Depression and uncertainty

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by telltale, Feb 12, 2012.

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  1. telltale

    telltale New Member

    I've been a member here, once. Few years ago. I can't really remember, what were the reasons back then. Whatever it was, my life changed a bit, and I had things going up for some time. I moved abroad, got my first girlfriend, went through the first break-up. Then another girl, another break-up. The third woman I was with for sometime, could've been my mother, given the age difference. It was great, albeit obivously wrong, and thus we had to keep it hush-hush. Unfortunately, 2 or 3 months later, I had to leave (silly laws), and when I returned, we sort of aggreed not to get together again.

    Due to the way I was rised, my social skills were pretty retarded. I grew up to be extremely nice, helpful, self-sacrificing. I had my dreams of what I'd become, but none of it would matter, I was pushed into responsibilities way beyond my age. I witnessed my real father getting beaten up by my elder brothers (he would sometimes beat my mother). Then she me someone else, we moved. My stepfather loved alcohol, so until about the age of 15 or 16 I would often see them (mother and him) fighting. It was traumatic, there were occasions where mom would say she's going to her mother (10 miles in a cold winter night), and I'd follow her, crying and asking her to come back. At this point, I am surprised that I'm not in a mental institution. I should be, honestly. I often get depressions, suicidal thoughts, I'm somewhat autistic, I've gone through Asperger's checklist and it matches. With all this, plus my ugly looks in school years, I've had a pretty shitty childhood. I feel empty now. I don't have my own 'me', I copy and learn from others. I supposes that is the reason I couldn't keep my girlfriends interested and why I felt so comfy with an elder lady, who'd appreciate me for being myself - someone really nice and understanding, and nothing more.

    I am trying really hard to learn the ways of normal people. But I think I've burned out. Compare me to a cellphone battery. The longer you have it, the more often you have to recharge it.

    At the moment there is this girl. She's really nice, and she says I'm handsome and supportive. She is even afraid, that because of my good looks, I could get anyone, and she's kinda afraid of that. I've told her that I've been ugly for all my life, and I've learned the meaning of content, rather than the package.
    Anyway, so we only met once, and then she had to leave. We're messaging and calling each other every now and then. But when she's busy and can't pay as much attention to me as I'd like, I can't help but feel left behind. I can't ask of her to babysit me all day long. And I don't know what to do.

    Some might think I'm lucky because I'm looking good. Well, I'd change it anytime for a normal mind. I don't have any interest in the pleasures of everyday world. I just keep surviving. I'd like to end once and for all, but I'm afraid of the possible change of mind once I .. start doing it. Few times I've been holding a knife next to my wrists, and whispered to myself - 'Do it! Just fucking do it, you pussy! Pull the blade down!'. But I can't. There's some kind of subconscious barrier I can't step over.

    Sigh. I'd like to hear from anyone, who's having / had similiar problems. :crushed:
  2. Takotsubo

    Takotsubo Well-Known Member

    you're lucky to have some lady's in your life and have them say you're good looking , unlike me i could of had some but i always fuked up , so i never had a lady to be with . i've never had a lady tell me i was good looking . my parents are fighting most of the time too so i can relate on that part. overall your life doesn't seem all that shitty .
  3. BigTomTooToo

    BigTomTooToo Well-Known Member

    Hrm yep. I'm not afraid to do it with a method that takes one breath.. but I feel the same way on that point. I just Want to leave. I don't have HUGE problems. I just want to leave. :eek:
  4. telltale

    telltale New Member

    How old are you? I'm 25, and until the age of 22 I was just as you say you are. May I suggest something? Try moving. Find a job abroad. Or far from home, where nobody knows you. Start small, but with a hope and belief in a change for better. It helped me. I was just too screwed up by the time I did this, so eventually I came to the realization I want to quit anyway.

    @ taulidpiaf
    Yes, sometimes there seems to be no other way out. I hope it gets better for you, though.
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