Deserve this

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Nobodydifferent, Jan 8, 2016.

  1. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    for a large part of my life I planned to kill myself when I turned 30 but that changed because I had my son .. I turned 30 and oddly got sick and almost died .. But didn't .. Idk if that was fate in a good way or as a warning .. I feel like I've been dead ever since...

    But with that said I wrote sour finding a lump in my breast and they are doing surgery in a few weeks to remove it ..

    I was sure it was nothing . The sane part of my brain is stil sure it's nothing they will remove it and everything will be fine ..

    But the un sane part .. Has already decided I have full blown cancer .. Not for any other reason other then .. I deserve it .. For all this time I spent wanting to lull myself when perfectly good happy people end up with horrible diseases .. Or for the terrible things I've said like I wish I had cancer so I could just die and not be judged .. Disrespecting all that these people go through .. All because I selfishly want to die when so many are fighting to live

    And even with all that and knowing that in reality my lump is probably benign and what cancer would put my son through .. Deep deep down I still don't know what outcome would be best ..

    That's sick ...
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I am sorry that you have felt that you want to die, I am sorry because for one thing you have that Son, there are other reasons as well, It is a terrible way to feel in any case, I know, I have wanted it for longer then you have been alive, I am sorry that you have that lump as well, that is a scary thing.
    I have wished for other things, I have never wished for Cancer but if I found that I had it I would take no action. I have flat-lined and I was brought back. I saw nor felt anything, nothing remarkable that I can remember except feeling like I was in a deep dark hole and could hear people calling my name, I have since then got Do Not Resuscitate orders. I carry a card and have a bracelet as well.
    I don't know if you are aware, in here we do not and will not judge you, the world outside of here is harsh, we Know that in here, you yourself are making a judgement on yourself far harsher then I am sure most would wish upon you!. You have felt you deserve this end, can you or will you tell us why? I can not see that you have done anything to deserve that kind of punishment, I do not know your whole story, no matter what you have done will ever justify that type of punishment! I would not wish that on my worst enemy.. Would you keep posting in here and get some more feedback, your son certainly does not deserve to lose you for any reason, I lost my father and A Brother to Cancer. Please talk in here some more, I see that you have been here for a month talk some more in here and get more comments on how you feel, We are here to support and help You! I imagine too that you feel alone at this time, when you became part of this Forum you gained people that will work with and for you! Please don't go on feeling alone, in here you do not need to be or to feel alone we and I and others are here for you! We want you to live!
  3. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    My father killed himself when he was 30 , I was 6 when I was old enough to make sense of it I just figured I might as well be like my dad .but when I had my son (at 22) i knew I couldn't do that .. It partly pissed me off I think to know my dad could leave me cause I'm no stronger so it must come down to love .. I stay alive for my son .. The rest is meaningless .. I assume this lump will be nothing but a dark part of me feels I deserve the misery .. My son doesn't though , but he also doesn't deserve a mother like me , depressed , bi polar , miserable all the time .. Really what is best alive and crazy or dead and buried ..
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think that no one and no creature "deserves" nasty diseases. Bad things happen without necessarily having a reason to "justify" them - the same way that good things can happen. Depression is also an illness and no one "deserves" it. The best outcome is to live and find reasons that make our time good for us and good for others. Maybe that is one direction to place your hope?

    I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a hopeful sign that they didn't rush you into surgery the next day. If the lump is not super deep, they might also have done a preliminary biopsy already if they thought it was cancer. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that this is merely fibrous tissue and nothing more. And also that you find things every day that make you glad you are here. The world needs every good person it has, and you are one of those good ones. :)
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello, I am sorry you are struggling,I have read your other thread too, most lumps are benign and I'm sure yours will most likely turn out that way too. You are not in the slightest bitch selfish, yes sure...people are dying in wars, battling illnesses, but your disease of depression is completely as important than theirs, you need to fight this illness for you and for your son. I hope things start to look up soon, you deserve it to Best of luck to you and keep us updated :)
  6. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    Thank you :)