Depression vs Circumstances

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KyleKW, Jun 5, 2007.

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  1. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    I am not depressed, my thoughts of 'it' stem from life circumstances. My life has this horrible pattern of falling apart every five or six years; after I've lost everything, starved, and worked myself to the bone to rebuild. I went homeless after college (three unhelpful degrees) because I couldn't find a decent job(s). Then lost my home and everything else again after 9/11 when my company closed and (again) couldn't find enough work, even resulting in bankruptcy. I didn't complain then because I knew others had it worse. I finally reached a stable, even secure, life again but then the rug started being pulled out from under me several months ago. Now am days away from living in my SUV (that I'll lose too) with my dogs and some clothes. Am off work until I get packed and out of this house but I have no place to go, then cannot leave my dogs in a hot car while I go to work everyday. Am terrififed.

    I don't want people telling me "things will get better" or a pill to numb the reality that is damaging me, these things I need to deal with having a clear mind. Everyone says that I should "shovel the sh*t" and "make it work," but they cannot even explain what they mean by that. Even worse are the people that say there is no reason why I let myself be so vulnerable to other people's actions, that I should have six months of living expenses in the bank for emergency... yeah, like that's always possible.

    There's never been someone to help me up when I needed it, not even just a shoulder to lean on... I am okay with that, being independent and responsible is expected in life. I also don't whine or wrongly blame others for things that hurt me but... c'mon, enough is enough.

    It's not like an unfortunate tragedy (ie. fire) is costing me my home and valued possessions, that it took me years to have again... it's the actions of someone else. I know my life is not based on possessions but this is cruel, right now I have no resources to save anything. If I go to a cheap motel or a shelter I'll surely lose my dogs, there is nobody to help me with them, and anything happening to them... I'd die immediately from sadness, probably even being without them, the only family I've really had.

    I work hard and don't ask for much, am great at problem-solving but am really struggling to find a way to limit my how much I lose now, another five plus years to rebuild. Even if so, the "pattern" tells me that I'll probably lose it all again then. I cannot live in fear, be prepared for anything that goes wrong. Is a little bit of earned stability too much to want out of life!!!

    My apologies for dwelling, venting, thinking out loud even. I suppose my options are clear... either go through with the 'it' plans, or face the immediate horrors of a grueling rebuild process again.
  2. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Nobody has touched me with a sincerely gentle and caring purpose since I was a child... not a hug, kiss, or even a look from someone with truly good, real feelings... not family, friend, or special someone that doesn't come back to haunt me later. The last time was a kiss on the forehead from my grandmother, maybe thirty years ago. Am not religious but I like to think that, if I choose to 'go' on Sunday night, that there is another kiss waiting for me.

    Again, am not depressed... just very beaten down by life and wanting some peace. The irrational side of me says that I'd be stupid for sticking around, the rational side says I deserve (to be selfish and) to go.
  3. sadsong

    sadsong Staff Alumni

    Hi, welcome to the forum.

    I'm sorry you're really struggling at the moment. I know how hard it can be when money is at an all time low. Is there anybody you can talk to who could help you sort out the money, in UK we have the citizens advice bureau, is there an equivalent in the US (i'm guess your in US becuase of the SUV!).

    I really hope that something can get sorted for you and that you don't have to lose your dogs, it's amazing the relationship and bonds that can be formed with animals.

    You've got a shoulder to lean on here, please stay and find the support you need.
  4. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member

    I wish I knew what to say. I'm pretty new at this depression/suicide thing myself. Sounds like you love your dogs alot, and I'll bet they love you, too. Animals are a lot more perceptive than we give them credit for. I'm sure they would miss you if you left. I'm here to listen anytime you need a kind ear.
  5. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Yes, am in the US, lucky to live in an area that most people hope to go on vacation even.

    Just spoke to a 'victims advocate' on the phone for like two hours. She was very nice, felt good to talk, but it sounded like she could only lend support if I want to file a restraining order or speak to the police again, probably not with finding any sort of a home (other than a shelter) for me and the dogs. After previous troubles I never underestimated how life can quickly turn negative, but this new situation was definitely un-imaginable.

    I've made the decision, what this forum is about, for late Sunday night. Until then I should give 'luck' a fair chance to happen for me, maybe someone will enter the picture that puts me on my feet again... am trying but unable to do it myself.

