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depression + startiing uni....

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by byebyebeautiful, Jul 11, 2010.

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  1. byebyebeautiful

    byebyebeautiful Account Closed

    Long thread, important information at the top, more information at the bottom if anyone wants to know any more information.

    This is the question I have been asking myself, "How can I feel so depressed when I have accomplished so much?" I had a crappy upbringing, a traveler family until I was three, my father threatened to sexually assault me if my mother refused to have sex with him. (Don't worry, she gave in to him so I wouldn't be hurt). I didn't learn to talk until I was 3/4 years old due to my being deaf. School was hell, the teachers refused to believe I was deaf until my mother convinced the school to bring in hearing testers every 6 months. I had to be home educated as I believed I could not read when in school, I could in fact read books much higher than the level expected at that age (I believe I was around 7years old). My family moved counties, I was bullied all through school because of my hearing loss and the fact I have a mole on my face. Children can be cruel. I failed my secondary (high school) exams.

    So, this is why I should be happy - I achieved Level 2 hairdressing even after leaving home for a month, thus missing out on a month of college in my first year, the second year I obtained a back injury and was out of college for a further 7 weeks. I still finished the course before the end of term.
    Now I've finished a level 3 course and will be heading off to university in September.

    So why the hell am I so depressed?

    OK I have left one hell of a lot of information out of this thread. That probably doesn't help with trying to give advice.

    I was abused (sexually) by three people, and I was physically abused by one of those three people (this person was a boyfriend) however I have forgiven him for his actions, his life is a living hell, my life is (well should be) moving forwards, getting a good foundation for a hopefully successful life.

    I have depression with suicidal thoughts (although I am not currently actively suicidal, my thoughts are more surrounding self harm) and borderline personality with bipolar tenancies.

    I used to hear voices, I conquered that, I figured out the cause of why I heard voices, why they had started, thus I no longer needed them. I wish I could do that with my depression and mood swings.

    I've attempted suicide lord knows how many times, most recently waswhen my dog had to be put to sleep (how can people say its only an animal!!). And I've been a self-harmer for 7 years.

    I'm not on any medication for any of this, I was up until January 2009, then I had to see a different shrink as mine was of sick, this one said I did not need medication, even after seeing me in an obviously unstable state.

    I'm going to make an appointment to see a doctor hopefully for some point this week. I just needed to get all of this out, and I would really appreciate someone to reply, even if its just to say good luck in my doctors appt etc
  2. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    I will wish you good luck :) but also I think you are doing very well considering everything. You have good things and bad things in your life but whats important is you are actively trying to improve things. Just keep at it hun,its a hard road but it'll be worth it in the end :hug:
  3. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are a really strong person, stronger than you realise. But please don't be hard on yourself for still feeling like this. I had been in and out of hospital and been through therapy for a year and half and then I got accepted at uni last september. I was so cross with my self cause I thought that I should feel great with no more depression and suicidal tendencies - my family expected me to be perfect too. But its not possible, as much as we wish we could just click our fingers we know it wont happen. I spent my 1st year of uni have both ups and downs, I didnt manage the whole year without attempting but luckily it was less serverve as previous attempts. What I'm trying to get at is try to believe in yourself and your own strength - you have obviously shown enormous strenght to be where you are today and although we would all like to run from our past, it is always there - its how you deal with the here and now thats more important. Make sure that you have your supportive networks around you so you have somewhere to turn if things are difficult x CONGRATS on getting into uni, try to look forward to it and see it as a completely new start in doing something for you xx
  4. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    It took me a long time to understand depression. How could I possibly be sad for no reason. It's still hard to accept though. You've been through a lot. You have to be a strong person to go through all that and keep on pushing through.

    There are some bad doctors out there. How they stay in business I don't know. Good luck with the new one.

    Losing one of my cats recently almost sent me into another attempt. I'm definitely not one of those people that would say it's just an animal.
  5. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    I happen to also be Depressed for really not current reason.Except some very small thing...

    And after reading your post....I was a little upset and angry I clicked on it.Kindof killed my confidence and self esteem...scratched that last part I don't have any self esteem....

    I still have hope that I won't continue to be depressed at 17+ when I'm reaching those goals in life I want. My life is definatly over if I'm still depressed from when I was 10-14.
  6. byebyebeautiful

    byebyebeautiful Account Closed

    Hi, I said thank you in chat last night for your response, but thank you again. I know I am doing well, but that doesn't alliterate my depression.
    Just made my appointment (right this second lol) 9:30am tomorrow.

    It's good to know that I'm not the only person to have gone, or be going through these feelings, although I am sorry you had to go through it. I'm lucky with that my family don't expect me to suddenly be perfect, but I do, and I think thats the hard part, no one else has any expectations in me, aside from do my best. I'm putting all the pressure on myself and it doesn't help at all. But I cant stop doing it.

    I've no idea how doctors can call themselves doctors and say they are there to help when they obviously don't help? I'm sorry you lost your cat :( cats are my favorite animal, I know loosing my cat would send me over the edge, but I'm hoping she will live into her 20s!!

    I also hope you do not have to suffer depression throughout your teenage years. Sometimes its the smallest things that hurt more than the big things. I've no idea why though.

    Thank you everyone for your responses.

  7. byebyebeautiful

    byebyebeautiful Account Closed


    The depression, the dr said I can choose from one of two things, medication or counselling or of course both. I've got a follow up appointment for in 3 weeks to see what I have decided. The dr wants me to go out and just force myself to do the things I used to do, which I will do, I'm very hesitant to go on medication after the last time I was on meds, and the therapy waiting list can be 3-6 months long, which wouldn't be good as I'm moving away to university in under 10 weeks.

    For the time being I've got some anti-anxieties (benzodiazepines and beta-blockers) to control stress and insomnia in hopes that with less panic attacks and better sleep will help improve my moods. She agree's with Jeen that the depression is likely caused by the stress I was under in college and my body still needing that stress to function. The beta-blockers will hopefully lessen the tension in my body so I can relax some.

    So now I have to think what I want for the long term and what will work the best, as obviously I wont be able to be on betablockers and benzo's long term due to the addiction associated with them.

  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :hugtackles: congratulations on all your accomplishments. I wish I could say I accomplished half as much as you.

    I wish I could tell you why you are depressed, aside from something must still be missing in your life. :hug: after hearing all you have overcome I have no doubt you will overcome this.
  9. byebyebeautiful

    byebyebeautiful Account Closed

    thanks forgotten, wish some people (lost) would see that rather than think its a teenager seeking attention!!

    I know I can overcome this, just wish I knew why I felt this way. :( :(
  10. Pow

    Pow Well-Known Member

    Well depression can form without a reason.
    But considering the things you've put up with I see you as a strong and determined person and I admire you for that.
    I hope you overcome the depression and all the best in life.
  11. byebyebeautiful

    byebyebeautiful Account Closed

    thanks pow, I know depression can form without a reason, but ugh I dont want to be depressed when I go to uni blahh :(
  12. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I have my own beliefs on everything than most people. I don't believe in luck, but I will pray that you find the hope that you need. Congrats on the voice in your head thing, and school! Blessings..
  13. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi Over,

    Im am sorry youve had a rough time of it. But your Dr's appt went well. Thats GREAT! depression can come from so many sources its not always easy to know why. But you have acted wisely getting help and you are a very strong and bright person. I am praying things get better and hope you do too. We all offer you love and support and our best!!!!

    Write me if you like,

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