I have had depression many times before but i've almost always been able to pinpoint the triggers. This depression is so different. It hit me one day and I have no idea why. I guess that's why i'm freaking out so much. My anxiety is so high i'm physically shaking. I know I'm going through a lot right now with my brother having open heart surgery and my nieces husband having almost dying on the operating table. But this depression started before any of that and seems to be more severe than normal. These things haven't helped my depression I know. I've had many hospitalizations. I don't really want to go but i think that would be best for my safety because i'm slipping further and further down the hole of despair at a rapid pace. This night has been rough. I've tossed and turned because my mind was racing. My leg and back pain don't help matters either. My family doesn't support me going into the hospital. They want me to just snap out of it. I don't think that they understand that it's just not that easy. they say its not a good time for me to go in. I've tried explaining that I need this for me. I wish someone could make them understand. I'm tired of being the black sheep in the family. Everyone looks down on me because of my depression. Great here comes the tears again. This is getting so hard. My closest friends have noticed a change in me. They are very worried about me. I don't mean to worry them. I'm just trying to fight this on my own and its not working. At least they understand more because they've been through depression before. It makes me sad when they are worrying over me. I don't want to hurt them. That's it, I've come to a conclusion as I write this: I will be going in the hospital later today. I just can't do this on my own anymore. My meds aren't helping. My therapist recommends it as well as ECT. She doesn't recommend hospitalization unless she truly feels it necessary. I trust her so I'm going to follow her advice. I see my pdoc this afternoon. I'm going to see if she'll directly admit me (after all she is the one who wanted me to get ECT). If not I hope I have the strength and courage to go to the ER. It's so much harder going in through the ER because everyone looks down on you and treats you like a second-class citizen. To all those who have given your encouragement and advice. Thank you. I've truly taken it to heart. I'm trying not to give up even though that would be the easy way out. I hope those who are looking for support will find the encouragement, answers, and help they are looking for.