    To me it just seems so matter-of-fact... if I go, then I go... am really calm and okay about it. Knowing me I'll probably act very 'normal' like nothing is about to happen, leave the house as if am running an errand, then I am gone. I follow through with almost everything I plan to, even if going through the motions somewhat blindly. For me right now it feels like the first day of school is coming... am not excited but not sad, just sorta a realization that it's going to come regardless of how I feel about it.
  6. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Okay, so maybe I am depressed... regardless of why or how quickly this has happened with me. I have such a strong feeling that my body is beginning to shut down, that my 'plan' is now my fate... out of my control. I won't be here on Monday morning, I've never not seen a future for myself, this really is going to happen huh.

    I've reached out to family, friends, even strangers... am on my own. If I even hint at how I feel then my next home will be a padded cell and drugs to keep me like a zombie.

    I just looked in the mirror... where the hell did I go. The tan, toned athlete with a cute face wasn't there... it's only been a few horror days and I am noticeably very different. I use to joke that my 'guardian angel' abandoned me when I was a small child, but now I need him more than ever... I am fading really quick... sitting here like time has stood still since I got hit at 1am last Saturday night... what do I do, please!!!
  7. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Am new to this site, not sure why I joined because my decision was/is pretty much made, but... I am still here for now. My life has taken a 'nose dive' and, let's face it, those are usually pretty fatal.

    Just created an avatar, didn't know that term until yesterday, and a signature so I suppose that means something good.

    Even if I somehow pull through this horrible time... Am really unsure that I could ever have anything close to the life I've always wanted, or even one that I could enjoy a little bit. As much as I love them, cannot base my continued existance on my dogs.

    Am at around 3 days and 9 hours... it'll be early Sunday morning about 3am... I visited the spot twice today, pretty confident my plan will work, more or less okay about the location too.

    I've experienced happiness, albeit too little and far apart. Two months ago (today) I moved to a new area, was committing to a new special person, with the past behind me I could concentrate on a bright future. That lasted less than a week. I wasn't single for seven years to make such a mistake. Am not perfect but I know that I put in 95%, him maybe the other 5%. It just shouldn't have been like this... me dismissed so casually, like I never meant anything to begin with... an 'acceptable loss' or casualty of life to basically everyone close to me. If you knew and saw me I bet you wouldn't understand why, doesn't make sense to me at all.
  8. DownwardSpiral

    DownwardSpiral Well-Known Member

    My circumstances are very similar to yours. I have a wonderful partner of over 10 years, a good job, financially stable, no debt other than a mortgage and car payment.

    However, I am depressed and have constant thoughts of suicide. I have been feeling like this since I was 17. I was hospitalized the day I had planned to end my life. I have tried a few times since then but no single try was very well thought out.

    I go through high and low points in my daily existence. I am traveling this week and thought this would be a good opportunity to wrap my belt around my neck to cut off oxygen after cutting my wrists open. I even went to the store to pick out the blades but ended up not buying them. I know the chances of that method are not likely to work but I still wanted to do it. I now have a way to do it but not the means (gun).

    I thought about our dog and my partner. He travels and would not be able to take care of our dog while he is traveling. My dog would end up suffering.

    For now, I will take it one day at a time. I hope you do as well. Please PM or IM me and we can go through this rough time together. :hug:
  9. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    I rarely use bad language but...
    sh*t f*ck sh*t f*ck

    The pain of it all is on the surface of me right now... it's damn near unbearable... can I please just go to sleep, finally, some real peace... I don't even care if I wake up... if life is a test than I failed, okay, am fine with that but I really need to feel better or hurry up my plan for this weekend.

    Tomorrow I wanted to go to work but I really don't think that I'll be able to... am already losing a grip on the most basic of things... even those that might help me... I am already a goner, aren't I.

    I just told a friend via IM that I couldn't get through this, am in so much pain, not alone... she replied with "that sucks." How loud do I have to scream before someone finally hears me... or do they now and just don't care.
  10. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    wow i totally heard everything you had to say and buddy i've been there myself. only thing was i had to do it with two children and a dog. i had an incident where my parents yanked the rug out from under us on one of their rental homes and we already gave notice where we were at so we couldn't stay there. my ex (then husband) just came back from california so he was unemployed. we literally spent the next year going from place to place to place. we moved in all ten times that year. all of us. we ended up staying in a motel (that did take our dog, and he was a big one) for 15 months. imagine two kids, two adults and a dog in a motel room. i never thought we'd get out there. seriously. then one day someone shared with us they knew of a mobile home up for sale. now we couldn't afford anything really. oh i had saved a few dollars, and as it turned out the trailer was for sale for 200$. believe me it wasn't much but i believed it gave us a chance to start over til we could get things together again. within the first year there my husband and i divorced. i had custody of the kids and of course he wasn't paying his child support and i was working three jobs to try to make it. the harder i tried the worse things got.

