Depression Attempt Suicide!!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by see, Aug 11, 2007.

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  1. see

    see Well-Known Member

    I probable suffer from depression never been to a doctor or diagnosed but took the Burns depression test scored 96 also read the tread How does depression feel and that is pretty much me. So I guess I might suffer form depression.
    Have always had tease feeling cant remember when they started have been able to sort of control them most of the time. Life had intervened plenty of times that’s why I suppose I am still here First time I nearly attempted suicide was at 16 but my father finally drank himself into the grave and I had to forget about myself and take care of my mother and brother. These feeling have always been in the background popping up every now and then. My next downward spiral and contemplation of suicide was interrupted when I met my partner she was in so much pain I had to help so hid the feelings the depression and managed to control it. The relationship should have never been I am not a lesbian but I could not tell her or hurt her by leaving so its now 7 years later she drinks so much I cant help but feel guilty and hate it at the same time Tried to explain how I feel but she does not understand keeps twisting it. About a year ago things started going really bad Had to give up my career(pro cyclist) my life due to health reasons and the only thing that help me control these feelings, debts have been escalating lost almost everything and we have been fighting non stop so ironic I ended up hurting her anyway.
    About 2 weeks ago She went to visit kids I was alone and I OD the pills took to long to work I got scared and got onto sf they convinced me to get help ended in hospital they did not understand either and I felt worse than ever. I have been trying but I just keep going circles and my ability to cope gets less and less everyday.
    Yesterday we had another fight she gave me an ultimatum to come right or leave she does not want me to leave but my choice she cant live with me. I can t leave no where to go so I told her to give me to end of month to fix myself. I know I can t fix this overnight as much as I want to I also know I cant stay but where do I go .
    Yesterday I decided to execute the best option for all so I started drinking for some courage so I could take the 9mm and terminate my life. I was on sf most of the day trying to find something to hold onto but I did not. I upset some really good people on sf who tried to help. I really wanted to end it all but I could not just proved what a selfish useless worthless piece of S*&^% I am so I just drank until I passed out.
    So here I am I cant find the words to express what I feel and think maybe tomorrow I will find some courage because I know it will never change………..

    Sorry for taking up valuble space wont do it again.
  2. FallingAngel

    FallingAngel Member

    I know things maybe hard now, but just see what tomorrow will be like... and if thats not any better, then try the next day. Take some time for yourself and do lots of self soothing things. I know one thing that helps me when I feel like ending things, is a nice bath, or sometimes I put on body lotion. I am not sure what you could do, I am just starting off some ideas. Even making a nice cup of tea helps. Even making tea for other people helps too. Anything good like that.. something you enjoy doing, that gives you some time out to destract your mind for a while. Make a list of the things you like to do that is easy for you. start at number one and work your way through them slowly and breathing nice and slow and long. Relax. I am sure there is something that you can do for you, that is self soothing... try it first... and just see what tomorrow brings and take it from there. I hope I am not annoying you... I am just trying to help. I hope things get better for you soon... thinking of you...
  3. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    hi see
    the way i seeyou you BOTH are unhappy. maybe she's not a lesbianeither andjust "fell into the relationship" because it was there. in order for you both to live you need to get ouf of the relationhip first. you will die if you don't and shewill die if you die. the only way you canmake it is if you leave the unhealthy realtionship. it's been 7 years and it seems to be getting worse not better. i jst got out of a6 yera hetero rel and i'm still not over it; it'shard and it's not easy but you aren't being true to your sexuality and she's drinking which isn't a healthy sign of a relationship. just a thoght and i'mnot "tell you what to do". you just seem in so much pain and she ain't doing so hot herself it seems. seemsshe's threatening you too with ultimatum which isn't fair to your state of mental health. it seems it's her way or thehighway and a relationship doesn't (a healthy one anyway) doesn't work thatway. so give it some thought. it ain't going to be easy but it may save you a life a your sanithy and who knows maybeyou'll meetsomene whomakes you waant to snoopy dance all over the hightway!!!!!
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are still here with us see. Sorry things have been going so poorly for you lately. Please continue to come here for support when those feelings overwhelm you. You are a kind person and i would truly hate to see you harm yourself. Maybe you should consider seeking out some professional help. Whether it is just someone to talk with or the possibility of medications. Something that can help you is worth the try. Don't give up. You have so many other options yet unexplored. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. :hug:
  5. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Hi there, I just wanted to tell you that you are NOT taking up valuable space on the forum, every post you make is a treasure to behold even if it is borne of pain and sorrow. You are more than welcome to post here anytime you feel the need and desire to let your voice be heard, especially as it sounds like you really don't have anyone to speak to in the real world. As Gentlelady suggested, I too would recommend seeking professional help, depression is a nightmare to deal with and can take a many pronged attacked to cure, meds, therapy and a change in circumstances can all help. We will walk with you where we can but can only do so if you allow us to, don't be afraid to post, you a thread of yours does not get many responses feel free to pm me and ask me to respond, we'll try our best so that you have a little (online) company when we can :)
  6. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    im sos sorry hun did nt get on line yesterday please dont do anything to harm yourself ive tried to catch u today but have not had any luck will try again tomorrow.
    Please please stay safe until we talk :sad:
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