Depressed...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Apr 23, 2011.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Just.. very down right now... Not exactly sure reasoning.. I didn't hardly get out of house today.. I rode my skateboard around a little.. But.. Maybe I'm down because I want to do something enjoyable.. And Idk.. Some days I get so sick of being home.. Just want one day I can go out.. have fun.. But even then.. What is "fun?" I can never seem to figure that out.. Guess since I didn't really ever have "fun" as a kid, I don't even know now.. I feel like crying.. Maybe another reason could be my bros death anniversary.. Its the 28th.. He would have been 19 this year... on the 29th... sigh.. I want to cry.. but all I do is feel a lump in my throat.. feel low.. and the anxiety of being inside is a bit annoying.. even riding the skateboard did hardly anything.. I want to eat.. All I've had today was some top-rammen noodles.. Just not motivated to make food right now.. not motivated to clean.. nothing.. just fml.. :blub:
     
  2. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    sorry to hear about your brother.....



    It will come back in time,......the fun.:hamtaro:
     
  3. topsail81

    topsail81 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about your brother, I'm sure it isn't easy but, atleast grab something to eat. Not eating isn't good for you.

    I have days when I feel down and I'm not sure why, sometimes you just don't feel good.

    Cheer up buddy.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you i know anniversary are very hard they don't seem to get easier It is okay to feel sad i am glad you are reaching out here for support hugs to you
     
  5. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    come talk to me sis, please :hug: we love you, and im here if you need me. take care, and be safe, and sis, please eat. even if for a small piece of meat :wub: u sooo much, and i want you to be well. ill send all my happiness to you, i hope you cant get it, and find fun. fun is for you, what makes you you :hug: you will find it, i have faith
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    If you could use some support, please PM me hun, i care about you :hug:
     
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just sending my caring and so sorry about your brother...J
     
  8. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to do.. :cry: I just am crashing.. I'm crying.. I'm so mad about my entire life.. I have this lump in my throat.. I wana just scream.. I couldn't do anything.. I couldn't ever fight back the bullies who beat me.. I never once stood up for myself.. I've never cussed no one out.. I've never let this frustration out in a positive way.. This is how my SH began... The anger.. The frustration.. Self inflicting myself with pain.. telling myself it was wrong to be mad at others except myself.. Just hiding from it all.. And silently inflicting self pain.. and hating myself for being upset.. I'm so concerned with not hurting anyone.. I can't even sometimes say what I really want to.. In fear of hurting them.. :cry: I let myself be used.. I can't sometimes let myself say "no" because I know how badly that word has hurt me... So now I sit here with this lump in my throat.. crying.. trying not to take up SH again.. I feel like one day.. this will all explode.. and the consequences will be terrible..

    I've tried before.. I've tried to get it out.. I've kicked a pop can before.. imagining it as all the people who ever hurt me.. kicking it as hard as I could.. And then a kid tells me to stop.. I.. Break down.. I fall to the ground crying.. Unable to move.. I just.. I can't even make myself scream if I wanted.. I taught myself to cuss.. I had to TEACH myself to do that... and even then I hardly ever do.. I've never cussed anyone out.. never had fights with anyone.. I feel so useless.. :badday:
     
  9. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Hiya Swift old thing.
    You know, its the little things we do in life for ourselves that makes us all different and how we do them too.
    You offer ears regardless in chat and that is a full on thing at times, you never quite know what you are going to hear.
    Like yourself for that.
    You loved your brother.
    Like yourself for that.
    Your brother would have wanted you to do the best you can and be as content as you can.
    Like yourself enough to make that happen if you can.
    Our bodies are like engines, put bad fuel in and expect a bumpy ride.
    Put the radio on, make some nice food, i know money is tight for you, but cooking from scratch is the cheapest way anyway.
    Lastly, true love is sometimes letting go. I dont mean forgetting either, i mean letting that person who is causing you pain go.
    This can be a loved one or a hated one if you think about it.
    You have a caring nature which i admire greatly, please save some for you.
    If you keep giving slices of cake away and not spending time baking.......... you will run out.
     
