Depression & suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dreamer uk, Jan 28, 2008.

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  1. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone

    I've been reading this site for several hours and I thought I would post up some information about my situation and how I'm feeling.

    Today I went to see the doctor and told her I am at high risk of suicide. I've only ever been to the doctors about 5 times in my whole life that I'm aware of so it felt a bit strange.

    I'm not sure what I wanted out of the meeting, just some help I suppose but in retrospect I think the only person that can help me is myself.

    I think I've suffered from manic depression since I was about 13. I've always been described as a very nervous type of person, I've never suffered from any bullying or anything like that, I think it is just the way I am.

    The doctor asked me if I have ever self-harmed or attempted suicide, to which I answered no which was the truth.

    I have come close to an attempt on a couple of occasions when I was 15 years old. I think I was basically going through a bit of a nervous breakdown and my mind was imbalanced.

    Once, I had an argument with my Dad about something (can't remember what now) but I just felt like running away. I jumped out of the upstairs window, climbed over the fence, and ran. By the time I stopped running I was about 5 miles away. I was very depressed and psychologically unstable, I had a knife in my pocket and for a while I held it up against my throat and thought about slitting my own throat or stabbing myself in the chest. I couldn't go through with it, and went for another run (can't remember where I was going). Anway, the police saw me running and thought I had comitted a crime so they pulled me over and searched me. The female officer confiscated my knife and offered me a lift home but I said I'd make my own way.

    The second time, still at about 15 years of age, and in complete despair and emotional upset, I decided to jump from the roof of a block of flats. I caught the lift to the top, but when I went to get to the roof there was a locked door. I went into a rage and kicked the door, my foot went through the door and got stuck. I pulled my foot back out and ended up smashing a hole in the middle of the door. My foot hurt for weeks and I was walking around with a limp. Anway, I climbed up onto the ledge but didn't have the nerve to carry the act through. I just sat there crying for most of the night.

    The doctor asked me this time how I would kill myself and I told her I was thinking <Mod Edit: do not mention specific methods please> but was now having doubts because it wasn't quick enough. I thought I'd found the perfect way to go with <Mod Edit: methods>, but then reading on the internet put me off that method. They used to <Mod Edit: methods> and I've been reading some of the reports. Apparently, the first person who was executed in that method was lip-readed as saying 'too slow'. I thought it was a peaceful way to go, but apparently not. You die <Mod Edit: methods> and if it is not humane enough for prisoners it isn't good enough for me.

    In January of last year I started getting myself anti-depressants off the internet. I was fine for a while, they were working well but it was just not me, not used to being happy. I eventually started getting them off the doctor but when I started to get a lot more suicidal thoughts about 6 weeks back I thought it was probably better that I stopped taking them as they might give me the convinction to carry the task through.

    Now I have hit too many brick walls and feel like I'm on the final stretch. Over the weekend I lost my car, because of that my job went as well. I don't have any money to live on, the bank won't borrow me anymore and now I'm gonna lose my house.

    I was close to having a chance for things to work out ok for me but I've messed that up now.

    I don't have many friends, I am used to spending my time alone. I live a very sad & lonely life.

    I'm going to keep going though, maybe go on the sick for depression and see if I can get a council house after I lose this one. I'm fed up of working, was still skint when I had a job. I might just get myself a dog, which is something I've always wanted but couldn't do when I was working and just stay at home eating cheap food that can sustain me and become even more of a hermit. Maybe I'll set up a chemistry laboratory in the spare room and try to make some anaesthetics to do the job properly. I might research heroin overdose next and see whether that seems peaceful.

    Anway, sorry to go on, I just thought if I'm reading on here then I should share a bit about how I've ended up here. The doctor said she would call me tomorrow to see if I'm ok and she has an appointment for me on Thursday with somebody who can get me some help, although I'm not sure what the point is, love & money would be a big help but I guess I'll have to make do with talking to a clinical psychologist. If I do get really bad I think I'll just go and get myself sectioned.

    Take care everyone, best wishes

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2008
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Glad that you went to the doctor and they listened to you. Please keep the thurs. appointment. Putting and taking yourself on and off the meds may be playing a role in how you have been feeling lately. Most meds you need to wean off and not go cold turkey. Discuss your meds as well and hopefully the docs can find the right one for you. Good luck.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hiya mark, well done on talking to the doc. that took guts! good luck at thursday's appointment.

    you may have some anxiety beforehand (well i know i sure did) so stay vigilant and if the urge to hurt yourself returns get yourself somewhere safe. help is on the way!

    me... i had 36 hours between seeing my GP and the referral and came completely unraveled... i had my brother in law take me to the psych ward so i could see a shrink straight away. they didn't admit me, but it kept me here another day.

    i'll be thinking of you and wishing you strength,

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2008
  4. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the wishes of luck, I think I need all I can muster.

    I know what you mean about the meds but I am over the brain zaps now, although I could have some residual effects from stopping the medication I think I'm over the worst now.

    I took my medicine regularly for about 12 months, and it was a big help to me, although it left me feeling emotionally flat. I was hesistant about staying on them long term and when my situation worsened and when I began spending a lot of time researching suicide I decided my suicide risk was probably lower off them.

    I will probably start taking them again at a later date when I'm not feeling so suicidal and I will take any of the doctors suggestions under advisement. I'll keep Thursday's appointment with the suicide counsellor.

    Thanks for taking the time to write, good luck with your situation as well, I hope things work out for you.

    Take care
  5. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    Thanks Catherine, hopefully I can get through this mess ok and land on my feet.

    I'll keep my appointment on Thursday and see what they say, I think I'm pretty much on this one on my own. Maybe some counselling of some sort will help me, and maybe I could consider going on some drugs if my situation deteriorates, or failing that I'll have to get myself admitted to a psych ward.

    I hope everything works out ok for you as well.

    Best wishes, take care

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