Depression turning to hatred

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by HopeForHumanity, Apr 26, 2015.

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  1. I've tried to kill myself twice now. The second time was more dramatic. I overdosed and drank alcohol, waking up and spending the rest of the day feeling like I had a stroke. By the time it had faded away, I realized that killing myself isn't an option. An evaluator at a mental hospital I temporarily visited said that I need to look in the mirror and like myself, or else this will not go away. I realized what he said was true, but by what means?

    I am not good looking, and I am in fact intimidating. I tend to overwhelm people for some reason, or have no ability to connect to them at all. I basically have no short term social skills. Basically, I have aspergers and I have learned to use induction/deduction for a lot of social situations. Generally, this means I have to spend a lot of time with someone to understand how to interact with them.

    I have absolutely no chance at learning to like myself, because liking yourself means you feel settled, but any NON RETARDED, RATIONAL, NORMAL HUMAN BEING, knows that you can not continue to live a disconnected lonely existence and feel settled.

    I've realized that everyone else around me is flawed and stupid. They play these little social games with each other, and feel comfortable because they just get it intuitively, but there is nothing moral about it. Just because somebody doesn't understand how their actions hurt people, does not prevent them from committing an immoral act; such would be an argument from ignorance.

    Fuck everyone else. You all deserve to be hated. I'd argue that because we keep treating perfectly functional adults like children, we are keeping them from properly maturing. Im 24 years old, and when I meet others my age, the insecurity is unreal. Its like everyone is a bunch of fucking teenagers still.

    I began to become friends with a girl a couple weeks ago, at least what I thought was friendship. But as soon as I asked her to do something unrelated to class, she never spoke to me again. This person just wanted to USE me, they wanted an easy way to pass the class. Thats how people see me.

    People see me like I am a machine, to be used. From now on, I will not feel guilty about the way people see me. No... Im going to exploit people, walk over them, and show them what a true force of nature I am. When people see my A's, and want to study like this one girl, I am going to tell them to fuck off, and that they are an idiot. I'll fuck over people in my labs to finish first, because I know how to finish faster than them, and just take the equipment. No more bullshit.

    You have treated me like I am different, so I am going to behave like I am different, and instead treat everyone else like animals.

    I am done with suicide attempts.
     
  2. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Hey,

    I should say somethin like : don't be angry.
    But I would say ... first you actually have to let it all out.

    Sometimes we are just like this, angry, hurt with unfairness, drown in hurt ...
    But I also think it's some kind of despair.
    If you can find it a strengh to stand up and realise you have qualities you can like this can be helpfull in some (maybe twisted but whatever he~~) way.

    At least see that some people are really not as perfect as they want them to see ... but most of them are just trying to fit in. That's just the way they do. They might just struggling as much as you d and finding themselves excuse to say that what they do are wrong ... but hiding behind lies they know are actual lies.


    Then I would say that I can understand in some way that you feel disapointed (and even more than that) but you will then have to be able to read again through that anger and see when you, also used excuse because you were looking a way to do something you know isn't right but seems (and might be) easier.
    Though I think somehow when we're able to live with compassion it's super easy ... but it's hard to have that compassion.

    I really suck at relation-ship with human being. Either to shy or to honest it's usually what I am told or what I feel.
    So I have to try to trust eople but not hurt them when it's pointless ...

    You will find your way without any hatred anymore. Because. I think you're clever and the words you wrote you knew what they are and you know hatred isn't an answer and isn't even possible. Because, one day, someone nice will find you and it'll might take time but you won't be able to run away.

    Take care ... meanwhile if you feel angry you can just talk here anytime you need to.
     
  3. ScarlettHurts1990

    ScarlettHurts1990 Active Member

    I understand your hatred. As a teenager, I found myself despising everybody around me because I felt so different from them. I felt that I was superior and that they were all morons. But as I grew up, i realized this view was very self-absorbed- if anything, I was the foolish one. I relate to your feeling misunderstood by others. You are obviously highly intelligent and no wonder people want to use your brains for their personal gain. I don't blame you for being angry- hell, I would too! And anger is definitely better than suicide attempts. It's the hatred that I worry about. Hate is only going to pollute you because that's something internally within you, not them. I don't think it's going to help you feel better and it definitely won't earn you any friends. Even though you're upset with people- and reasonably so- people aren't all bad. There are some really good people in the world out there who I am sure would be lucky to have such a smart, considerate person like you. You have to remain somewhat open to find them and let them into your life but as for the people who used you- yes, fuck them! You deserve better.
     
