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depression and a car crash

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by tka, Oct 14, 2014.

  1. tka

    tka New Member

    I have clinical depression and anxiety, I’ve been on and off medication for about four years now since I was 20. The past Saturday I was involved in a car crash. It was my fault, as I went into the other drivers rear end. Its brought up cyclic feelings and all I can focus on is I wished I had died when I’d hit the other car. I keep reliving the moment I hit the other car and i've started self harming again. I’ve been dealing with the depression okay before the crash, I tend to self medicate with alcohol and drugs, it doesn't affect my day to day life, but i know i have a problem. I’ve just moved back with my parents to save some money after living with friends. After the crash they've been treating me like a child. I can’t blame them, when they arrived on scene they thought I was dead, but I feel so trapped. My dad isn't coping very well because the crash and thinking he nearly lost me has brought up all his fears from when I was suicidal a few years ago. I know I’m loved and wanted and he doesn't seem to understand that I’m not being ungrateful, I can’t help feeling like this, I don’t want to hurt them, I love them. But existing is hard. I would never say this to him because I know it would rally hurt and worry him, but I’d much rather be dead, to stop existing, I want them to stop worrying about me. I just feel trapped and alone and I know that’s an oxymoron as I have people around me, but I still feel so alone and the fact that my family would find it hard if i killed myself is starting to be less of a deterrent and more of a reason to just do it so i stopped putting them through pain