depressed/suicidal over severe severe severe acne

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by park47, Mar 4, 2007.

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  1. park47

    park47 Member

    hi. i am 14. i am feeling very depressed and suicidal these days. the reason? this might sound extremely dumb and stupid but it is because of severe acne i suffer from. my acne is so severe that its sickening to look at. i have acne scars all over my cheeks and chin and some on my forehead as well as imflamed active acne. i have gone to an unlimited amount of dermatoligists and none of them have been able to help me although i have been on several drugs, done multiple laser surgeries, chemical peels, the list just goes on and on and on. i cry hystericaly every night. i am so self cautious i hate it. if i told people i was depresed and feeling suicidal they would be shocked because at school i am happy and optimistic. but truth is, inside i'm dying and in pain all the time. at school i wear layers of foundation to cover it up although i no it's terrible for my skin but what the hell am i suposed to do not go to school w/ out it? i feel so damn UGLY. i can't keep my head up when i go w/ out foundation on to my dermatoligist cos then ppl stare. god. i hate this. some days i feel like im going crazy i just begin to hurt my self. sometimes i just throw myself against the wall and idk it feels good in a way. god i want to talk to someone about it but i cant. i cna't talk to my friends they wouldn't fucking understnad. i cry to my family, but i don't want to anymore because it stresses them out so much my mom cries every night because of me. goddamit i fucking wana kill myself every night i dont want to cry anymore it hurts to cry. i hate it. i hate this. whats the point of life i hate this. i can't stop crying. i want to quit school and just stay at home until my skin improves. i no i need help..i need a counsler or soemthing.
     
  2. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    park47,

    Welcome to the site.....I can kind of relate to what your saying, I had bad warts on my hands as a kid and was teased bad for it, I think your right on track about getting some help, a therapist or something, I think you would find it very helpfull.....please know you can always lean on us....here for you...
     
  3. Hey

    Hey Active Member

    I had acne as a teenager too. It started in 7th Grade. I remember it because I'm really, really into my appearance. But anyway, I went to the bathroom between classes one day and there was this breakout all over my face. I didn't understand why. So with three minutes until class was to start I scrubbed with soap and water, desperately trying to make my skin look clear.

    I tried everything from rubbing alcohol to cremes and I couldn't 'cure' it. At one point my face actually HURT, just to lay my head down. The resolution came with Proactiv. At first it looks real bad because it's pushing the bacteria out. But once that's over- you will have clear skin. I swear. Just make it through the hard parts.

    As of now I have no acne scars/damage and my skin looks healthy and clear.

    Edit: Of course now I wish I could go back then. Simpler times where all I worried about was making sure my face didn't look bad. Now things are complicated and much harder to answer than with just a pill or Proactiv. Agh.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 4, 2007
  4. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Wow, can't believe this was your first post not 2 mins ago and I get to see it.
    I've recently been put on antibiotics for severe acne. Although in my case i'm twenty and i've had it since about 15. And it's never affected my face. It's all over my arms and back and upper chest and sometimes my neck which is just shit because it hurts like hell sometimes. I can totally relate to you being self concious of yourself. I hate it when people are looking at me, it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
    When you went to the doctor (sorry if this is a basic question) but did you have to have a blood test to see if your testosterone levels were normal? If theyre too high they can cause acne. Also, I asked my doc and it can be hereditary as well. Has one of your parents had a condition like it when they were younger. Ask them how long they had it for if they did. Another thing, there is a treatment dermatologists use that i've heard of, sounds a bit like Acutane or something. If you are on it then i'de see a doctor about it straight away because it can cause severe depressive symptoms. On that note, have you told anyone your feeling suicidal, and how long have you been feeling suicidal as well?
    Also, do you find you've become socially anxious because of all this?
    I'de recommend you see you GP or doctor about these feelings, especially in the case of the treatments dermatologists use.
    Also I know this sounds like what everyone else must say but it is quite common to have acne at puberty. The doctors should have told you it is all to do with your hormones going crazy. Which basically means don't give up hope that it will clear up on its own in time to come.
    I'm no doctor but I think maybe all these treatments would work except for the fact that your body is at a stage where it's in constant change.
    One more thing, there is no need to feel stupid or embarassed on here. Loads of people are willing to talk and help you out so you should feel comfortable talking. Keep us updated.
     
