Depressing Birthday.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shiroi_Hana, Apr 7, 2009.

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  1. Shiroi_Hana

    Shiroi_Hana Well-Known Member

    Well, yesterday was my 23rd birthday (just so you know, I'm not fishing for "happy birthday's"), and I was definitely correct in not expecting much. But that's not what's bothering me. My pitiful crisis aside, I was at least hoping that for one day out of the endless parade of spirit-shattering, depressing events would cease, and perhaps I would know I was loved by my family and friends. Since money is very, very tight in our house, my mother only had enough money to buy a small cake and a pizza, but I was most grateful for it. She and my brother were the only ones who kept me from cutting profusely and possibly going ahead and committing suicide on my birthday.

    But I guess now I know that my suspicions about my friends were correct, perhaps. Not one of them remembered that it was my birthday, not even my best friend of the past thirteen years. I didn't even get a word from my 20-year old brother; I've always thought we were quite close. My mother thought I would be out all night with my friends, and I would get a break from sitting in my room and staring at the wall to kill time. No. Yesterday was just like every day before that for the last nine months, except this time there was cake.

    It's not like my best friend was too busy to call me. No, she called me several times over the course of the day, and she was crying so I had to calm her down. I kept hoping she'd look at the date on her phone and realize what day it was, then call me back. But she never did. I tried my very hardest not to get upset, telling myself not to be selfish, that she had her own problems to deal with and I should just swallow my disappointment. I told myself that I just needed to think about her feelings instead of mine, and just help her out. But she called me again toward the end of the evening, spilling her problems onto my lap and finally, I couldn't help but get upset. If nothing else, I didn't want any drama for my birthday. Well, that wish didn't come true, either. She caught on that something was wrong, even going as far as trying to guess what my problem was (and I really didn't want it to show that I was upset; she just told me that I was being too quiet and concluded for herself that something was wrong), and every guess she made was way out in left field. Just not even close to what was really the matter. She'd never forgotten my birthday before, not once in all the years we've known each other, so I didn't particularly feel the need to tell her. I just told her I was tired and didn't want to talk, and that I would call her back later.

    Of all my friends forgetting (and mind, by "friends" I mean people I've known since high school and some long before), her forgetting hurt me the most. May 7-- that's her birthday and I've never forgotten. I've even memorized her boyfriend's birthday. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

    Before anyone says anything, I know how I sound when I write this. "Poor me, no one remembered my birthday waa waa". Yeah, I'm well aware of that. But when every day, I have to force myself to wake up and search through my mind for one single reason to not kill myself and more often than not come up empty- handed, I think it perfectly acceptable to want just one single day in which my life doesn't feel completely useless and forgotten. I know I'm being selfish, here. I've scolded myself over and over for it and tried to push it down and forget it, but I'm just hurt. And I can't ignore that.

    Maybe I should just lock myself up in my room and keep to myself from now on. God, I sound worse and worse the more I type. But that's what I'm thinking. Okay, I'm going to stop writing this before I make myself sound any more self- centered, if that's possible. But that was my day.
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Duh... u should of read how my birthday went on the 1st Match...
    Your birthday is a freaking heaven compared to what i went threw...

    Anyways, happy birthday.
    I never expected anyone to remember my birthday
    i found that its easyer this way
    for me my birthday is just yet another day

    but anyways, remember the phrase "one makes his own happyness"
    if you wanted to celebrate it with your freands it was up to you
    to orgenise it, and to remind them if needed!
    It the same as any other thing, u want to go shopping, you invite freands
    not because u want them to shop, but because you dont want to shop alone...
    or any other excample.

    again, happy birthday!
  3. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    does it hurt to know nobody cares?
  4. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    i am sorry your day was shit shiroi :(

    can you stop your nasty comments to people? why reply if you arent going to be kind or help someone??
  5. bull$hitboy

    bull$hitboy Well-Known Member

    Birthdays are such a mixed bag for me, I haven't had a Birthday party since I was 8 :sad:

    Happy Birthday Annie, I'm 23 this year too and have pretty much given up on anyone even wishing me happy birthday, yet alone getting a present.

    It's a case if you don't expect stuff positive to happen you won't be disappointed, it sounds so negative but in some ways its true.

  6. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    I spent my 21st a few days ago at home with my family. I have no friends.
  7. katmandu1

    katmandu1 SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend

    You have a right to feel hurt about a close friend forgetting your birthday! That is painful. But, it sounds like she was having a very hard time herself. Yes, you are self-centered...we all get like that when we are depressed and it sounds like your friend was self-centered too! Be hurt, but talk to her about when you're both in a better place...don't lose a close friend over it!!
  8. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Happy Birthday to you darkrider, my birthday was the same last year when I turned 21, really nothing unlike so the so many other god damned happy 21 year olds I wish I was and am freaking jealous of, especially those who are estastic at being able to legally drink, but I don't think I will ever touch alcohol. My birthday will be late next month and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I haven't had a happy birthday in quite a while since I was a child.

    I don't think anyone looks forwards to it when they suffer from depression and you realize its the day you were born and you wish you weren't. I think it rings more for me when I was born premature, weighing only 2 pounds and at the verge of death. I feel I really should have died and I feel that its a mistake I'm here but its probably my depression telling me all this. Its funny since I was happy as a child so maybe I should wish that I had died when I was a child to not become the way I was now or a way to turn back the clock and fix my life.

    Sigh.........I hope we can get through our depression one day and again have happy birthdays like many of us used to have.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 9, 2009
  9. Shiroi_Hana

    Shiroi_Hana Well-Known Member

    After reading some of the advice posted by those willing to contribute, I wanted to take a moment and thank these people. Looking back on what I've written, it really makes me cringe to think about how selfish I was acting last week, and truth be told I'm quite ashamed of sounding like a whiny little girl, even though I knew I would seem so as I posted this. Anyway, after having time to really think about the things that are (and aren't) going on in my life, it's hit me that my birthday is just another one of those things about which I no longer care. My life is going on as it always was, and I'm still in one piece, so I'm disregarding everything I thought and felt prior to this realization.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You didn't seem selfish or whiney in your first post. You just seemed hurt, and to be honest, I would be too if I were in your situation. I'm really sorry your friends let you down.
  11. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    You are not selfish. Birthday's have long been celebrated in many countries and especially in the U.S. Not that it makes it any more right that we should but we grow up expecting it, right or wrong. I missed a couple when I was young because my parents had no money, then when they did have enough for one it was great. Eventually I came not to expect one, then if I had one it was so much the better. It's hard not knowing, but enjoy the ones you get and don't beat yourself up over the ones you don't. Not everyone is as caring as you are and I'm sure your parents are doing the best they can. Regarding friends, it doesn't bother me if they don't remember, and most of them don't. Even the ones I call every year, forget mine. Forget it, they are just not as special as you!
  12. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    Shiroi Hana - I read your posts. I know you were hurt that your best friend forgot your birthday. And you wanted to kill yourself for that. But here I am, I dont know you much. I dont know where you live and I still take the time to write to you. Is it not wonderful???? So, be strong and not let small things bother you.
    Develop strength of spirit so that you do not ever think of killing yourself. Life is worth living. We all have problems. But if life had no problems, would it be worth living?? Who wants to live a life that has no problems. no ups and downs, no surprises???
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