  10. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    *hugs and good vibes to you Swift!*
     
  11. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hello swift im sorry for your pain ,i know the breaking down feeling ,you just want to curl up in a ball and hide but be noticed for being a broken soul too

    no must be the hardest word in the world,we say yes just for contact not thinking of the consequences to ourselves right?

    who cares about us right?

    well your sf friends care,if it helps feel free to cuss me out
     
  12. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I really wish I could cuss someone out.. I can't even make myself scream.. I've had therapists try and get me to scream.. Just an open room.. I just.. It wont come out.. I just isolate it so much.. My entire life I've hid my feelings so deep down.. And now I can show some.. But when the more complex or strong emotions come, I switch back to stuffing it up.. And hiding it away.. Because.. For so long.. I was a numb robot.. I was so numb to myself.. Starting as a young child.. I was nothing.. Everyone in the entire world.. besides myself was important.. And it's so hard to allow myself to say anything sometimes.. I fear hurting people.. Because I don't want anyone else to EVER feel as bad as I have and am feeling.. To no degree..
     
  13. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i know,youll do anything,say what you think people want to hear all because you dont want to offend people right

    im sorry your feeling bad i feel the same way about other people being important so i just want you to know your not alone the trouble with other people is when you tell them theyre important after a while they see it and believe they are better than us but theyre not
    you me and the other broken souls are whats important

    glad you can show some of your feelings though that says to me your getting there sure its hard and youll get knockbacks from other so called human beings ,dont ever give up being you though being you needs no mask
     
  14. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Don't even know who I am.. never learned who I was.. And I've been told to just be who i want to be.. And I don't even know.. I have had so much shit in my life.. I just want one fucking day I know who I am, I can say what I want and not feel guilty, have fun.. But I don't even know the definition of fun.. I never had that.. Not as a kid.. Not as a teen.. I don't know anything about being human.. I wish I knew what purpose I serve.. I want to help people.. I want to be there for people.. And I guess that is my goal.. To help. But at the same time, I know I have to be able to hold myself too.. It's so hard to figure out that balance.. I want to feel like I have something to contribute to this world.. And something of my own choosing.. Not letting people walk all over me, because I'm afraid of saying no.. I want to matter.. I want a purpose.. I'm tired of hiding away.. But I don't know how to get there.. And I've come so far already..

    I've been going up and down all day.. In-fact.. for past week.. One moment I feel hope.. next I break and I have already SH once.. I just.. I need to find my life goal..
     
  15. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    thats ok if helping is your goal,thats a great contribution into this world,does it fulfill your ambitions?
    how do you feel when someone thanks you or sends a hug
    sure you need to hold yourself but you need a shoulder to lean on too like you say ya just gotta find the balance
    i know its difficult when your mind is jumping up and down with good thoughts bad thoughts
    in your moments of hope what was the hope?
     
  16. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    The hope to find a purpose.. to somehow help people.. Somehow have some sort of importance.. and not be just a human drone..
     
  17. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I don't know now.. I'm hurting so bad inside right now.. I need to just shut myself up.. I can't do this anymore.. :cry: I wish I could.. I really wish I could.. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.. :blub:
     
  18. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i understand the hope to find a purpose a reason to wake everydayand i hope you can find it
    im sorry your hurting so bad and hope you can get the good moments that you deserve ,even though you cant see it im sure your a good person ive seen you helping others here so dont ever doubt what a good person you are

    and i dont think it possible you could hurt anyone
     
  19. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Even me saying this hurts people.. I make then feel bad for me.. Make them feel guilty.. I don't know what to do.. I had to leave chat.. I'm going insane.. :blub:
     
  20. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    chats not the place to be when your down
    if people do feel bad for you its because they care about you
    you go in chat often i guess and yes sometimes it can help sometimes youll get better help than othertimes
    im sorry you feel you make people guilty but if they do feel guilty it may be because they are down and cant find the right words to say and they dont want to bring you down more
    dont ever shut yourself off from here its a place you can be yourself no matter which person you are right?