  4. Im not very attractive, im just smart. I just got rejected today, and my point keeps getting fulfilled at ever turn. I've asked people I know and that experience me on a regular basis (like my few friends) and they say I seem fine to them. The only thing I can conclude is im not very attractive, but smart, so women are inclined to use me as a means rather than see me as a partner. If that is objectively so, I have every right to be mad, and I guess I will just have to live out my existence in this way. The only thing im worried about is hurting someone else physically in my coping strategy. I mean, my counselor is dumbfounded, and I cant find an alternative option. What kind of straight male can feel good about himself when women decide to use him to pass classes yet find him ugly in some fashion (whether ugly or personality)? I cant just change that, it was how I was born. Maybe some people were ment to live out their existence filled with hate and domination, immorally, yet for their own sake...
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I wonder how long this has been your coping method for and if you just decided to embrace it. For such a new found decision you seem to be at ease with it. The idea of treating all bad because you dislike the way you perceive some have treated you? And the belief that helping a girl study means she owes you affection and adoration (or is it just physical comfort that would be the adequate compensation?) for helping somebody study? Your belief that somebody used you because in return for something they were not automatically your best friend or soul mate is somewhat at odds with what many would consider "doing something for somebody else". If every time one does something for somebody else they believe they are therefore "owed" something in return, that is in fact the immoral social contract. That would imply the only reason they are doing something is they want something in return, and people that come across that way I would tend to agree have a lonely existence.

    The fact is I know nothing about you as a person except a few posts here, so I am not judging you nor am I in any position to. Of those posts, several have mentioned your belief of little or no hope for humanity because you believe humans are inherently bad. I am sorry you feel that way, but would point out most often people see in others what they feel about themselves. Disliking yourself equates to dislike of other people, nothing new or earthshaking. A conscious choice to treat others like crap- that will in fact ensure a future of being treated the same by most and I do not see how any NON RETARDED, RATIONAL, NORMAL HUMAN BEING would choose that willingly so I might suggest a more considered approach to life and interactions with others if it is your desire to stop being lonely.
     
  6. I dont believe she owes me anything. I just believe she doesn't have a right to completely ignore me out of the blue right when I ask what was lectured because I got sick!

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    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2015
  7. Ok, ask yourself this question:

    If you could choose between suicidal from loneliness related issues OR being perfectly fine by an asshole who stepped over other people to gain power (but be fulfilled in an immoral way) what would you choose? Thats how it feels right now. I have thought its ok to kill myself because that is the option, but im changing my opinion, and hoping I can go in the other direction without becoming absolute like my hypothesis. I think its completely fair, but if there is a third way that says I can balance myself without any of this, I would take it. I can not find it, my therapist can not find it, my psychiatrist can not find it, and my random events can not find it. That is the life I am faced with.
     
  8. Gave up by moderating before even responding. In philosophy class, we call this defeat. So i guess that is a sad truth I have to deal with. The funny part is, I have helped other chat rooms who have had problems easier than mine, because I know its the right thing to do. I guess you are just going to assume that because I dont actively help people on this particular forum that I do not help anyone else at all too? Anyway else you can discriminate against me based on an assumption?
     
  9. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I do not believe that most people feel better by stepping on other people for personal gain. That type of action would result in fulfillment or happiness only by a sociopath or psychopath and since you admit to feeling hurt emotionally by the way you are treated I do not believe you are either so it is very unlikely acting like that will result in fulfillment or happiness. You should not and do not deserve to be treated badly or used by others, but willingly choosing to treat others the same will not make that happen less or make you feel better , in my opinion. While I am unsure what the answer is for you, I do not believe that is the correct approach for anybody. It will not make you less lonely, so I do not see how it is solving the problem if lonliness is the issue making you suicidal.
     
  10. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    No , I moderated a post that does not meet guidelines, wrote you a private message, and then responded here. Nobody questioned your willingness or ability on here or any other forum. I questioned what was included in the post I responded to while admitting I have no knowledge of you more than a couple posts here. If you wish to continue this as a private conversation I suggest by PM or in chat however so as not to get off topic of your original post.
     
  11. Stepping on people for personal gain does not guarantee they are hurt. People who are NOT sociopaths step on each other all the time. Its only the people who do so because they view others as means themselves that make them sociopaths. I do not view people as means by default, but instead view stepping on people as getting even with how people have treated me. Girls are attracted by agressors all the time. Stating otherwise is rejecting reality. Maybe you dont like me, and thats all you are trying to articulate, but my argument is sound as long as there isn't a third solution. Im really tired of having to go through this every time. Eventually they admit my case is really messed up after they get over not liking me, but dont have a third solution. Im on here because im looking for a third solution...
     
  12. pointless4

    pointless4 New Member

    good for you mate, I know what you mean being used and feeling like a machine it happened to me also as if I'm a dogs body at work where everyone tells me to do jobs that they should do, even if I feel worthless I know using someone is a crap so I walked out, I don't know why but it seems that everyone needs to one up on each other but yea people I my life still act childish but why the fuck don't they just grow up.
     
  13. davidIce

    davidIce Member

    I am also Asperger's so understand exactly the bitterness you feel. Sadly the isolation we feel will simply not be understood by the neurotypicals (non Autistic people). They might have seen shy people fail to make friends but have no idea of how bad it makes you feel to spend a lifetime trying to socialize and be nice to other people, yet for no apparent reason we end up feeling totally rejected and on our own. Sorry I am feeling to upset at the moment to be able to write any more.
     
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