  5. park47

    park47 Member

    okay well my parents have had acne but they said that it wasn't as severe as mine. they don't even understand why mine is so bad. i've been to the doctor and she said something about my hormones being switched and my body is different. i get my period EXTREMELY inconsistently maybe 4times a year. and when i do get it, i have to change my pad every 30 mins-literally. i think all of this might be related. yes i acutaly am on accutane this is my 2nd week but i don't think its cos of accutane. i've been having these thoughts for about 2 months. socially, i am great. i used to not be able to put my head up and look people in the eye but i've learnt to be more confident so that people dont see that i'm self cautious. but im definetly socailly deprived its just that when i come home i let all the pain out. it's def had a negative impact on my grades where everything has dropped 10%. but i don't give a shit about my grades anymore because acne is taking over my life. when i look at my friends..i always ask myself "why can't i hav skin like them?" because NONE of my friends which makes it 10X worse. i don't no what to do anymore. i no when people tell me its ok they're trying to make me feel better but it seems words don't hav any meaning anymore...nothing makes me feel better except crying.
     
  6. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    park47,

    "...nothing makes me feel better except crying." is what you said...well sweetie go right ahead and cry...its ok to cry...thats a healthy release.....and when your done crying and your ready to talk about some of those feelings we're still gonna be here waiting to here from you....your special to us...and we understand your pain...I may not understand your situation, but I do understand your pain, and its valued here...thinking of you...
     
  7. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Park you aren't being silly when you say acne is dominating your life and making you feel this depressed.If it's possible that you can see a skin specialist or dermatologist and that you be put on some sought of anti-biotics.I know how you're feeling and why it's affecting you so bad but please try to see a dermatologist they know everything about acne and could really help I feel.I have BDD and know all about issues relating to self confidence etc but please try to see a Doctor of that kind whatever it takes it can make the real difference.
     
  8. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Ok. Well, even if it wasnt the accutane that started the depression, it's definitly not something that will make it easier for you. You will probably turn to dispair with it, it's not good for you to hurt yourself more. You must tell your doctors about your mood and how everything is making you feel. Do you find it hard to tell your doctors things? Or anyone for that matter?
    Just to let you know the enormity of this drug. I live in England, and I asked my doc about it. He said he's not even allowed to prescribe it to me because i'm depressed.
    Also, does your doctor know about the inconsistency with your periods? It's important that they get a clear picture of you so they can treat you better. Your very fortunate to already have crossed the boundary to be able to talk to a doctor. It took me 7 years to build up the courage, I only went 1 week 5 days ago after a total breakdown. So take advantage of the health system as best you can is my advice.

    The social thing. Do you force yourself to be alright when your out and about?
    Also, do you feel quite agressive now when your being confident? Like, rather than averting your eyes you stare at people with almost daring?
    You seem pretty hysterical about everything which is very worrying. Your first post you said you hate crying becuase it hurts. Then you say nothing makes me feel better except crying.
    At the moment you don't want to be stressed out by anything. Your grades can wait. I've had to pospone my uni course till September. You seem like you used to care about your grades so put them on hold for now instead of giving up. Obviously you'll have to ask how to do that from your doctor as well probably (for the sick note).
    The problem with the words not meaning much anymore is that they havent had any actions to back them up. It's a complete bummer but in most cases we have to help ourselves, start the ball rolling. I reckon if you see your doc and ask questions about things you might find out more about yourself. He might even send you to a counsellor if you want to actually see one for your insecurity issues. Anyway, the words are here, the actions are at the docs. And if you do go, learn as much as you can about what drugs your on.
    P.S. how long have you had acne if you dont mind me asking?
     
  9. park47

    park47 Member

    i do have a dermatologist. i've had several for 3 years. i began to have acne since 5th grade but then it wasn't severe. i had the occasional big pimple. in 7th grade i had acne only on my forhead and it was worse than most peoples. i would get alot of comments and it would make me SO self cautious. in the summer of progressing into 8th grade i finally visited a dermatoligist and i got prescribed some antibiotics and my acne cleared up. i was happy. but then in 8th grade the severe acne started to come up where my cheeks had acne, and marks were left behind. by then i was very self cautious where i could stare at a mirror forever. i would occasionaly cry maybe a few times a month. during the summer of going into high school i decided i couldn't go into highschool having acne marks all over my cheeks so i slathered on foundation every day. i was happy because my skin looked fine. throughout this year, my acne got EXTEREMLY severe because of the sports teams i am on. that was when i got extremely depressed where now i cry every single day. everything seems to be getting worse as time passes. i try to make myself feel better by telling myself there are people with worse situations such as poverty, burnt faces, etc. but it doesn't help. the thing is, i don't even know who i am anymore. it's like i'm a completely different person. the things that used to matter now don't. i question so many things. like i don't understand WHY we need to socialize, i don't understand WHY we need to exist, i ask myself such deep questions. i was very reluctant to go on accutane but my doctor gave me numerous reasons to do so. he said that i have a very high chance of beings left with permanent acne scars, i was depressed, and my acne was so severe. i chose to go on it cos dammit nothing was working. i want to get homeschooled but my parents wont let me. i've recently began to purposly skip school because i feel like so weak and i just can't deal with the world anymore. i feel confused. i feel like my parents are giving up on me especailly when the shout at me and tell me to stop crying and that im being stupid. inside i no they care and feel sorry for me but it really gets to me when they start to break down. should i still talk to them? or should i just keep it to myself? thanks everybody for your help i really really really apreciate it.
     
