Hi everyone, I've been away for a short while due to intensive scholastic commitments, but now I have some free time to post again. So, to recap my story so far, I've been battling depression for at least a decade (I'm currently 22) but my depression//suicidal thoughts have usually been quite 'swingy' i.e. one day I'm fine, and a couple days later I suddenly want to die and seriously have trouble finding the will//motivation to get out of bed in the morning.... This is seriously affecting my life, and I've even missed some of my classes due to 'temporary' bouts of severe depression. Damn, that sounds like such a sad excuse doesn't it??? I hate myself when I start screwing up in life..... Right now my depression is moderately in check; at least I'm able to function fine. But why the hell do I have to keep swinging between ups (i.e. life is alright but not great or anything) and downs (i.e. I'm a worthless, pathetic excuse for a human being and I wish I'd never been born)??? Maybe I just wasn't meant to be happy, I don't know...... At least talking about it seems to help. Unfortunately, a couple weeks back I had a particularly bad 'episode' but don't be concerned as I'm definitely doing better now, or at least I am at this particular moment. But I'm honestly concerned for my safety if this ever happens again; I had felt so overwhelmed with despair//suicidal urges that I wasn't sure what I was going to do.... Thankfully I didn't make any attempts, but for awhile there I certainly wanted to. So, on the advice of some other forum members (I think Scum initially suggested this) I intend on making a 'crisis plan' so that, in case I get overwhelmed, I'll have already planned out in advance some coping strategies, because we all know how hard it is to think about things when your emotions are all haywire..... One thing I am trying hard to improve is my self-esteem; I'm focusing on cutting back on the self-negativity (i.e. I'm not constantly thinking to myself "I'm worthless") and believe me, it isn't easy! But I think I'm making some progress; I don't feel as bad about myself as I have in the past. Which is good.