I am not depressed, my thoughts of 'it' stem from life circumstances. My life has this horrible pattern of falling apart every five or six years; after I've lost everything, starved, and worked myself to the bone to rebuild. I went homeless after college (three unhelpful degrees) because I couldn't find a decent job(s). Then lost my home and everything else again after 9/11 when my company closed and (again) couldn't find enough work, even resulting in bankruptcy. I didn't complain then because I knew others had it worse. I finally reached a stable, even secure, life again but then the rug started being pulled out from under me several months ago. Now am days away from living in my SUV (that I'll lose too) with my dogs and some clothes. Am off work until I get packed and out of this house but I have no place to go, then cannot leave my dogs in a hot car while I go to work everyday. Am terrififed. I don't want people telling me "things will get better" or a pill to numb the reality that is damaging me, these things I need to deal with having a clear mind. Everyone says that I should "shovel the sh*t" and "make it work," but they cannot even explain what they mean by that. Even worse are the people that say there is no reason why I let myself be so vulnerable to other people's actions, that I should have six months of living expenses in the bank for emergency... yeah, like that's always possible. There's never been someone to help me up when I needed it, not even just a shoulder to lean on... I am okay with that, being independent and responsible is expected in life. I also don't whine or wrongly blame others for things that hurt me but... c'mon, enough is enough. It's not like an unfortunate tragedy (ie. fire) is costing me my home and valued possessions, that it took me years to have again... it's the actions of someone else. I know my life is not based on possessions but this is cruel, right now I have no resources to save anything. If I go to a cheap motel or a shelter I'll surely lose my dogs, there is nobody to help me with them, and anything happening to them... I'd die immediately from sadness, probably even being without them, the only family I've really had. I work hard and don't ask for much, am great at problem-solving but am really struggling to find a way to limit my how much I lose now, another five plus years to rebuild. Even if so, the "pattern" tells me that I'll probably lose it all again then. I cannot live in fear, be prepared for anything that goes wrong. Is a little bit of earned stability too much to want out of life!!! My apologies for dwelling, venting, thinking out loud even. I suppose my options are clear... either go through with the 'it' plans, or face the immediate horrors of a grueling rebuild process again.