depression is like a five ton weight on my back

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nothing-, Nov 15, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. nothing-

    nothing- Guest

    i am in a bad place right now, mentally. i have horrible depression. i have been sleeping like 12 hours a day just because its the only thing that relieves the pain.

    i just can't deal with this anymore. it totally saps my will to do anything. i should be looking for a job, but i have no energy. i thought i could get over it but i can't. its just like a huge black cloud over my head that never goes away. i have hopes and dreams for the future, but i can't see a future anymore.

    i have depression because i'm lonely. i have social anxiety disorder which makes it very difficult to make friends or even meet new people. i have zero friends, and i have never had any close friends. the worst thing is that i didn't even know i had this disorder until it was too late. i am 21 and i've never had a friend or a girlfriend. i've had no one that i could actually share my real feelings with. do you have any idea how hard it is to keep everything bottled up?

    i appreciate the offers of people from here to talk to me, buts its just not what i need. i need someone in real life that i can personally talk to; someone that actually cares about my feelings and will listen to me. my family won't understand; i already tried that. i am left to stew in my own misery and put my pathetic whinings on a suicide forum.

    embarassing thing, but i dont even care anymore. you'd think that someone with horrible depression would have no libido. well, I do, and its higher than ever. i am almost climbing up the walls. if i could just make my sex drive go away, i would do it. social anxiety disorder and a high libido do not mix well, apparently.

    i am a waste of life. i don't even deserve to be alive. we weren't given life just so we could sleep all day and think about how we could die. i just don't know how to make this go away. i don't have cutting, or drugs, or booze to get me through it. i just wallow in it on my own.

    i wish i could just fall into a coma right now. i just dont want to feel anything anymore...
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2006
  2. David

    David Active Member

    nothing-, you've just described my life. i have no friends too, and having the same issue with the social anxiety disorder. i absolutely loathe my life, it has no meaning. it gives me nothing, it takes aways too much.

    i am studying in the college right now, and can you imagine a guy having no friends who he can talk to in school? people look at you as if you're a total loser. nobody wants any association with me and it's tough to be isolated. sometimes i found myself not saying more than 5 sentences a day, and most of the time i speak only when spoken to, which is when ordering food.

    i have thought about quitting school and the desire was especially strong when i was a freshman. but what can i do without a college education? i doubt i can even survive on my own in the real world with no proper certificate. if i were to be a loner in life i want to be a self sufficient loner.

    i know i will take my life someday, it is just a matter of time. so meanwhile i am just playing the waiting game.

    nothing-, i totally understand what you are saying because i'm experiencing the exact same things too. i just want you to know you are not alone.
     
  3. life

    life Well-Known Member

    I undertand u guys very well....Becouse ı have no frıends too due to socıal anxıety shyness.....Its a bad feelıng...when u cant communıcate wıth people and have no frıends life just be a mısery...U say why me???why cant ı be lıke other people....why cant ı have fun when ı am around people....And just thınkıng about what to say how to say ohhhhhhhh...But ı am 17 years old and ı leared somethıng ı leared that only u can help ur self no one can help you...U JUST HAVE TO TRY TRY TRY...A SOCIAL ACTIVITY OR HANDLE A JOB WHICH U HAVE TO COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE....and ask thıs questıon to ur self am ı doıng the best ı can do overcome thıs ssıtuatıon? the answer ıs no u know thıs.......Gıve up when the answer ıs yes...But dont forget nothıng ıs ımpossıble...Socıal sıtuatıon can be leared u are goıng to struggle at fırst but then u are goıng to be happy....
     
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Whew you all have described my life as well, I am 19 years old and haven't had friends for a long time, never had a girlfriend. I am in college, second year and don't talk to anyone, haven't made a single friend. Everyone I know has so many friends, are so happy, all of my parent's friend's kids are better than me, my relatives are all better than me, I am inferior to everyone. I am so messed up.

    I feel that I am going to commit suicide eventually like you David but don't know when but I am also afraid of death, what happens after death, my family would be devastated. But I'm such a waste of space and whining and being so pathetic.

    Glad to see I'm not alone and I hope you all aren't as well. I totally can relate to you guys. Hope we can be friends on this forum at least?


    Especially you David and Nothing, your life is just about EXACTLY like mine. I am not fit for this life, I don't think life itself is bad, but just its me thats incapable of living it to the fullest, I wish I could start life all over again and be normal. I'm a lonely, miserable, pathetic wreck.

    Maybe if we all lived in the same area, we could have met up and become good friends? Maybe thats what I should try to do? Try to find people that are very lonely just like me with social anxiety and be friends with them? Since we're incompatible with all the normal people out there but yet we still desire company. We loners I guess have to stick together?
    Sigh...........hope people can reply back.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2006
  5. Andrew452

    Andrew452 Guest

    Yeah sometimes i wish everyone in the world was as nice and understanding as the people on this forum. I think many people who want to commit suicide are overly compassionate and sensitive. This is the reason the cruel harsh world can bring us down more easily then others. If there was a city filled with people like us I would move there in a second.
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2006
  6. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Amen to that, that would be the best city ever in the history of history. :biggrin:
    We depressed/suicidal people really need to stick together, especially when so many of the normal people tend to shun/ignore/hate, etc. us. :sad:

    Seriously, I think the only way I could make a friend/girlfriend is with someone also suffering from social anxiety disorder and depression and whatnot. But of course, they'll be reclusive as me and hard to find. Eh.
     
