Okay, I just finished writing this - and I apologize for the length. It really is just a lengthy rambling and I am just trying to talk about it to get the weight off my shoulders. Again, I'm sorry...you don't have to read it if you don't want to but maybe if you feel the same way you can let me know that I am not alone. Hello I'm new...I'm not one for introductions really so I figured I'd get right to it, needing to just release some stress anyways - so let me get to it...I hope this is the right place for this as it kind of fits into "The Uncertainty Principle" and "Let it all out..." forums, but I am horribly depressed - so I came here. It's taken me months to register here, and just about as long to make a post, so please bear with me. Guess I'll share a little background information...I've lived with depression pretty much as far back as I can remember (I am in my mid twenties now) - thrown into hospitalization a few times (both unwilling and turning myself in) in fear out of self harm. I've only recently thought about my depression as being bipolar and after some research and comparison, I am confident enough to say I am...I don't feel the need to pay for someone to diagnose me with it when all of the signs are there, and I am content with this. I have been through alot in my life...not going to share the story, everyone's heard it before - life sucks, bad things happen. Acceptance does not come as easy to me as it might others, and it's hard not to deny what has happened to me. I've lost many, caused pain, felt pain...but the one thing that has bothered me is how I've pretty much become someone I don't even know anymore because of everything. I don't know how depression does it, but it's got me wrapped up in a world of nonstop pain, grief and hate (not only for myself but for others). So much so that I don't leave my house anymore...no friends, no calls, no contact. It's nothing that I am proud of really, granted it might be easier at times to have company to help me get through this, but somehow I always end up in the same situation - alone, depressed, and sometimes dangerously suicidal. Between the weight of the world and trying to be perfect for everyone, I'm tired. I have no problem helping people out, in fact I am usually seen as 'the strong one' by people who know me...I sponge things up, bottle them inside - and when I can't take anymore, it never ends well. Perhaps that is why I am writing this right now, I know I need a release before I get to that point and I am really trying my best to handle things...but who do the strong run to when they are weak? I have kind of taken on the saying, 'don't always reach for a hand, sometimes it's safer in the dark' At least in my situation, it rings true. I don't really have problems making friends or being in a relationship with females. Most depression, as far as I can tell, is partly to blame from relationships (sorry to generalize)...now I can agree that mine is partly to blame for that. I tend to push people away when they get close though, I can not live through what I have been through before...not many people have the chance to watch their soon to be wife pass in their own arms. I don't think I could live thorugh anything even remotely like that again, and wouldn't wish it on anyone...but maybe that shows why I push people away. Not only have I lost her, but many friends along the way - and another one isn't doing so well at the moment. It seems to follow me around, no matter what I do. I'm terrified of what will happen next, and I am not afraid to admit it - it is just one thing after another, and it never ends. I have no one to run to, I've alienated so many people because I am afraid to lose anyone else...and I just can't face this alone any more, I am lonely to no end...I want to love, have friends, and be happy - will peace never come? Sometimes I get jealous of people who are happy, and have good lives - so much so that on occasion I will become angry with them. I want them to be happy, don't get me wrong - but why not me? Why is it so hard to wake up in the morning and actually want to get out of bed? Some days it's worse than others - and it has affected me so bad that I cannot get a job, and everyone who works for a living know how bad things can get when you can't pay the bills. Within the past couple of weeks I have resorted to pain killers to ease the mental frustration...I know I shouldn't, I do know better - but it's all the same after all, it's just another day that I can put off the pain. After all that has happened to me in my life, I've kind of changed religions (I hope it's alright to touch on this, if not I can edit this out - just let me know). Was raised strictly christian from all sides. My family always went to, and still attends, church on sundays. But after everything, I don't personally feel that if indeed any form of god does actually exist, he's not all powerful. Why he would let anyone go through this kind of pain is beyond my comprehension. What makes me angry at times is how people say cheer up when I am depressed...anyone who truly has depression knows it's not that simple, and that anyone who hasn't lived through it wouldnt know. I'll accept a 'cheer up' from anyone who actually knows that depression hurts both mentally and physically, but some people are too ignorant to even try to understand. Like right now, I feel horrible - my back hurts, eyes are fighting to stay open and my legs are cramping up because I haven't