  10. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Hey babe! Keep talking to your parents, even though they seem to belittle your problems. I know how parents think about their kids, not because I AM one, but because I was 12 when my brother was born, and my Mom told me everything. Trust me, they probably cry because of how you feel about yourself. But they need to put a brave face on because they think that is the best thing for you, to convince you that it's not a big deal.

    The bottom line is, they hurt for you (and I guarantee they would gladly take on your troubles themselves if they had the choice, if only not to see you in such pain). They DO care, and they also realise how much pain you are in...they just don't want you to know it.

    You seem like a great girl, with friends and other interests. I agree with the person who said to try PROACTIV. My brother had terrible skin and started using it and it works GREAT!!!

    Also, try rubbing liquid Vitamin E on your face (you can get it almost anywhere), because it reduces scarring. There is also a lotion called "Moderma(sp?)" which reduces scarring. Chances are, the acne will pass and you will be fine. You just need to try to hang on to the really important things, like your studies and activities and talents. This will pass and you will be so glad that you hung on. I know that it seems like "image is everything" at your age, but TRUST me (and I speak from experience), that passes real quick. Just try to be brave and keep up the good work :)
     
  11. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    What peanut said!

    All you feelings about worthlessness and not being able to see any fruit in things is depression (almost certainly anyhow). That's what it does.
    Just another thought. The foundation you use. You know it can clog your pores which makes a build up of subum? How long have you used the foundation for and was it before the acne started getting really bad?

    Definitly keep talking to your parents, but be open about your mood so they know exactly how you feel. They will most certaintly not think your suicidal unles youve told them. Parents mean well but most of them need a helping hand.
     
  12. park47

    park47 Member

    hi everybody. i came to this site seeking for help, and i really have gotten that from all of you. i honestly feel better when i read all your replies and know that people care. i'm not saying i'm completely healed, i know this is hard time for me and i am scarred for life. and i still will break down alot but i feel like i can get through this. i really want to change the way i'm two different people: the happy person people known at school, and the depressed/crying person by night. i know when all of this has passed i will look back at it and love myself, but for now i need to tell myself everythings going to be okay sooner or later. it's all about having a positive attitude i guess, which isn't always easy.
     
  13. park47

    park47 Member

    i've been using it for about 8 months and that's when my acne getting bad. i know it's because of the foundation. but it's not like i can go to school without it because my skin will look REALLY bad. i will get alot of unwanted stares for sure.
     
  14. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Catch 22. Is there no other type of foundation that isnt so thick out there?
    I guess a good idea would be to ask your parents if you can have some weeks off from school so you dont feel you have to wear the foundation. Maybe along with the accutane (still, be careful about that) it will clear up. Right now your too self conscoius to not wear the foundation but it could well be making it worse. I know what it feels like to have people looking at you for things and I hate it. They cant even see my problems and I still get paranoid and shaky.

    It's excellent that you've found hope and you can see you can get through this. It really does make a difference in how you feel. You should find that once your through all this you'll be a stronger person for it as well, and you'll understand other people better. Hard lessons come with hard knowledge.
     
  15. omgitslara

    omgitslara Guest

    well when i was little, i remember my cousin having TERRIBLE acne. i asked her what it was and she explained it all to me. that was about 10 years ago. now her acne is completely gone. her skin is clear. so dont feel bad, it WILL go away if you treat it.
     
  16. Whitewolf

    Whitewolf Well-Known Member

    Hey listen, I've browsed these forums for awhile. I've joined specifically for this topic, because I don't believe you broadcast your depression unless your seeking help.
    Anyway let me tell you, I was in the same situation as you in terms of acne. Right now I'm starting my fourth month of accutane. I was always sort of a depressed kid, but after a few weeks of accutane I came to realize that it was affecting me. So that's the bad side. The good side is Accutane is THE most effective thing out their against acne. Right now, I'm just left with blotches and scars, because i waited so long to move to accutane.
    Btw accutane takes about 3 months for the effects to start working well, before that your acne actually gets worse! However, it is worth it!!!!! You can either be depressed for a few more months or for a few more years. I would continue accutane and be depressed for a few more months. However, if you believe you might become suicidal because of the accutane please talk to your doctor! Tell her that you can't discern whether your depression is from your acne or from the accutane. Don't be ashamed, this is your life and MANY people are in your situation!
    I've also experienced my hair thinning with accutane, because it dries out everything! Make sure to carry LOTS of chapstick and to temporarily try some Rogain. The hair loss should be temporary, and grow back when the treatment stops. I've just let my hair grow long, so that it doesn't look thin.
    Good luck.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2007
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