Depression is taking over my life.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by tness, Sep 7, 2012.

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  1. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    I will first give a description of how a normal day for me is now.

    Wake up in the morning around 6:30, no food, just brush my teeth and that's it. Drive to work around 7:10. We start 8:00, But I'm at work around 7:30 every day.
    Make coffee at work. Browse many forums, including this a lot. Not working much really, just "surfing" and looking like a zombie.
    Lunch at work: No food again. Just coffee and water. My coworkers are trying to make me eat, and I must probably start eating something at lunch, just to make them quiet.
    After lunch, nothing much, small talk, and reading forums again.

    Drive home around 16:30, we are finnish at work at 15:30, but I have nothing at home waiting so I can just stay at work.
    Drive home, smoke a sigarett in the car, cry a bit. Arrive home, lay on the couch watch something on TV, drink water. No dinner.

    I lay on the couch all afternoon, also nights.
    So I sleep around 23:00.

    I'm so deeply depressed that I don't know where this will end. I'm starting to think about easy solutions again. Like ending it. I'm reading a lot about suicide, watching movies on youtube, and just gathering so much information about the subject. I know its morbid, but I can't help it.
    My self confidence is gone, not a single ounce of it is left in my body.

    I was on the scale today.
    67 kg. around 135 pounds

    This is going no where. But I don't care.

    Family is still no talk. I will not go home this weekend, I will buy some beers and just drink all weekend.
  2. cordial1

    cordial1 Well-Known Member

    Well.. As much as no body wants to hear this. I have to give it a go. Suffering from depression myself, I absolutely understand the nothingness you feel, and the bleakness that you do feel when you aren't too numb to realize emotion. So, I get it, and if I don't, then I am just speaking from my own experience. Also from my own experience, it gets better. The last and least believable words are the truest. It gets better. You get stronger every day. Living with depression is a struggle, but it can be overcome. I'm confident of that, and I'm confident of you. You haven't let it get you yet, you're still working, you're still making an attempt to live life. You can do this, and we're all here to support you.
  3. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Yeah, at least you're still getting out of bed and going to work. I'm not getting out of bed anymore.
  4. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    I´m not sure how Im getting out of bed, hmm, not bed, up from the couch every morning. I just do it, and the fact staying home in the apartment would kill me more.

    Im actually in the apartment this weekend. Drinking beer.
    It´s not good. Tears are streaming down, and I feel so sad all the time, sad sad sad.
    It´s totaly draining me empty, I have probably zero seretonin in my brain now.

    It´s terrible to be like this, I´m not sure what to do to turn it around
  5. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Are you on an antideppresant? I've started on an MAOI and I think I might have a bit more serotonin in my brain now. I feel a bit of a sense of relief that the edge is coming off the worst of my symptoms. Not eating will only make it worse. Try to get on a good diet and get some exercise and find a fun hobby where you can meet people. These are the things that help me when I'm not yet disabled to the point of never getting out of bed.
  6. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    I saw my therapist today, and she thinks that I'm banging my head against the wall and not moving an inch forward, she is probably correct there. But In a way I feel better, but I'm not sure. But at work I'm function pretty well, or I'm getting better, like more initiative and creative thinking is coming back. But my problem is after work, no social network, just sitting inside my four walls. And slowly dying.
    She wanted me to start medication (Zoloft) I said yes, but I still feel fear against it, when you are going to quit the medication, people can feel very bad.
    But she said that I will start on 50mg pr day for one week, then go up to 100mg the next week. But I'm scared, perhaps my personality would totally change?

    I will pick up the med today, and have a dialog with my selves about the subject.

    The reason is that I'm a nurse and have worked a little in the psychiatric ward. I don't work as a nurse now, my last shift was back in 2007. So I feel such a failure to start taking meds.

    I'm not sure what to do
  7. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Tess, some real depression is caused by chemical imbalances and deficiencies.. From personal experiences can say truthfully meds. Can really help with this.. Talk some with your pdoc's.. About your fears and thoughts of yours.

    Would try the rush judgements and enuf time to make informed decisions about the results..did without for ling time and now have been using remeron and trazodone for dozen years.. Thing with is a ton better..hope you can get the same good results.. Jim
  8. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    Thank for the reply and support jimk and Alianbeing:

    I´m not planning to stay on Zoloft for a long time, but I just need some help to cope with my life right now. I talked with a coworker after I saw my therapist today, he has been down there aswell, taking meds. He is off that now, been for some years, but he support my decission 100% If i start on meds. He know everything about my situation, and I trust him and he trust me. He is probably the closest person I have right now, but he can relate to my situation. So It´s nice to know that I have someone that I can talk to.
    I will start tomorrow morning, so I can get into a regular schedule with it. I just hope that this will help me over the edge, and that I will have less side effects, and also that It will not alter my personality to much.
  9. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    My first day on Zoloft, No difference, but I know it can take up to a month before it start working properly. But it was a strange feeling taking the little pill this morning. Im on meds for the first time in my life.
    Read the local news today that a "friend" died today. He was not a friend, but we knew each other, and we talked when we met on the town.
    He died of natural causes.
    So that was very sad.
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