    eventually the day came when i could take no more and i ended up in the hospital. it was a county one not a state. anyways, i shared with them my delima. for the four yrs i was there and built up my furniture again and that sort of thing was going straight down the drain. i was in the hospital and being evicted. so i lost all my stouf except that which could go in boxes. a friend held on to that stouf. and unfortunately i even lost some of my stouf at his house cause the people that were coming to his house stole some of my stouf.

    here is what i want to get to the most. when i was in the county hospital they offered to do what they could to help me get relocated back to denver cause i was in the country before. so my ex took the kids while i was in there and i gradually made progress up to trying to get my own place. as destiny would have it i was unfortunately raped and became pregnant as a result. but this all turned out good. the lady of the adoption agency i went through knew of some housing up here where my kids were and that would give me the chance i needed to start all over. it's been two yrs now and i'm still rebuilding and it is so draining to say the least.

    i cannot even begin to tell you how many times i have had to go through this sort of thing myself, the rebuilding process. but i am beginning to think that maybe this time could be different. the mental health center in this county would do the same sort of thing to help. in fact they helped me get a subsidy so my rent would be more bareable.

    i would really encourage you to look into your county mental health center. i know you have your dogs but i also know there are ways to work with that. please no matter what you please please i beg u don't give up. this time could just be different.

    please take care and certainly please feel free to pm anytime. hang in there
  11. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    Dear Kyle,
    Knowing your situation now & then & the fear of what the future holds,I feel compelled to let you know how I am coping with my own struggles everyday just like yours. Here is where we & many people here in this forum might /can reflect on our circumstances. Something all of us have something in common & connected to each other. Since I come from three descendents of ancestors ,I do not consider myself one of those/nor as an American that allowed me to carry a US passport.What is my point? That I am alone in this country &no one or nothing can satisfy my rage ,anger,deprivation, humiliation, fear,rejection & anything & everything both material & emotional that threatens my being along with this is the roof over my head.I was homeless too not due to someone else's but my own circumstance.I am very sick & Drs described my illness terminal which I hate to admit. I have a roof over my head but this does not help me feeling whole or eliminate all the inequities I felt inside.I am a minimalist in nature, I only need the basic necssities in life. I truly can say that if they lock me up in prison it won't bother me a bit, I am so used to being lock up by my own choosing.The best lesson that I learned in all my struggles since I become a mother ,what sustains to fuel my endurance to this point is my convictions. I lost every thing that said all what I had superficiality including people '' friends". The focal point that my existence revolves was also taken away from me by the justice system whom I took refuge when I was struck with maltreatment.I have all what I thought what I needed then is money to get the justice I deserve & no one works for nothing this culture teaches me.I worked 3 jobs just to maintain a lwayer so I can have my son back. In my fight for injustice that my son was deprived by his mothers nurturance I continue to fight until I was subdued to an exhaustion that time I lost all my material that of monetary value & my health spiralling downward. Then my parents both suffering from very seroius illnesses back then ,I was put in a position that I have to chose where I should put my time during this very difficult times of my parents, I cannot chose so what I did I travel half the world away for almost 7 times in the course of less than a year. Considering my health the flight is 30 hrs just flying alone ,just to be with both my son in his tender years & my parents in their last hours in their life. They are both a source of my strength as wel as my son. I managed to fulfill both until my parents passed away. To make a choice where I should put my time & resources at that circumstance in my life brutalized my psyche. I need to make this short, I lost my career that I & my family have earnestly earned. This place called United States get the fruit of abundance my family invested in me. I did not earned my degree here so all my education came from the tears & blood of my family. The humiliation I suffered in all my life here is inconsiderably immeasurable. From a very self sufficiency from my career, tennis, & travelling; in one turn of events all crazhed in front of me. Destitute. I was humiliated inside. And the events afflicted all my family & the people I loved the most.The ripple effects cannot be conatained.In all this time THE WHY I continue to endure the claws of mental abuse, the injustice & the humilation I suffered. What is fueling my existence? I am puzzled by it myself for a longest time in my life .The rage & the revenge I harbored from it is just enough for a daily dose to drain me never mind to tell you that it is also a struggle to distance my urge to an ultimate revenge. I have it all planned out , the only step is preventing from it ; is execution. My father always calm me down. We are raised in a farm & wilderness but due to violence my ffather uproot us & he became a mechanic. So during this very troubles when I started to feel this rage he would turn the conversation into why don't you work on your car. Maybe its time for the goddamn thing to change the oil. Check the oil. A father orders to her dauhgter who is an oral surgeon .Don't waste your time thingking unproductively. I tell you half the world away ,my father teached me how to change a radiator via the phone. His words are self reliance, do the things you can & not becoz you can pay someone you should excuse yourself from doing it. When I lost him ,the devastation is heightened enormously. Both my parents passed away deprived of meeting their only grandchild from me.This is another dose of humiliation to my family. This time I have to double my endurance not to only to fight the urge/feeling for revenge but to go against the current to execute the acts of it. The fulcrum of the seesaw is no longer there,my parents. During the last hours of father's harrowing pain from cancer, I was sitting next to him holding his hands & suddenly I felt the grip tighten & the words last that I heard from him ,promise me to keep your hands clean from injustice.And tell my grandson the same.A grip loosen up & he stare at me blankly.
    My father left me an indestructible tool against the worst enemy of humanity;the power of convictions.Self respect, Respect, Honor & Dignity.All these years I come to this country I have this photo on the wall ,18x22, of Nelson Mandela that I told myself I will only sacrifice my life for 27 yrs. I am a minimalist & have no desire to make my cubicle look "good".All my possessions reflects necessity of existence.

