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depression..I see nothing, but emptyness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Nov 7, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    The darkness surrounds me
    nothing around but darkness
    People around me
    I watch them walk on

    Coldness feels
    no warmth from blankets
    no warmth from words
    coldness, emptyness

    Trapped in this world
    no-one else can see
    just my thoughts,
    my feelings, and me.

    I stand still, looking on
    a black and white movie
    jumbled, confused,
    moving, but images blurred

    no colours in my life
    no reds, yellows, pinks or blues
    just a black and white movie
    is all it shows.

    No red from the anger
    no green from envy
    no blue from sadness
    no pinks for love.

    I'm to tired
    my energy drained
    I'm going to bed now
    night everyone.

    My friends & family won't answer my calls
    God has turned he's back on me
    Everywhere I go, the door gets slamed.
    I sit here now, wondering where it went wrong.

    Why am I now on my own,
    why when I scream does no sound come out
    why when I cry, do no tears fall
    why am I even here now.

    Why am I breathing, why didn't I die
    why didn't I take enough to kill me
    Why is my heart beating, when I feel nothing
    Why do I have a heart, when its never felt loved.

    I give up, I give in. I want to die, I don't want to be alone anymore.
  2. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hi, i have read your other thread. Please do not do anything bad. Everyone has a future and you can with help have one which could be great.

    please don't do anything stupid, I really hope I see a reply to this. because it would really upset me to think you have done something stupid.
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    no offence but I don't see it as stupid but an escape from this hell hole i'm in. My little sister has been texting me, not asking how I am, or anything..but wanting money.. I've given her everything I can and she wants more. That's all I am, if I was dead they wouldn't be sad because they won't see me again, but because they won't have easy access to money.

    I only ever wanted to be part of a family that loved me, cared for me.. I will always love them back regardless but they don't care, love or even acknowledge me as a person.

    All my life I've been a sex toy for men, a punch bag for my mum and brother, and a bank machine for my sisters ~ my purpose in life was to ensure that they were all kept happy, and I lived in hell..well no more. I'm tried of the fucking lot. sorry.

    I don't have a future, well I might but it won't be a happy one I don't want this life anymore. I do want to wake tomorrow, I don't want anymore today's.

    I'm sorry.
  4. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    I am not going to pretend i understand your situation, I never will.

    Is there no way you can start a new life? With new people and get away from everyone?
  5. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Hun, If you were in front of me right now, I'd spank you big time. You wouldn't say what you said twice facing me.

    Freaking? No need to! I've been taught how to spank silly kids by an old man. The spanker holds a rose by the stem full of needles and holds it as tight as he-she can and hits the person with the petals. Guess who will hurt more?

    No hun, not trying to make humour out of the situation. Why n earth do you keep giving her-them money? If its for food, an emergency or the like ok but as I understand it is not for valid reasons. They use you and you let them continue so as long as you won't learn to say NO they will continue. You are teacihng them that it is ok to behave this way each time you say yes..... and not taking their responsability.

    It is not that they do not love you but they know how to get to you to obtain what they want (selfishness exists in the best families hun).

    You haven't and none has chosen its family, we are born in it and most get through it till adulthood........ BUT what was imposed on you as family is before adulthood...... you are now a fully grown nice lady and it is time for you to think of creating your own family.

    Family is not only the one we were born into but the units we choose carefully to compose it.... so it can be friends of same gender or else, of whatever age, culture, background. This might become the best family unit you will ever have till you marry and found a nest of your own (perhaps beyond that too).

    So close that open account your family thinks they have a right to take out from and see how things go..... at first it will be hard as they aren't used to see you say 'no' but later they will thank you for having taught them to be more responsible.

    I know you want them to have it all and more .... but it is not in their best interest doing it hun. Stop spoiling them and being used and you will see that soon they will look out for you out of love and family thight not with back thoughts only.

    Time for a rest now. Virtual hug to jr. ok xx
  6. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I have been looking at moving away, but it seems to be impossible to move. I don't live near my family they have all moved away (quote from my mother "she's moving away from all the trouble in her life, me")

    I do still live in the neighbouring area where most of the abuse took place, and a few still live. I do want to move out of London, move to somewhere quiet and peaceful, it just seems impossible. I can't get housing, Housing Associations don't want to know, I can't buy, and to private rent I can only do so on short term leases (which I guess is the only real possibility, but it means I will spend years and years moving around) I was thinking of buying the place i rent as I can do so with a big discount, but it means I have to stay for 5yrs, I have thought about every possibility.

    Sorry feeling sick and fzzzy head.
  7. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    I do not think there is anything I can say to you to sop you if youwant to do this. I beg you not too as I really do feel for you. I REALLY HOPE YOU DOnt do anything stupid like ending your life.

    I have a lot to cope with right now, every morning I wish I could end my life but I know that I can fix everything and I can oneday be happy.... I am not saying my life is like yours because its not. It is very different. But it is still every very hard.

    Please do not do anything. PM me... Talk to me onMSN/yahoo or something. Ill even call you.
  8. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I've always given my family want they want..its the only contact that I have with them. If I say NO, then that's it. I do have a problem with saying No and it being heard, so now I just tell them to take waht they want I don't want or need it anymroe.

    They won't ever love me, or care for me...I know that, I've kinda off accepted that..

    I would loved to have had my own family, but how can I when I can't even have a normal relationship with a man, I can't get them what they want, without being scared and freezing. I'm not normal. I'm not even sure I would be able to love someone anymore.

    I won't do anything today, I will sit it out, I will see how the Friday goes at counselling, and seeing the psychistrist on thursday next week..I know I shouldn't but I am putting a time limit on this now..I give it until the 16th, if I feel no different I won't have to relive the 18th again, I won't have to breath another breathe, I can die knowing that I tried, I failed but I tried.

    I'm sorry my posts are never any help to anyone, I read enough post saying about these forums being triggering etc, I'm sorry if my posts are doing that to people, i don't and never dreamed of hurting anyone..I'm sorry.

    G, you do freak me out..it took me a while to read on..I thought you were going to hit me real hard. I'm sorry ~ but I did read it all and I'm sorry I thought that. sorry xxxhugs xxx
  9. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    I hope it all goes ok. Remember, you can contact me anytime.
  10. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    I've been taught how to spank silly kids by an old man. The spanker holds a rose by the stem full of needles and holds it as tight as he-she can and hits the person with the petals. Guess who will hurt more?

    never heard anything full of love like that.
    hun, i doubt i can say anything that will help, anything that will make it seem better but i will always be here for you, i can't do more than that.
    i will listen and try to understand.
    i will talk and try to make you see things in a different light.
    but i will be here waiting.

    take care hun
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