  7. life

    life Well-Known Member

    guys Just Forget It My Decision Is Now To Try To Overcome It Thats All......................i Am Going To Try My Best...İf No...İ Wwill Commit Suicide
    Ok
     
  8. nothing-

    nothing- Guest

    i felt the same way too; that if I ever got a girlfriend, it would have to be someone as shy and inexperienced as I am. i can just imagine how creeped out a woman would be if I told her I am almost 22 and I've never been on a date. i can already imagine how awkward it would be.

    i think its too late. i missed all those years where people develop their social skills and get those experiences in like first love, etc. i don't even know how to initiate or continue a conversation anymore even if I tried. i'll never be able to make any friends, let alone a girlfriend. even if I wanted to try, i will just end up looking like an idiot.

    i don't think i am ugly or obese or anything. i just have very bad social anxiety and bad social skills. might as well throw extreme shyness in there too. i went 3 years in college every day just going to class, getting food, and going straight back to my dorm room. i heard people talking about me, wondering if i was dead or not, because they never saw me. I spent 15-20 hours a day in my room.

    i am going to give myself until the age of 25. if i don't have a life by then, i am just going to leave this world. by then i will be too far in the hole to ever make a change, and i just can't face a life alone. its already almost too much to take. 1/3 of a life gone without ever having lived is too much.

    lonliness and depression is a killer combo, and the worst part is that they feed off of each other. i really do want to make a change, to make friends and get a social life. the depression makes that almost impossible. no matter how long I sleep, i wake up and have no energy or will to do anything.
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2006
  9. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I also don't consider myself physically unattractive, just messed up on the inside. In my first year of college, all I did was go to class a bit, eat and spend all my time in my apartment room as well. Now, I commute from home but still just go to class and thats it. My life is so empty and messed up, why am I the only one that is screwed up and EVERYONE around me is so normal and happy? Its a slap in my face.

    I also have felt that its too late for me to change, that I missed out on the critical development stages of socialization early on. But I also feel bad about whining so much and being so pathetic.

    I know my parents won't accept me being depressed, I'm supposed to become very happy and sucessful and they are confident that my depression is going away and that I'm getting better.

    I'm stuck in this pathetic life but am also afraid of death very much as well. Whats the only thing I can do? Stop whining and posting my rants on the internet and change myself? Ah, so easy to say.......look at both of us, sounding so pessimistic and whiny. Sigh................................damn.

    We have a lot in common you know, I wish you were in Houston so maybe we could be friends.

    Man, now I'm getting real depressed and pessimistic about my future, I'm really anxious and afraid now. Man......sigh....what am I going to do???????????????
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2006
  10. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Nothing-

    I'm 55 yrs old and I've started over more times than I can count. As long as there's life, there's hope - that's my motto.:smile: If you're not yet 25 please give yourself more time to "get a life", so to speak. There is so much out there just waiting for you to discover it - but you have to be alive to discover things.:smile:

    I agree with what ANdrew said: that people who are suicidal (depressed, and with other forms of emotional disorders) are generally more compassionate and caring cause of going thru so much pain themselves - they/we recognize it in others much easier, and are more willing to extend a helping hand. I've also been told - and I choose to believe it:rolleyes: - that people who are extremely depressed and anxious and 'troubled' are often highly intelligent as well. That it's our extreme awareness of the world around us that often pulls us into despair.:sad:

    Please have a bit more faith in yourself. We care about your well being. Please care a bit more about yourself - you're worth it!!:smile:

    I care.

    least
     
  11. ml1326

    ml1326 New Member

    Yah, i also know what you're going through. I'm in college, second year, have bad depression, bad social anxiety disorder. I've never had a girlfriend. I wish i did. I always see people walking around campus with friends or girlfriends and i just feel so pathetic and lonely cuz it's not me. i really hate it. i can't turn to anyone either. just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that i can definitely relate.
     
  12. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Who says you guys cant stick together? become friends on here and share experiences, im sure ther would be others like you at your colleges, why do they have to reach out? Why not you? I believe that ANYONE can do ANYTHING if they want to bad enough but those people also have to be strong enough to REACH OUT.

    It might be really hard for you, but once youve gotten thru the first steps it gets easier each time.

    Take care, ALly _%
     
  13. PainEngulfsMe

    PainEngulfsMe Active Member

    wow im jealous, i'd be happy with 12 hours a week. I cant sleep more than a couple hours at night, usuall from 3-5 then off to school.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.