalism does sound like a good thing, but it concerns me that people would have to look to their religion to gain a sense of morality rather than learning to build it on their own through direct experience and logic. I also agree with what you've said, it wouldn't be accepted by fundamentalists. Anyway, I was referring to your behavior, as I think there is this general consensus amongst much of the population that friends are only supposed to be positive and act as happy as possible. So I mean that if you were to share your true feelings of depression with others, that would be considered abnormal. Whereas if you were to hide your feelings and act artificially positive, it would be accepted as normal because that is the common trend in our society.

I don't define showing our true feelings as abnormal at all, I'm just going by the definitions of the social norm here. I have been friends with emotionally open people though, so it's more common in my own circles. There is a difference between someone genuinely feeling good, and spreading that feeling to others, or simply putting on an act around others. Of course most people choose to act because it's considered the polite thing to do, but taking a closer look at the behavior.. it seems pretty destructive and counter-productive.

Polite in this context doesn't necessarily mean good. For one thing, it's essentially lying to others, and more often than not the cover-up is easily detectable, maybe not consciously, but on deeper levels. Therefore it only creates the same tension that could be expected if someone were to interrupt a positive conversation with bad news. I believe some people can pickup on others' true thoughts, even if they are "hollywood actors" when it comes to conforming their behavior to those around them. Perhaps this accounts for some of the unexplainable charisma (honesty?) that some have, or the annoyance we feel towards some people without understanding why. The unfortunate part is that many of us are so trained to adapt ourselves to the social environments we're in, we may not even be conscious when we're "emotionally dishonest" with others.

Now, there are some situations where acting is necessary and expected, I suppose it is just a difference of opinion between people on which situations it should be expected. For example, I might be in a good mood and want to share jokes with others on the day of a funeral (unlikely though) but obviously it would not be the time or place for light-hearted conversation. I think most would agree on that. When it comes to social groups, there is definitely this fundamental difference in people where some prefer very close, open relationships with others.. while others prefer friends who only engage in humor and light-hearted subjects, never sharing personal feelings.

I've found that the latter type is more common. It also seems that the more members within the social group at an event, the more likely they are to behave in the latter form of light-hearted and joking behavior. Then in another context, like this forum for example, the former (serious discussion) is common due to the nature of the forum's topic. Personally, in most social situations, I like a good mix of both behaviors. Perhaps this is because I enjoy the emotional discussion as much as the light-hearted discussion. If others do not, I respect their wishes and comply, of course. Though I might be more likely to befriend someone who is somewhere in the middle, showing a little of both.

Okay.. but what I was really talking about here is being genuine vs. being artificial. I believe that the best course of action (when one is sad) is to talk about it with others; that's probably the fastest way to truly feel better and bring ourselves into positive states of mind. So for example you might initially talk with your friends about feelings in a conversation, but that's what they should be there for - to help boost your spirit when it's down. Soon enough you would then naturally feel like changing the conversation to something positive, because you feel better. That's what I mean, that's genuine. Another example is if you focused on positive thoughts and were able to cheer yourself up on your own prior to meeting with friends. Again, you would genuinely be producing a small change in your mood (and if you can do that easily, please teach me ;p) and would therefore be genuinely more happy around your peers as a result.

I seem to have the habit of filling a lot of space but not saying much, oh well. Redundancy is fun. Surely there will be some differences of opinion here, but that's okay.. I don't necessarily feel my views are any more right than another, it's just too subjective. I hope that someone else will see the importance of what I'm saying here though.

 

[ACRon]

Thanks for the detailed, yet torturous response.

I place a high importance on what religion has to do with morality because its the foundation of which our culture is born. I need to know which one I am if any because I've only questioned it with any real insight over the last few months. I will naturally refer to that at the moment because its what I am looking into.

A lot of my anger and negativity is due to a sceptical nature of what I am bieng told, feel this is natural and justified in order to get where I need to be. Not all of us where as aware as we should of been when growing up. I don't think you truly understand people who get stuck in the depths of these unending questions due to the arrogance of your response. forgive me, I have to be direct and honest. Some hide behind there reasoning, and wisdom which you seem capable of. You have a very diplomatic way of getting your point across without actually saying anything about yourself in the process bar the fact you have the ability to function in any given social circumstance. Yet you tear into me in a conceited fashion as though I'd just spat on your mother.

