I probable suffer from depression never been to a doctor or diagnosed but took the Burns depression test scored 96 also read the tread How does depression feel and that is pretty much me. So I guess I might suffer form depression. Have always had tease feeling cant remember when they started have been able to sort of control them most of the time. Life had intervened plenty of times that’s why I suppose I am still here First time I nearly attempted suicide was at 16 but my father finally drank himself into the grave and I had to forget about myself and take care of my mother and brother. These feeling have always been in the background popping up every now and then. My next downward spiral and contemplation of suicide was interrupted when I met my partner she was in so much pain I had to help so hid the feelings the depression and managed to control it. The relationship should have never been I am not a lesbian but I could not tell her or hurt her by leaving so its now 7 years later she drinks so much I cant help but feel guilty and hate it at the same time Tried to explain how I feel but she does not understand keeps twisting it. About a year ago things started going really bad Had to give up my career(pro cyclist) my life due to health reasons and the only thing that help me control these feelings, debts have been escalating lost almost everything and we have been fighting non stop so ironic I ended up hurting her anyway. About 2 weeks ago She went to visit kids I was alone and I OD the pills took to long to work I got scared and got onto sf they convinced me to get help ended in hospital they did not understand either and I felt worse than ever. I have been trying but I just keep going circles and my ability to cope gets less and less everyday. Yesterday we had another fight she gave me an ultimatum to come right or leave she does not want me to leave but my choice she cant live with me. I can t leave no where to go so I told her to give me to end of month to fix myself. I know I can t fix this overnight as much as I want to I also know I cant stay but where do I go . Yesterday I decided to execute the best option for all so I started drinking for some courage so I could take the 9mm and terminate my life. I was on sf most of the day trying to find something to hold onto but I did not. I upset some really good people on sf who tried to help. I really wanted to end it all but I could not just proved what a selfish useless worthless piece of S*&^% I am so I just drank until I passed out. So here I am I cant find the words to express what I feel and think maybe tomorrow I will find some courage because I know it will never change……….. Sorry for taking up valuble space wont do it again.