depression worsened

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by kayte23, Mar 31, 2011.

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  1. kayte23

    kayte23 Member

    So basically, I think I've been depressed for nearly four years. And I've had a big problem sleeping for the past few years... mostly I'm unable to fall asleep I don't get tired til dawn, and then I sleep in very late (i'm up to the point where i miss 2/3 of my classes). I'm a freshman in college and finding it hard to keep up with my part-time job and schoolwork.
    Anyways, I took something to help myself work on a big paper tonight and pull a [productive] all-nighter...
    *see, I'm a huge procrastinator, never study, and barely have the motivation to ever do schoolwork. i took it once before- inspired after a friend told me how much it helps. and it worked- i studied for 7 hours solid, without checking facebook or my cell phone.

    But this time it made me so depressed. I'm normally depressed anyways (which i chalk up to being melodramatic), and sometimes have huge crying spells. But I haven't had one for a while and I went down to a whole new level... Driving home I sought out a deserted area, jumped across a small ditch to the railroad tracks where I walked along them and thought about what it would be like to get hit by a train... and then at home while taking a shower i choked myself a bit. then in my room i cried for an hour in the fetal position before using a scarf to cut off blood flow to my brain (while watching myself in the mirror... then just crying in front of the mirror & on the floor for a bit).
    now, just to say, none of these were meant to take my life. i just wanted to see what it felt like.

    in high school i was insecure because of my looks...although when i got into the right 'mood' where no one else in the world mattered- then i didn't care about my looks because i felt like a narcissist. but i thought that if i changed this one aspect of me- then i'd be more outgoing, get more friends, and be happy. i changed it, but it didn't change me. it just took away the thing I blamed and made me realize the problem wasn't superficial.

    but i called a hotline just now... and the person suggested distracting myself (albeit with something entertaining). but i didn't tell her the whole story.
    and some distant relatives on both sides of the family have had drug addiction problems... and my brother does several hard drugs regularly (mostly weekend nights). and there was one incident when i was 10-11 years old, when my 14-15 yr old cousin tried to get me to touch him and bribed me to let him touch me... and granted, i was also around the same age when i found some DVD's from my brother's "private collection".
    I might go to a school counselor tomorrow... i don't know... i've been afraid to go in the past but now i'm thinking i really need to seek out help. If only to talk to someone...
  2. majorlynch

    majorlynch Active Member

    Its always a good idea to talk to someone, especially a counselor who will keep your feelings and thoughts private.

    Remember not to berate yourself for what you're thinking, they're just thoughts, it doesn't make you a bad person if a thought pops into you head.

    There is alot of pressure on young people to be a certain way and act a certain way. But most of these pressures don't exist in adult life, so hang in there.

    So the best of luck with everything, and in a few years you'll look back on this, not with fondness, but with a confidence that it was a step you took and you accept it.
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    you are among friends here. we are all a big family. we need each other.
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