Depressed?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anonymousperson, Jan 25, 2009.

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  1. anonymousperson

    anonymousperson New Member

    Hey. So I think I'm depressed or maybe just bored with life. I'm not sure. Currently I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. I really don't like to socialize with the general public but I mean you kind of have to these days.
    I'm not sure why but usually I'm a target for jokes and what not. These jokes are partially irritating but I know I'm better then letting people get the best of me. Most of the jokes people do make up are just retarded and repetitive in the first place. It's just more annoying then anything else. I guess that's why I can be really shy when meeting new people. Just about all the time it prevents me from meeting new people. I just think to much.
    Anyways, besides the jokes I'm a pretty smart person and I think I'm pretty good looking to. My I.Q. is in the range of being a genius, or the at least the last time I took an IQ test it said I was. I always love learning about something new. I mean I got a 3.7 GPA for my final grade in college. Only reason it's low though is because I slacked off the first couple of semesters (was still in my High School phase). I really love solving math problems and tinkering with eletronics and computers. I've always had this mindest since i was a little kid. The problem is though is that a degree will only get you so far. When looking for jobs in the IT field managers and whoever is hiring are looking for strong communications skills ; something I'm not really great at, and that I don't really care for. The other thing in life I'm really passionate about is skateboarding. I've been doing it since I was 11 or so and it's more of a life style and mindset then anything else. Skateboarding is a lot more then what people think it is. You get to meet some really cool people, see different styles, and just basically have a good time, creating good positive memories. Skateboarding is more of an independent art form; a median for self expression. There isn't any kind of sport like it. You learn a lot about yourself to, how to push yourself and break mental barriers, and just how to trust yourself. You really got to be a skateboarder to understand. It really changes the way you think about everything in life.

    The main problem I'm facing right is that I'm being forced to conform to society and deal with the general public because of the types of jobs I've been working (ex: sales associate, technical support for products, cashier, server/busser at restaurants, etc.) No longer can I spend my time learning about math or learning a new trick on the skateboard. I'm now going to be forced to socialize and bascially have other people live my life (as in my boss telling me what to do, being forced to do certain tasks.). I know some people tell me that life is tough and just to get over it, but I don't believe any man or woman should be enslaved like this. I almost feel like I live in a locked cell, not having control of my life.

    So bascially for these reasons and a few others I've been thinking about committing suicide. I haven't really mentioned it to anyone, and I don't really feel like talking to a psychologist and being hooked on some medication for the rest of my life. One of my buddies I knew actually was on some medication and it did jack for him. After he moved out of where he was living and stopped taking his meds a few months latter he went for a reassessment and he was just fine. Anyways I really don't want to live a dull life that I can't control. I sometimes also can't help but think how meaningless life really is. It doesn't matter if I'm here or not. The world will still function as it was. Actually in my opinion it doesn't really matter if any form of life exists. I know some people on here will probably tell me suicide is selfish, but whats really more selfish; having someone you care about be depressed for his whole life just because you will miss him, or letting him commit suicide and know that he won't be suffering day after day? Sure if I committed suicide my family and maybe a few other people would be sad and whatnot but the truth is that people will get over it. Sure they might think about me in the future but I mean I feel like they should kind of see it my way and just be happy that by committing suicide I wouldn't be suffering anymore.

    Anyways from a few psychology classes I took I guess it's a red flag if someone starts thinking about methods, locations, times, or just a general plan. I've been looking into methods and I kind of have a general idea of how I will do it when the time comes. I don't think I would attempt though for a bit. I kind of feel like my emotions are swinging back and forth, each time at the peek I think about suicide more and more and I feel more confident every time I could actually commit it. I mean, I think though these feelings are leaking into my normal life sometimes. I know while skateboarding I've done some pretty risky stuff that I normally wouldn't think about. Like this one time I stood on this metal beam along a road where to the left was a 40 foot drop to a highway and to the right was just a normal 3 foot drop to the normal ground. Of course I jumped off the beam to the right and did a trick while in the air with the board. Standing on that ledge though I know I don't think I would normally try to do. Please, don't misread this and think that skateboarding is fueling my depression or putting me in danger. I just felt confident at the time, just like how a lot of people who do "extreme sports" feel before they preform dangerous acts. It's just that through skateboarding actually makes me feel alive again, and is bascially whats getting me through life. Without it I don't think i would be here today.

    So I'm sorry for the long post. It's my first time telling my story to other people and just wondering what other people would have to say. Thank you to whoever reads this and actually gets me. It's time for me to get some well-needed sleep.
     
  2. porcelain child

    porcelain child Well-Known Member

    I am sorry things are tough...

    I don't have much to say...

    But i am here if you wanna talk...

    Claire...
     
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