depressed.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by j0rd4n, Apr 12, 2008.

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  1. j0rd4n

    j0rd4n Guest

    i dont want to talk about why im like this. im trying to stay as calm as i can. but right now im just pushed over my limit. im tired of this and i honestly feel so depressed right now, i cant take it. im sorry to say but i just really want to die right now, so this is all gone. im talking here to get some comfort, its th eonly place i can come for comfort. but its not enough. i cant deal with this, i really cant. honestly the comfort i get from talking here is doing me little right now. i dont want to go on right now. when you guys are in such great depression where you want to suicide.. how do you move on? i feel like i cant move on and i just want to give up. i dont want to cry because after im done there will be nothing after it. i dont want to sleep because ill wake up to hell. i cant deal with this. i really cannot fucking take this anymore.
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    when i was at my most depressed even staying awake was torture. i slept as much as i could just so i wouldn't go over the same things over and over in my mind: how sad i was, how much of a loser i was, how alone i was. still, i was managing to hang on from day to day, not giving in although i felt like shit. i held on because there was a very small part of me that didn't want to go. maybe like 1% wanted to stay in the hopes things might get better, against the 99% wanted to die.

    one night i put that 1% in charge, looked in the phone book and found the closet doctor to me, and just showed up in his office, without an appointment. all i had to do was tell him how desperate i felt, about the 1 vs 99% and how all i could think about was suicide. luckily he knew what to do. he was incredibly kind, said all the right things, referred me on for other professional supports and made sure that i got them. the next day i had a psych assessement, the day after that was my first home visit from a community mental health nurse... and so it goes...

    that was 4 months ago. i've had many hard days and nights since then, but the very first thing i did to fight this desire for suicide was asking for help from someone - a professional - who was able to provide it.

    since then it's been hard work - 'moving on' as you call it has involved therapy, meds, meditation, walking, learning about depression, the suicide hotline, hanging out on here when i need it. keeping busy and learning to forgive myself for my past mistakes. challenging some of my beliefs about myself has been the hardest, and i'm nowhere near better. whereas 4 months ago i was so low i thought about suicide 24/7 now i can go an entire day before the sadness overwhelms me.

    you can and will feel better, with time, hard work, love and support.
     
  3. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    Time doesn't heal all wounds sometimes it makes them worse....:sad:
     
  4. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    I used to run an off-licence , i had a flat, car, girlfriend and money in the bank.
    Now i'm broke, single and owe alot of money to the bank, i sleep on my mums settee, and everyday is a struggle.

    True, sometimes things can get alot worse, i'm not a glass is half filled kinda guy, but last weekend i had already planned to hang myself, this weekend my life hasn't improved a great deal, but it has improved.

    To quote an often used cliche on here, "where there's life,there's hope."
    Even if that hope is so bloody slim it could be a supermodel.

    I'm sure in the future there will be times when i'm standing by the tree, rope in hand, but untill then i'm going to fight on. Nobody can save you, but you.
    It's hard, long and painful, and in the end for some of us, that's all life is.

    And my favourite quote from the original Dr doolittle.

    "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    the courage to change the things I can, and
    the wisdom to know the difference."
     
  5. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    I love that quote, but I believe Saint Francis of Assisi came up with it originally. Don't get me wrong, though; Dr. Doolittle is awesome, too. :)
     
  6. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    St francis is the original dr doolitle. (I guess a jokes not funny, when you have to explain it:sad:)
     
  7. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Sometimes the people with the most difficult circumstances, and have even hit rock bottom, become our enlightened spiritual teachers. All of us are teachers and all of us are students. It just depends on what end we are addressing a problem. It is not always the one who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but the one who has many dark days before the light shines through, but once it does there is a peace that has the power to surpass all understanding. It was always there; it was just covered over by some clouds so we couldn't see our true selves clearly. Nothing can give us the thing we truly want by looking at the material world. We need to find it somewhere else. I believe that peaceful place lies beyond all forms and appearances. As long as we are attached to the things society tells us is so important (whether it is our money, our social standing, our looks, our material things), we will be miserable the minute we lose whatever we are attached to, and we will feel our life is over. But it's a lie. If you can just realize that we have been sold a bill of goods, and that we don't have to accept those messages that make us believe that we are less than others, a lot of the depression we feel would suddenly lift. The truth is we are all sacred beings. This is our birthright and we have intrinsic value not because of what we do but because of who we are in the eyes of God. If we just realized this, and believed it (because it is true), the world would not look so menacing.

    It boils down to a shift in consciousness that makes you realize that you don't have to listen to every negative thought. You can observe the thought, recognize that thoughts are not facts, and let the thought pass by becoming an observer. Believe me, if you do this, your mood will suddenly feel lighter. Why? Because the thoughts are what is driving the depression. Once you realize you don't have to react to all the lies that have been handed down through a societal collective dysfunction (we are all dysfunctional to a certain extent because we are all part of this illusion called the world) you will realize this is not your fault. You are innocent. Looking at these negative thoughts (that come into your head without warning and often without invitation) without emotion instead of becoming a participant by becoming emotionally embroiled (and this takes some practice so don't give up), these thoughts will begin to leave. It is the fear that the thoughts are true that keeps them alive. But they aren't true, and when you are convinced of this, your life will change drastically for the better. You will soon begin to realize that these thoughts are imposters. They don't mean anything; and they can't hurt you unless you believe them, which allows them to grow. Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, the ability to go home was within her all along; she just didn't know it. Just remember this: Your value as a human being lies beyond all thoughts, and cannot be destroyed.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 12, 2008
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