Depression alternative help.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by eviler, Jan 4, 2008.

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  1. eviler

    eviler Guest

    I've been diagnosed with depression for some 8 years now, I've gone through various ammounts of medication all with no effect at all. I tried other things a long the way but nothing managed to work at all either, counselling, seeing doctors who just endlessly took down note and gave no advice at all.

    I turned my back on it all, I got no results whatsoever. I started reading at the time reading a lot about religion, we're going back about 8-9 months here. I just became obsessed with spirituality and other things. Not any of the mainstream stuff, but mostly pagan stuff, however I read most things that had a religious contex, including parts of the bible too.

    I began to think positively about the what I deemed utterly impossible in my life. I had all but entirely written off myself in terms of living a normal life, as my life constantly plunged from one disaster to another. I couldn't make head nor tail of why I was so doomed but began to become fixated on evidencing why I was completely doomed to fail, I blamed my parents in the main, I grew up around them hating each other, my father always acting violent and crazy. Being constantly subjected to abuse at school, both physical and verbal. Then I began to look at why would that happen? So I drew up the conculsion that the world was out to get me because I held inferior genes and what I was experiencing was the fact that society is becoming more self aware and it wants to oust people who main be more prone to illnesses and defects due to their poor genes. I myself am not ill, nor have I ever seriously been, but my father has a heart defect and my mother's father has one too, therefore I conculded that this would be passed on to me from both sides and I would probably suffer from somekind of quick onset of heart failure prematurely. It all seemed highly plausable to me at the time. I then began to notice that my face was uneven, my eyes set back and not really attractive at all. Also I'm prone to putting on weight really fast, althought I am not overweight currently I've always viewed this as a severe weakness. I also have several marks around the gland of my penis, making it look much more unattractive.

    So basically I had a good case against myself for pointing towards my own doom. And guess what? I completely suffered too. I was hideously ridiculed at school constantly, despite being fairly clever I didn't acheive that well academically as I used to pretend to be sick and run away not to go to school. I managed to get a job as a writer for a magazine after school, I got constantly bullied within the job too, treated like shit and mispoken to. I left the job and then decided to go to university. I got constantly treated like shit at university too, I then became a desperate drug addict midway through my first year. It was the only thing that eased the pain of everything, I was constantly thinking about suicide during this stage and the drugs completely eased everything. They worked really well for about 6 months, I started going out to parties, making friends and enjoying myself. I completely ditched my studies and became a full-time drop out, but life was good. Then after about 6 months honeymoon period I began to feel dredful, eachtime I took drugs I'd feel about 20 times more desperate afterwards.

    I then dropped out of the lifestyle and went back to university in another part of the country. I studied for a profession at this stage as I couldn't afford to not have my study funded. I then was met with all the same problems as before, constant abuse, mistreatment, bullying. I was very depressed, but I carried on. Afterwards I graduated I had no job, no income and no company. I applied to some 500 jobs and got no replies, I ended up working in a terrible job for awhile before I got sacked earning just minimum wage.

    Basically everything in my life has been and always was terrible. I described it to counsellors of whom I went to for help and they wouldn't believe me, they said I was just focusing on the bad parts. I didn't understand what they meant. All I kept on hearing from health-care professionals was that I was depressed and that was the route of all my problems. However nothing they perscribed worked in the least.

    SO here I get on to the spiritual stuff, I started reading all this spiritual stuff, which I actually deemed as being complete and utter crap before hand. I read this book called 'Ask and it is given', it was the first book I'd read but it was one of the ones that made the most impact. It tried to convince the reader that you need to completely abstract on positive things coming into your life, you need to constantly say to yourself "I am going to succeed", focus yourself entirely on the positive and feel good and grateful about everything that is going to come into yourlife. I felt a little stupid doing it but I followed what it said to the letter, within the space of a month I'd actually found a really good well paid job that got me far away from my troublesome parent's house where I had been living. Basically like an answer to my prayers.

    I began to read up more into this stuff and I couldn't really believe it still, life doesn't work like that as far I was concerned, it doesn't matter what you think and feel, doing and getting is everything. I began to think upon it as just being the law of averages, I'd applied to so many jobs and had such bad luck that eventually if I kept on trying something would turn up? It was just uncanny that it turned up whilst I was reading this book. The book basically started that all the bad things in your life you basically created too, I completely scoffed at this notion entirely. To be honest it made me angry, however I thought about my life and what had happened over the years and the penny dropped. I've been completely fixated on suffering for years, I dredded going to university, I knew that it'd be school part II and all I'd get is loads of abuse and nothing but trouble.

    It's a self fulfilling prophecy

    All the times I felt bad and experienced bad things is because I believed it and it somehow manisfested, I tuned in on the bad things and responded to them that would attract nothing but more misery for myself. I was in some kind of auto-destruct mode.

    I've begun to notice that it not only stems from what you try and think and feel at the moment but it is also routed deep in the subconcious mind. I've been reading more about 'magick' and rituals to change your life, again at first I thought they were just bullshit, but then I noticed that they really appeal to the subconcious mind. Not only that, they engage you to learn and believe it because you not only read it on paper but you actively get invovled in it thus it becomes more of a learnt behaviour.

    You are free to call this complete bullshit, if I'd of read this when I was in my lowest, I wouldn't have given this the time of the day at all previously. I don't believe in god still, I've always been logical and prefered to have my feet on the ground. I've never given this stuff the time of the day previously at all, but it's working for me. Maybe it has been a series of coincidences but eitherway I certainly feel a lot more positive and I have not felt good about myself in 8 years.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2008
  2. perfect-flaw

    perfect-flaw Active Member

    I remember that I did get a similar burst of faith, after watching the movie "The Secret" because it just made so much sense.

    Your right, I do believe that you attract your own fate. Much like how I was taught in elementary that if I believe I am going to fail a test, than I will, it can be applied to anything. A positive outlook tends to bring a positive space.

    It reminds me of that quote that goes something like "The only people who get the best of somethings, are those who take what they get and make the best out of it"

    Unfortunately for me, I didn't finish watching the movie, and despite trying, I always fell victim to negativity. Once I have the confidence again, I think I'll take a stab at it. As soon as something good happens, I'll keep loving and positive and maybe things may change.
     
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