Hello. My brother has been schizophrenic for a long time. It made my family suffer. My father developed cancer and my mother a heart problem. I worried so much that I got sick with an anxiety disorder. Meanwhile I was together with a guy that I met at my workplace of ten years (between my 20 and 30 of age) - a bar, which was not so good as I often had only little sleep and rude men often made me feel like I was an object. I was not very proud of myself that time. I worked long night shifts there while I was trying to finish my university degree that a payed for through working there. My boyfriend from that bar and me were together for 4 years and had a good connection so we moved together. But he had a little addiction to gambling, alcohol and also took other drugs, which in connection with my other problems made our relationship be a steady up and down. He broke up with me the first time after two years, but we got back together. All that (family, relationship, university pressure) made my anxiety worse until the point that it was so bad that I couldn't work anymore and could not focus on my studies. I started to get fear for many many things: My own flat, my workplace, flying, eating certain things, talking to people, doing exams, just sitting still was not possible anymore. I started hearing my own voice in my head worrying about everything, telling me how bad everything was. I also developed an autoimmune/hormonal disease, which had plenty of other side effects (weigh gain, hair loss, skin problems and outbreaks, strange infections etc). I had to take time of and got a therapy for my mind and body, did some sport and felt a little better. The whole thing altogether destroyed my relationship with him though in the end. After a while of me being sick, he did not feel very happy in the relationship anymore of course and left me (Everytime he left me I was sick with the flu, lying in bed with a fewer for some reason). After a while he got together with one of our (much younger) coworkers in the bar and just 6 months after being with her they got engaged. They posted pictures all over Facebook and other social media. I was very heartbroken and still am. I have manged to finish my degree and am with a new man, that is very kind, but I do not feel the same connection to him. Everyday I feel very sad. I am not able to snap out of my depression about him leaving me. I feel besides his bad sides he made me laugh and was the only happy place in my life. I now feel as if it is all my fault and that I must be ugly and stupid. I often find myself thinking and dreaming about us getting back together even though I don't really want to. I just connect being with him to being happy. But then reality comes back to me: My brother is still sick and I try and take the burden of my parents by meeting him often and making him stay connected to society a little, so they know he is alright and can happily live on and get better. Sometimes its gets too much for me though, because my brother seems to sometimes make me responsible for stuff and it fucks with my mind, because I cannot help him. My father is also still sick, but at least he can smile. My new relationship is suffering under all the pressure as well, because we fight over little things. I do not know what to do about all the sad feelings. I have a new quite stressful job, and little time for selfcare. It is my first job after university and as I have to pay off some student loans I kind of need to work. More often recently I feel like giving. I do not want to live anymore and look for ways to kill myself. The depression about my life circumstances is slowly bringing me down. But I cannot kill myself because I do not want my family to suffer, but I can not live on either as daily life holds no pleasure but only negative things for me. I know I should look out for positive things, but I find it harder and harder. Most afraid of I am if becoming like my brother, as schizophrenia apparently runs in the family and genetic predisposition is possible. Please tell me, how can I help myself?