Depression or anger ?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lonelymortal, Jul 2, 2009.

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  1. lonelymortal

    lonelymortal Well-Known Member

    I'm curious, which of the two consumes your thoughts most often ?

    For me, definitely anger. I have thoughts about pulling out a gun in a crowded area and just randomly shooting everyone in sight. I have thoughts about planting a bomb in a government building and detonating it when the maximum number of people are in the building. I have thoughts about how much I'd love another war to start so that other people's precious families will die. I love watching news about shootings, stabbings and death. I love seeing shocked people on the news crying. I'd love to walk up to them and laugh at them then spit in their face. Sometimes i'll read a story about someone getting raped/stabbed to death and i'll feel sorry for them but that's about it.
    One thing that I don't like ? Sexual sadism. (such as choking, BDSM and all that.) Just regular sadism for me, thanks.
    I absolutely LOVE watching other people cry, It's the biggest turn-on ever for me. I love watching people cry on the news when they hear about the deaths of their loved ones. I love watching children cry. Before I got fired a couple months ago, I had to try pretty damn hard not to burst out laughing every time I saw someone crying. I absolutely love watching other people suffering, watching the fear in their eyes, watching the horror in their eyes.
    I just want to drown myself in evil and darkness.

    A lot of times I've felt very depressed and lonely. Looking up at the vast sky and realizing how tiny and insignificant I am. I feel like I've moved past the stage where I'd just sit around and think about how much everything sucks. I embrace loneliness, death, misery and suffering. I love suffering.
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    for me its mainly depression that consumes me. I've become obsessed with plans on how to end it. everyday I think of new ways. everyday I get closer to going through with it.
  3. lonelymortal

    lonelymortal Well-Known Member

    Interesting. I wonder what the difference is between you and me. Maybe it's because no one ever treated me as a human when I was growing up. Kids at school would push me down stairs, trip me in the hall, call me stupid and worthless. I'd go home everyday and get yelled at/pushed into walls/ignored/put-down by my parents. I spent nights completely alone crying and wishing I was dead. I wonder if anyone ever realized how much they hurt me. They thought they killed me. They thought all the mean things they said to me and the mean things they did to me would destroy my spirit. But guess what ? I'm stronger than ever, angrier than ever and more evil than ever. I hate humans(let's say 98% of humans) and I pray for the day that I will get my revenge. (Just ranting)
  4. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    we're not different there thats for sure. I had basically the same upbringing. I think we both just were affected by it differently. instead of anger I just gave in to the negativity let it destroy my spirit.
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Its anger for me most of the time. I'm always angry when i self harm, and often it's anger that makes me want to kill myself. And many a time it's because i want to get back at someone because i'm angry at them.
  6. lonelymortal

    lonelymortal Well-Known Member

    I see. I had also given into the negativity a few years ago and all I wanted to do was just lie in bed all day and cry/think about how much life sucks. But what if everything happens for a reason ? What if my destiny in this world is to be a shining angel of vengeance, mercilessly destroying the cruel and disgusting humans that tried to destroy me when I was a loving, caring and innocent young child. Anyways that's about all I have to say :tongue:
  7. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I feel the same exact way you do! Its funny I was just talking to the only friend I have last night and basically told him everything you just stated is how I feel, then I asked him if he thought I was crazy. I have never had a girlfriend and I am 21, I hate women with a passion for not ever wanting a guy like me. I am happy to see other people in pain, when I am on the train in NYC I imagine shooting people that look like they deserved to be shot. I want people to feel as much pain as I did and still do. I always admire and read about the Muslim martyrs across the world who die for what they believe in, and kill their enemies, they are my heroes. For me it has nothing to do with their religion that attracts me to them, but the feeling that they have anger just like me, and they will take matters into their own hands. I love how they can commit suicide with no fear and don't care at all what other people will think.

    Its a mixture of both depression and anger but when I'm angry (which is all the time) I start to think and feel what I just expressed.
  8. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    I would have thought having a complete disregard for human life and taking pleasure in the misery of others was a desirable trait in a man. I'm utterly shocked that you can't get a woman to like you.
  9. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I am appalled at this post.

    " absolutely LOVE watching other people cry, It's the biggest turn-on ever for me. I love watching people cry on the news when they hear about the deaths of their loved ones. "

    I just lost my dad and I find this very offensive.

    You are sick.
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ryan :hug:
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    do you think you feel ashamed of your own suffering?

    i've had homicidal thoughts but they were linked to fury when i was dying and were aimed at spaces outside that made me feel like i was dying, or specific people who had damaged me.

    i have a lot of what people would say righteous anger. my therapists always wanted me get in touch with the anger as i dissociate so much and have aimed it inwardly rather than externally but i've never felt the way you do about enjoying people suffer and cry. i think i've used it really well in communicating how i feel to certain people- your aim is some kind of enjoyment in seeing other people suffer, my aim is to open some kind of communication with people who have hurt me. sometimes it's worked, sometimes, it hasn't.

    although you say you aren't depressed when you feel angry, you do sound incredibily unhappy. you say you find strength in the thoughts you do but maybe that's more of a case of feeling in control of others ( and your) suffering? just a few thoughts.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2009
  12. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    I think that you're so tired of being depressed that you've decided to cover it up with anger. When you're depressed, you're afraid, but when you're angry everyone else has to be afraid, right?

    I think it's a trap, though. By hiding under the anger, you keep people from knowing what you really need. What if there's someone (even a woman) who can help you deal with your depression, who can actually help you to heal, but that person won't get near you because your anger frightens them?
  13. ConsolationPrizeFighter

    ConsolationPrizeFighter Well-Known Member

    i'm definitely 50:50. my outward anger makes me angry at myself. then i'm depressed and angry a the world cause i'm jealous of the world. it's a vicious cycle...
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