Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by threefourfive, Mar 15, 2013.

  1. threefourfive

    threefourfive New Member

    Hello everyone, this is my first post here. I'm trying to reach out and get every helpful resource. :star:
    Well, I feel like I should just say everything going on, and a bit about me.
    - I'm 23 years old, college graduate that hasn't found a job since graduating last year. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and depression and a phobia of driving, and I have agoraphobic tendencies but I've not been officially diagnosed. I also self harm. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism which are hormonal conditions that cause weight gain and depression.
    - I've been desperately searching for a job since before I graduated college. I had one at a fast food place, but after two weeks I had to quit because I kept having panic attacks and crying on the job and whenever I would come home. An abusive ex of mine kept coming into a part of the store and would occasionally stare at me, yet fortunately I never had to make food for him or anything... anyway, he sexually, physically, and verbally abused me, and is one of the major reasons for my PTSD, yet I had depression far before him. Anyway, back to the job thing.. I've been very desperate to find a job and because I do not have a license and am incapable of getting my license to drive, I am very limited. I'm only able to go to other towns after 5 pm, after noon on saturday, and available all sunday. No one will hire that. And I live in a very very small town and there is barely anything available here for work. I'm constantly told I am lazy and that I don't want to work and everyone is always pressuring me to get my license and a car. But really, I simply can't.
    - I feel very isolated. I isolate myself and there are outward forces that isolate me, like not having a job, not being in school anymore, not having any friends in the area, and not having money to spend. I find it very difficult to be in my town as I've been abused by exes and friends I used to have. I can't walk out my door without feeling a sense of panic. I only feel comfortable when I am out of my town, and I don't even feel safe in my own house. My brother is an alcoholic and constantly harasses me and it's hard to deal with, and he gets arrested frequently, and he has physically hurt me many times and has sexually harassed and touched me in my childhood(no one believes me and there is nothing I can do and there is no proof). My parents aren't of much help and pressure me really hard. They aren't understanding of me, and my relationship with my mother is really awful and we constantly fight. So basically, I just need a way out of this town and out of this house, but I have no way to leave.
    Today, I had to ignore an email asking me to set up an interview. I can't go because it is in another town and I have no way to go to an interview, let alone have a job there. I could not stop crying for three hours, I desperately want a job and to get out of here.
    - I have a five year old nephew that I have to watch a lot. I don't get paid to, but there really isn't anyone else that watches him, even if there are other people in the house. Because my brother, his father, is an alcoholic there is no possibility of getting him to watch him. And his mother is always at work, out with her boyfriend, or out partying and drinking herself. It's very stressful on me. No one else punishes him when he acts out, and if I ever try to punish him for something, I am told I am wrong, so they tell him he doesn't have to be in time-out. Yet, I'm the one that has to watch him?
    - In general I am, and have always been, a health-cautious person. I cook dinner every night, I eat organic fruits and vegetables and meat and eggs from farms and we only eat and make homemade bread. I exercise in my room for an hour and a half almost every day. But yet, I have a lot of health problems. A couple years ago I had to have my gallbladder out. Last summer I was in the hospital for two days with pancreatitis. And all my hormonal problems (as mentioned, PCOS and Hypothyroidism) are a pain to keep up with. I am overweight, and trust me, if I could drop the pounds I would. My weight has been a source to my depression and has always made me feel bad about myself, and I have always felt discriminated against and criticized, even by my own family and friends and people I used to date.
    - I have a boyfriend and I feel very awkward dropping all of my troubles all the time on him. We've been together almost three years, but we are now long distance and that really takes a toll on me. I want every time I am with him and talk to him to be positive and happy and that is not how it ever goes. He is always positive and cheery with me though, and we never fight and I am so thankful for that, and for the support he continuously gives me. He is the only person that I feel comfortable talking to about my problems and I wish it wasn't that way. I feel like I hurt him whenever I talk about my issues.
    - My money is running really low, what I earned from my college is diminishing rather fast and my college loan bills keep coming in and I can't stay on top of it. I pay for everything myself and soon I won't be able to.
    - I get told that I over-react and that I am "too emotional" and dramatic, whenever I have a panic attack or cry about things that are going on at home. I'm told by certain people that my problems are easily fixable and insignificant, they say "What are you talking about? I have it far worse than you". They suggest things to me uninvited and get angry if I don't follow through with the advice they gave me that I didn't ask for, things I have usually considered. For example, a career counselor, which I can't afford and would have no way to see. People will just ask me "how is the job search", "how is the situation at home going," and I tell the truth, and there is always some sort of backlash. No one cares all that much, and when they seem like they do, it is only to use the information against you or to gossip about it. I try to never complain, in fact, none of my friends know what is really going on, just family and distant family. But I feel like I can't talk to anyone because I constantly feel judged.
    - I've been cutting a lot, lately. And I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts. It's haunting me. I'm constantly alone in my room and have no way to deal with it. I can't afford to see a counselor or doctor. I can't afford to move out. I just feel I can't do anything.
  2. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Dear threefourfive, I am so sorry you have such a horrific build up for despair. Your circumstances are definitely hard - too hard most of the time I'm sure. Being in a small town also makes it harder (it always feels like everyone knows everyone else's business.)

    I'm not familiar with how it works but is there any chance for freelance work writing articles or blogs or something? Maybe something in your area of study at school? It might provide a means of income, a little sense of independence. Just a thought - I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. Thank you for sharing. ♥
  3. Noonetwothree

    Noonetwothree New Member

    You can try tutoring or babysitting, that might work.