Depression sucks....

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Justsolost, Mar 25, 2010.

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  1. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone, I've been away for a short while due to intensive scholastic commitments, but now I have some free time to post again.

    So, to recap my story so far, I've been battling depression for at least a decade (I'm currently 22) but my depression//suicidal thoughts have usually been quite 'swingy' i.e. one day I'm fine, and a couple days later I suddenly want to die and seriously have trouble finding the will//motivation to get out of bed in the morning.... This is seriously affecting my life, and I've even missed some of my classes due to 'temporary' bouts of severe depression. Damn, that sounds like such a sad excuse doesn't it??? I hate myself when I start screwing up in life.....

    Right now my depression is moderately in check; at least I'm able to function fine. But why the hell do I have to keep swinging between ups (i.e. life is alright but not great or anything) and downs (i.e. I'm a worthless, pathetic excuse for a human being and I wish I'd never been born)??? Maybe I just wasn't meant to be happy, I don't know...... At least talking about it seems to help.

    Unfortunately, a couple weeks back I had a particularly bad 'episode' but don't be concerned as I'm definitely doing better now, or at least I am at this particular moment. But I'm honestly concerned for my safety if this ever happens again; I had felt so overwhelmed with despair//suicidal urges that I wasn't sure what I was going to do.... Thankfully I didn't make any attempts, but for awhile there I certainly wanted to. So, on the advice of some other forum members (I think Scum initially suggested this) I intend on making a 'crisis plan' so that, in case I get overwhelmed, I'll have already planned out in advance some coping strategies, because we all know how hard it is to think about things when your emotions are all haywire.....

    One thing I am trying hard to improve is my self-esteem; I'm focusing on cutting back on the self-negativity (i.e. I'm not constantly thinking to myself "I'm worthless") and believe me, it isn't easy! But I think I'm making some progress; I don't feel as bad about myself as I have in the past. Which is good.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2010
  2. Mat Voleido

    Mat Voleido Well-Known Member

    It's good to hear you're making some improvements! Doesn't matter if they're small or not. Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward!

    Bad analogy, I know. But I used to feel the same way. I missed about a month EACH semester since Gr 10 because of my issues. But they don't always last. I'm a huge proponent of physical activity as a coping mechanism. It works out pretty fantastic. It helped me get off of some self-harm issues. Instead of wiping up blood, I found myself at the top of a hill, on a bike, after a school day and it was warm and the sun was shining on my (thankfully) fading scars. I took a deep breath, plugged in my music, and rode down the hill.

    Small moments like that can really help you in the long run. Getting out there, doing something, it reminds you that you're not trapped where you are. You can move and get out and do things.

    The highs and lows are hard to deal with. They'll always be there. It's just reducing the period of the lows, the frequency, and the fluctuation of up and down. If you have the right mindset, it can be easy. Thinking patterns affect us more than we think. If you can take a few negative self thoughts, and just think of one positive outcome instead, it could help you. The little things add up. A house is made up of many small bricks. Another bad analogy but it kind of fits. A strong wall isn't just made. You have to build it peice by peice.

    It's good to have a plan for a crisis. Even a number on your wall or a magnet on your fridge, just so you can have someone help you be accountable in dark times! :smile:

    I wish you the best & I'm here if you need to talk :smile:
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