    My message to you Kyle, redeem those values in yourself & shelter them with convictions. Many newspapers old ones cut a picture of Mandela or anyone you have a deep connections with that you cannot describe why you are attracted to them & put it somewhere that will remind you of these values until this values is ingrained in every fabric of your body.

    You will not be afraid anymore. Who can imprison someone's mind?

  12. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Thanks, but I am not going to make it, any shred of hope that I had is about worn away now.
  13. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    kyle i am going to ask as i have been all along. please don't give up!!!! there is a way to get through this.
  14. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    "...there is a way to get through this."

    How!!! I don't expect people on this forum to have the answers, but I've exhausted myself trying to figure out something, anything at all to keep myself from going over the edge (literally).

    Life has just become so sad so quickly... a very blunt, cruel, change of circumstances in such a short time... and people would rather stand by, offer support from a distance, than actually do something to help.
  15. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i've shared alot with you but i'm going to share something more.

    many of us have been hurt alot and have held on to it for years. i do mean many many years and no one to talk to about it. or if they have had someone they've been too afraid to share. speaking only for myself i have been down that road. the answer does come. in may not be in our timing but it will come. sometimes we have to have a little faith.

    please hang in here and continue to talk to us.
  16. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I do know that my life (situations, whatever) are not unique to me, that others can relate or have had it far worse. Everyone has their strengths, breaking points, and so on.

    It's just that now, right now... I am on the verge of ending my life because of this mess of pain and loses... Am not reaching out to family, friends, etc because I am lazy or just want help... I am trying to get through, trying very hard, but my situation is desperate now.

    I really just want to have some quality time with my dogs, then do whatever it takes to get us out of this world for good.
  17. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    it is your choice to take your life. no one but u can stop this. it's hard to accept but i do. all i can do is continue to try to encourage you to hang on. maybe take a little step of faith that something helpful will come. i know u have no hope. i hear you when you share, but i just want to encourage you to try or try again. that's all i can do. i have offered to help you but i can do no more than that.

    please continue to hang in there. i can see it's almost impossible for u now, but i do believe in miracles. i am hoping for one soon for you. please keep talking if this helps. we'll continue to be here.
  18. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    Just got an offer to stay with a friend of mine BUT... She lives about 1200 miles away from where I do, has a very small apartment and two dogs of her own. I'd contribute of course to the household, but... Two people and four dogs in a one bed/bath 650sq foot apartment... Plus having to leave my two good jobs here and have to find new ones there, also leaving all my possessions behind. I know that I am not thinking very clear right now, but this doesn't seem to make sense... I don't know, right now I need some stability not moving to an area I've never even been to before.

    See... I am trying to hang in there, it's just all F'd up... I mean, the person that put me into this situation (not that I don't accept fault for letting it happen) in a couple days will just go back to life as normal pre-Kyle... city, home, work, etc. I know, I know... life isn't fair. But geez, I was so excited to land this great fun second job, that I haven't even started yet.

    Maybe this isn't a time where I should have ANY happiness, regardless, look at survival and nothing else... as unfair and upsetting as that may be.
  19. Freddy

    Freddy Guest

    Have you thought of giving your dogs to someone who is close to you. At least you know they are taken care of. I would do the same with my family's dogs as well.
  20. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    " your dogs to someone who is close..."

    Hell no... Without them I'd (insert method here). No way! They've kept me motivated and strong through some bad times, now are ALL that I've got to live for. I appreciate the idea but they're my only family.

    Besides, I don't trust "close" anymore. Family, friends, it's all just words... few people actually are there when you need them to be.
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