Depression is killing me, and it never goes away

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Agony, Feb 8, 2007.

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  1. Agony

    Agony Member

    I suffer from extreme depression. I have no energy at all, and I pretty much just slog through the day. I have lost almost all care for my appearance. I haven't shaved in weeks, and I don't remember the last time I had a shower- it was probably about a month ago. Every single day is complete misery. I don't work, I don't go to school, I have no friends anymore. I just spend every day crying and wishing I could die.

    My life is horrible, but the intense depression makes it so much worse. I can't do anything anymore. All I want to do is watch tv, surf the internet or sleep. I just can't do anything productive. Even the smallest thing feels like climbing a mountain.

    The only way I can explain it is that I am constantly low. I never, ever feel happy. I have felt sad and depressed for months and months. I finally told my parents about this and they don't want me to get antidepressants. Since I don't work, I have no money at all, so if they don't want me to have them then I don't get them.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is worth feeling like this. Even if my life is going to get better like everyone says, it's not worth feeling like this for years. I can't pull myself out of this black hole, because I don't have the will. I just keep slipping farther and farther down. I don't want to know what happens when I hit the bottom...
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Agony I know what you're going through and you're exactly right about it not being worth going through years like this this because no one deserves to and should.It definitely sounds like you're in deep depression,I know what it's like about everything you're feeling and going through right now it's so shit I'm here to share with you anything and talk whenever you like msn or email.
  3. Valis16

    Valis16 Guest

    Same here. I have plans for very soon. That's what happens at the bottom. You might try to get free meds, I think there's government money for those that need it, I'm not sure about all states though. You could definitely get them at a reduced price if you share your circumstances with your doctor/guidance counselor..if worse comes to worse, just mention suicidal thoughts and they will try to give you medication and therapy immediately, even your parents couldn't deny that. Meantime, comfort yourself, man...I feel better about being in one of those deep deep holes when I have a favorite movie to watch or game to play, something that really feels like it was made for depression, I don't know if that sounds weird, but it's just a tip.
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    Well, I dunno if this would help. But since you do feel so miserable and low, things really can't get much worse right? From now on, things can only get better right?

    Yes, depression is an EXTREMELY VICIOUS cycle. It keeps dragging you lower and lower and saps your energy to want to climb out of your hole and get help. I am shocked that your parents don't want to get you these anti-depressants.

    I can safely say how dangerous depression is and how it affects you in so many ways, completely blackens everything. Things CAN get better, but the depression actively wants you to never think that, to always think that things can only get worse, things won't change, won't get better etc.

    Its at this point where it becomes really scary and frightening, your at the point where you may be your own worst enemy and will need other people to perhaps force to you to a hospital, force you to take meds and whatnot to help you get better. And you will most likely want to resist any help but hopefully may realize that it was worth it.

    There's so many times when one doesn't want to be treated for depression and then when is cured at least a bit, they never regret it and are great to be alive, goes for some suicide survivors as well. Depression is so scary that its clouding you right now and sapping away all hope.

    May I ask how long you've been suffering from this severe depression your currently going through?
  5. ybt

    ybt Guest

    depression is a horrible disease
  6. Agony

    Agony Member

    Imagine walking through the forest and tripping into a deep hole. You claw and grasp at the edge of the hole, but you can't hold on. You start falling. As much as you want to get out, you just keep slipping farther down. Pretty soon it's become obvious that you will never get out of the hole yourself. You've been stuck there so long that you've lost all hope and you have no energy at all. You just curl up, knowing you will probably be there forever, alone and helpless. Your parents know that you're lost in the forest, but they don't care enough to help rescue you. No one else even knows you're missing.

    That is how it feels to me.

    I have been lightly to moderately depressed for a long time now, probably a few years. It's probably been about 6 months since I started getting REALLY depressed. It's only getting worse as time goes on.

    I can't even help myself anymore. I guess that probably sounds stupid, like I'm lazy or whining, but I honestly can't do it. Read my forest analogy above. That is honestly how it feels. I feel like a walking zombie. I can't even describe how deep this depression is, and I don't even know if it's possible to understand if you've never felt it yourself. A few years ago, I certainly never knew that feelings like this existed. It literally feels like a living hell.
  7. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    Hey there Agony. I actually feel the same way. I think you've been reading my mind...the only difference between me and you is that I actually do go to school. Even then, I don't even feel like getting up. Thats a different feeling from being physically tired. I mean because I'm mentally tired. But I can honestly relate to the whole everything seeming like it's climbing a mountain analogy. I feel the EXACT same way.
  8. Valis16

    Valis16 Guest

    I wish my school would blow up. I don't think anyone should have to go, and definitely not those who are severely depressed. Why are high school kids so obsessed with talking about everyone, and with beating down people who don't have any self confidence? Doesn't it feel a little better to talk to people on this site, though? I know it's nice for me, and absolutely NOTHING else makes me feel the slightest bit good. Just know you're not alone.
  9. Agony

    Agony Member

    I am hopeless. I would do anything to make this feeling go away, because I can't deal with it much longer. I have to do something to make it stop.

    That's what I need, an escape from the pain. My mind hurts so much. I need to escape.

    I am so torn up inside. Every time I come so close to finally doing it, I think of my family. I can't burden them with this. They don't deserve to suffer because of my weakness. I have to be strong and take the aguish on the chin. I have to smile and pretend everything is ok, even though I am in hell in my own body. I cry my eyes out and then go and eat dinner with them like nothing ever happened.

    I don't think I'm strong enough. It's not worth it to feel like this all the time. My life is missing so many things that I will probably never have. I have psychological disorders that have really messed my life up. No, I'm not crazy, but I suffer from many different things such as OCD and agoraphobia. All I want in life is to find love. I've never been in love, and I probably never will.

    I apologize if this seems emo, but this pain inside is so real, it's not some emo thing. I've kept this bottled up for so long.

    I want this depression to fucking go away. :sad:
  10. Valis16

    Valis16 Guest

    That really sucks, I have much the same thing. My parents don't subscribe to the whole pill thing either so when they finally caught on that I was spending a lot of my time hiding my face in a pillow in my room, they got me on some herbal antidepressants. What a joke. These supplement things are supposed to start working in 4-6 weeks, too bad I won't be around to see it. I used to feel a little better by reading posts on this site and seeing that some were like me. It gave me a little peace of mind to face the day.
  11. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Agony first of all you aren't hopeless my dear friend and as you stated unless you've suffered it or have been there yourself you don't know what it feels like.I'd like to tell you I'm exactly where you're now and I'm sick to death of this pain and go through all kinds of emotions feel everything from guilt,anger,delight at times(well Im bi polar)and everthing else.
    I just want you to know how fucked up it really is and how hard it is and that we dont like feeling like this,and as others may think thats its so easy to fix like flicking a light switch they have no idea.
  12. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    Maybe you should try moving out on your own, it would be a change that you need.
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