I unfortunately do not possess such a social grace since my life went tits up, which is why I come here to be able to talk about the stuff I choose not to share with my friends and family for the reasons you (on the large) went through. I try to be helpfull where I can when others need help, I do this because I genuinely think I can help in these situations. or atleast be empathetic, I dunno, I try

 

[Syd]

I understand what you're saying, and apologize, as I worded this the wrong way. Arrogance was definitely not my intention, as I was agreeing with what you were saying I thought. I absolutely suffer from the same problems you stated in the original post, and thank you for telling me how I was perceived - because that's something I need to work on with my communication. I have the tendency to focus on solutions to my own problems (which are often shared by others) and these responses are aimed at helping myself just as much as helping others.

I think I'm used to simply focusing on ideas without touching base on my personal life as it provides more comfort to do so. The experiences I mentioned are mainly past events, as I have very few friends currently that I can share emotional bond with in that way. I hope to make friends like that again. Regarding my posting style - I'm still fairly new to this forum, and so I'm still learning how to respond in the best way to users here. Hopefully you'll forgive me for the response which was truly written for everyone here who experiences these problems (which I believe all of us do) and is in no way personal. I have a lot to say at times, though this is because it improves my mood to get out what's on my mind. It is not to be taken too seriously, and it is in fact mostly about me and my own life as I reflect on my own experiences to form my opinions. I'll need to work on my approach, and I'm sincerely interested in this topic and you have my thanks for bringing this topic to the boards. I'll let others speak more on this, and look forward to hearing others' points of view. Thank you for being here to help others.

 

[ACRon]

thanks dude, its ok, I take large responses like that personally because of my condition. you have an aura (?) about your wording which is a very usefull way of communicating on these boards, or so my best guess tells me. So for heaven sake man keep up the good work. Its just when a person says they suffer with adhd its probably is unwise to give so much information to them and expect a full response to all your points without irritating them. Your solution seems to exclude me, Im not saying it won't help others but people who Ive met, not all with any attention problems, some with emotional stability problems won't be able to act in such a controlled robotic fashion all the time.

Id love to think it possible for me to control myself for the large part of social interactions but I can't because I get excited and lose my poker face. The solutions I look toward involve harmony with my inner self and enlightening my intense vulnerability. If people insult me I react, if people condescend to me, I explode. Thats just me. Sorry if Im saying "no-one understands me" and sound all emo and stuff but its what its like in reality and its not just a matter of bieng positive to ease the pain, its about stopping myself from losing decorum.

 

[Syd]

The solutions I look toward involve harmony with my inner self and enlightening my intense vulnerability. If people insult me I react, if people condescend to me, I explode.

Thank you for the kind words before. Also, good quote here - that's exactly what I'm saying we should do, you're doing the right thing. I have this tendency (especially online) to come across as indifferent to emotion. Though I can be that way offline too (partly because I have NVLD which has caused me to be very literal, and separate myself from emotions at times) I'm actually very sensitive and emotional, in fact this emotional displacement often occurs as a defense mechanism to protect one from feeling pain. While it works in that sense, it can become difficult for some of us to actually feel emotion again after being separated from it for so long. Building new friendships and relationships to express love is the way for me to get in touch with my emotions again.

Anyway, I agree 100% with embracing feelings, whether that means anger, happiness, sadness, etc. That's what my therapist has said I should do, because to accept our emotions and share them openly is to have control. 'Controlling' emotions by ignoring them altogether is not true control, since they are still there within us, and we won't be free of them without sharing them through our social behavior. Of course there are also appropriate and inappropriate ways of using emotion through social behavior, which most of us know already. Though we all still make mistakes sometimes, I know I do - and I think it is human nature to run into problems now & then, but we also tend to do a lot of good in this world to make up for that, and the constant progress of humanity truly is a celebration of life.

For any new users here curious about this topic, some related reading: defense mechanisms

 

[ACRon]

Thats all good syd, anyway your pretty much right, I really struggle to be positive and to get out of my negative thought patterns.