Depression vs. me, round 3. But I don't feel I want to fight this round...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DesertWolf, Feb 12, 2014.

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  1. DesertWolf

    DesertWolf Active Member

    My story in short:
    At the age of 18, I went to a university, and I moved from my parents to our capital city.
    At the age of 22, I had a serious depression, with a suicide attempt (I failed because of technical issues), I left the university 1 year before I could finish it. I moved back to my parents, and despite the fact that I failed everyone, after months of psychiatric treatment, I felt OK. This lasted for half a year.
    At the age 23, depression was back (with another suicide attempt), now I was treated for about a year. During that time, I had to speak a lot about my feelings (although I didn't have much), and after a year, I was so annoyed that I said "ok, I'll live my life, just live me alone!". I pulled myself together, and I found a job in my hometown. Half a year later, I moved back to the capital city. I was quite well for 2 years. (That was the time I found this forum, I got some help from here too, thanks guys!)

    Now I'm 26, and I again feel that depression is knocking on my door. Risky, irresponsible sexual behavior, that was always a precursor for depression for me, and now I have this emptiness feeling, lack of purpose, and I have serious suicidal thoughts. The matter is, I cannot sustain myself any longer (neither financially, nor emotionally), so I have two choices: 1. <mod edit- methods>, or 2. I could move back to my parents. Again. And admit again that I failed everyone, and I'm not able to live a self-supporting life for long-term. My parents are so annoyingly protective, that they would help me. But what for? To live 1-2 years again before the next round? I feel that depression cannot be cured permanently, only temporarily, doctors can only push the time of death a little more. And I don't want to do it again and again and again while I'm wasting my whole life to try living, when I cannot, because I don't fit into this world. Problem is, doctors, parents, friends, the whole society is afraid of death so much, that they want to evade it anytime at any cost. I think nature (or God, whatever you prefer) gave humans the ability to commit suicide with a reason.

    Any thoughts? Do you think depression can be permanently cured? Or will it occur again and again, and we are just forced to live (or rather not live, just exist) through our whole life?
    Because if that's the case, there's no point in continuing. Even if it's not the case, I'm not sure if I could stand before my parents saying "Hi, here is your son, failing again everyone." But then at least it's worth to think about that option.
     
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  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There are undoubtedly people that will always be more susceptible to depression than others, but in your case you know it is a temporary state and really you know if you stayed under treatment you could likely keep it controlled. You have 2 previous times where you stopped treatment and it came back so saying it will never be controlled- maybe without treatment it never will be but with treatment you seem to do well. It is no different then people with high blood pressure or diabetes, so long as they monitor or treat it it is little concern often, when they get bored of doing that it becomes a very big issue.

    Right now, get treatment and do like we all do - whatever you have to to get by until you are in a better place mentally and getting treatment, but this time consider maintaining a therapeutic level of treatment through therapy or meds or whatever worked for you before even after you "feel better" to avoid another deep fall.....
     
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