slept in so long. But I can't sleep, my mind keeps flipping through the pages of this tragedy novel I call life. I wish there were simple answers to tough questions...like how am I going to feel when I wake up tomorrow, or when is the next day I will feel well enough to accomplish even the smallest of tasks. That second one is a question I ask myself alot. I try to do the best I can with coping...set small goals for each day, and maybe a medium sized goal for the week...but how do you find the power to do anything when you are constantly bombarded with these feelings? I wish I wouldn't expect so much out of myself, but I also wish I would want more. My whole life I've tried to stand out from the crowd. I've tried to find something that jumps out at people and says, "This is why he is different than everyone else, and you will find no one like him" but to no avail. I mean I have been told that I am good at many things, I am smart and that I am different than other people...but sometimes I feel they are just trying to pacify my obvious cries for help. I have problems sticking with things at times...things tend to become boring fast - I was told a few weeks ago that if multiple things can not keep someone occupied (or are mastered quickly) it's a sign of a brilliant mind - yet again the pacifier theory comes to mind. I've been told I'm extremly mature, I hardly ever cuss, I speak as proper as possible (and I apologize for any errors by the way). I am always the one who tries to talk things out and never loses their cool in a tough situation, and I could sell anyone anything...I admit I am persuasive. I am generally nice, almost to a fault. People use and walk all over me - and I let them. I want so badly to be accepted by someone...anyone, that I let the wrong people come back for another helping. But again, I am afraid to hurt people, so I push them away as quickly as I can...I don't want to hurt anymore. Suicidal tendencies aren't really my thing, but I feel them coming on...I didn't think I was going to make it through the night last week. I have no idea why I feel this way. My life right now isn't really stressful, but I'm not going to make excuses or take a guess at what is causing it, as that will more likely than not get me thinking about things...and I don't personally believe that's a healthy choice for myself at the moment. All I know is that I'm not happy, but I want to be. I would do anything to be happy, if I knew what to do that is. How can some people breeze through life with no problems, all doors open for them on command and they are never down? I see people smile and I envy them, sometimes wishing I could ask them what their secret is. There has got to be a key to being happy and I want to know it, because things are only going to get worse from here. In the phrase, "things only get worse before they get better" I want to know when that transition takes effect... I've never really told anyone about all of this, about how I feel or what has happened to me in life. I'm not sure if it helps or not yet, I guess we'll see as soon as I get the guts to press 'submit'. To be honest I don't know if I am ready to admit any of this, or if I even want to. Sometimes it feels like I intentionally make things worse...I tend to ruin perfect things, while encouraging bad ones. I am so desperate for help right now, crying typing this...I need someone or something to hold onto for hope. I'll be the first to admit that my life as of right now isn't so bad (as I said), and that there are people worse off than I am...but is it so bad for me to ask for help once in a while? No one ever wants to listen to my problems, but I have no other choice but to listen about theirs...that might sound rude, but I mean it in the best way possible while having just a pinch of sarcasim. If anyone really knew how I felt they would probably run from me or think that I am crazy. If you've read this all the way through so far, thank you. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. It's not often people take the time to listen to me when I need it. And it is out of pure desperation that I write this today, I need to let it all out, and find a way to deal. I'll try to end this shortly, there's just so much I want to say before I'm done here - and I know I won't even come close to all of it. I'm extremely insecure about myself, and actions speak louder than words...but what do you do when it's not enough? I don't try to impress people, but I am a perfectionist to a degree. It's a blessing and a curse...I want to be everything to everyone, but am nothing in return for myself. I try to take time out of the day just for me but am always interrupted by pressing matters. I all too often expect people to be like me, and am so often disappointed. I try to live up to a standard that not even I can reach and its painful. I put on a fake smile when I go out, you'd never be able to pick me out of a crowd as to who I am and how I really feel. I'm tired of lieing to everyone, and to myself about all of this. I wish I could change, but everything is always easier said than done... As you can tell I do infact sponge things up and bottle them to no extent...and so I think I need to stop now - I hurt too much to keep going. Again, thank you so much for reading - it really does mean alot that someone would take the time out of their schedule to read something that I wrote, especially when it's extremly long and almost completely nonsensical rambling.