depressed since a teenager. I'm middle aged now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jonsmith, Dec 24, 2013.

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  1. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    I'm the limo driver. I'm working christmas eve, day. New years eve and day.......why not. nothing to do and no where to go. i still moon over a girl that dumped me 10 years ago.

    life never got better. always hoped it would but my empty life just remained empty through the decades
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    do you drive anyone famous around?
  3. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    Yes, many celebrities and affluent types. but who cares
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    :hug: Just want you to know I care and will be around if you need someone to talk to.
  5. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    I hope you can move past your feelings for the gal you lost. It sounds like there is no chance of rekindling what is gone, and hanging on to that must be sucking a lot of the joy out of your days.

    Is there anything in your life that gives you joy or pleasure? Any dreams of things you wanted to do that you could go back to?
  6. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    I've struggled with depression and anxiety since high school. Am 61 now. Fortunately, there have still been both ups and downs. In a big down right now, but experience has taught that there will be at least a small up in the future.
  7. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    Jon, try writing, crying or talking about the pain and hurt you still feel. Its not silly to still have unexpressed feelings that you need to get out.

    Then happiness can come in time with small daily efforts to learn, grow, change and contribute to life. I know it doesn't feel that way when you are still hurt, so don't give up.

    Then I'd suggest digging deep for hidden or long lost seeds of dreams and motivations to do something positive in the world.

    Happy new year and Christmas. Be well and safe.
  8. Amthorn

    Amthorn Member

    I'm afraid I'm gonna end up like that too, what keeps you going?
  9. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the words of encouragement. Sadly, those same words have been said to me for many, many, many years now. How does one affect change in a life that is stuck deep in a rut of depression and mud. I find it very difficult to get motivated on anything because i have not had a win or victory in any aspect of life for generations now. some people are lucky at love, or business or something. I have not had any luck in any area of life. Hence, it's virtually impossible to get inspired by a dream, hope or aspiration when you have nothing but failure, heartbreak and dissapointment behind you.

    It's like the Cubs trying to win the world series. I have no resolve left in me.

    In regard to the woman who dumped me, yes, it sucked the life out of me. For years i schemed and dreamed and worked to try to win her heart. no luck. she has no affinity left for me.

    To the question "what keeps me going" The answer is very simple. Time keeps going and i get dragged with it. If you have not offed yourself then you are still going. but i'm a prisoner, yet i walk free. I'm alive but i'm a ghost that floats among the living. I only watch but i dont partisipate
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I know you feel like you're in this deep rut of depression that you can't pull yourself out of. But it's possible... just one tiny step at a time. Just posting here, reaching out, talking to people who care, is a step forward.
  11. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    I know that it can feel like you are at the bottom of a deep well, and there are is no ladder hanging down to grab on to. So, you kind of have to dig out tiny footholes in the dirt, and climb up on step at a time. It’s tough to do, and sometimes you fall back a bit, but it’s better than staying at the bottom of the hole.

    Is there anything that you enjoy at all? Maybe watching a favorite sports team, movies, etc? Even just indulging yourself a tiny bit by watching something you enjoy while eating your favorite take-out, can be a tiny step up. Do anything you can do inch your way out.

    Have you had a full physical check-up to make sure you’re not lacking anything as far as vitamin deficiencies go? Also maybe a full cbc and thyroid check? It never hurts to rule out a physical cause to feeling bad.

    Or maybe a therapist can help in some way?
  12. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    your very kind, wildcherry. worked christmas day today. 11 hr shift.
  13. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    thank you, ronnymarie. you are also thoughtful.
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    That had to be a really long day, and a difficult one. I hope you're holding up okay. :hug:
  15. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    Not too difficult. As i said i have nothing to do and no where to go on my days off. i suppose it keeps me busy though i look forward all week to my days off yet i do nothing. kind of ironic or comical. the woman i still moon over lives a mere mile or two from my home but i make a point to never drive by her house. it would upset me too much.

    i think about her night and day but i believe that is common for people who have been alone for 99.9% of the time. I call it "castaway love". like tom hanks in that movie. he never got over his last love because he was sealed in a time capsule on the island. time never moved forward for him because there was never anyone to take her place....thats what happened to me. there was really never anyone before her or since.

    hope all of you are hanging in there better than me
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    It's not comical... I think it's normal to look forward to your days off. It's good you have your job though, to keep you busy and focused. You're doing the right thing by not driving past her house... it would only end up hurting you even more.

    Glad you're still holding on, even though I know it's not easy.
  17. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    i worked new years eve. 13 hr shift. Im working new years day as well. So interesting to see all these involved people partying and enjoying themselves. I dont imagine i'll ever know what that is like. I feel i am a real life Travis Bickle from the movie Taxi Driver. Not a part of the fabric of life.
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Sending thoughts and a :hug: to you, hope you're making it through today okay.
  19. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    thank you cherry, i hope you are holding up as well. you are a kind soul
  20. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm doing okay, other than dealing with some snow and lots of cold weather!

    You deserve kindness. :hug:
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