Deserve to Live?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Random21, Jul 23, 2008.

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  1. Random21

    Random21 Member

    Ok Im new to this site and I have been wanting to ask this question to anyone but since its about suicide have not found a suitable audience. I am really glad I found this site!!!! Thanks!

    My girlfriend recently ended our long term reltionship but we still live together. We can't afford not to and we have literally no where else to go. (God this is hard to summarize) Anyway, due to drinking heavily we ended up having a threesome after the break-up. She regretted so much. I didn't at first but after seeing how much it hurt her I did. However, I continued to mess around with this guy as dumb as that was cause she was better friends with him. Anyway I realized I was spiraling and after being confronted by her about drug use I decided to check myself into in-patient. I get out and about three days later mess around with this guy in the other room as she is sleepng. I told her about it later which was dumb as all hell. I ruined her friendship with hm. I ruined my friendship with him. Most importntly fucked sht up between us so badly and i still can't deal with the fact she has designs on some other guy and since the threesome incident spends so much time with him and texts him no-stop. Okay enough rambling background here's my point.

    She thinks I did it deliberately to hurt her. I can't believe that like my brain stops me from processing that cause I love her so much. My problem is I want to get better but what if I am a bad person? Cause I have a very intricate way to mess wth people and myslef. The fact that I ca't answer if I intentionally meant to hurt her pains me s much. I see her every day. How can I get better when all I want to do is punish myself for the past? I'm at the point where I will not self-harm at all. I haven't wanted to and have no desire. I wuld like to get well but I don't know if I deserve to or can. And if I can't I'm gonna continue fucking with those I love.... I can't do that. Self-harm was mostly for attention as much it was for release and punishment. If I "Attempt" suicide again I am gonna make damn sure I die. I hate even writing that but I mean it.

    My question is not what you think if I deserve to live or not caz of course you don't know me, but what would do in my shoes? Like I am completely stuck I want to gt well if I am also wondering if I should just end it. If this makes any sense, please post whatever u have to say.
  2. nowayout1011

    nowayout1011 Member

  3. CantSeeClearly

    CantSeeClearly New Member

    its hard 2 answer that... sometimes i don think i deserve to live for tha things that ive done in my past eitha... but i don believe there is any1 thing a person can do that makes them deserve 2 die. theres plenty of shit that goes on that makes u want 2... but it doesnt mean u deserve it. put it this way... if u deserved 2 die jus 4 hurting someone than that means i do 2... and most of the people on earth... we jus have 2 try again 2 be better
  4. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    First of all, I think you stole my name :tongue:

    Next. It's never worth dying over somebody else. You deserve to live as much as anyone else does. I understand suicidal thinking but I decided long ago that I would never do it over a relationship.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    First of all you still living together, not a good idea. She has decided it is over and has moved on and found a new boyfriend. You are lacking closier between you. It is obvious you are greiving. It sounds like to me that she is trying to control things. My advice is to let her go and keep your options open so you don't miss your true other half. She is out there you just haven't crossed paths yet. Good luck and if you need to talk then PM me.:chopper:
  6. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    You do deserve to live me on the other hand I'm not so sure.... I agree it's not worth dying over somebody else, but things can add up.

    I know what you mean.. sometimes I wonder if don't deserve to live myself. I've done horrible things I cheated on my x who I really cared about( I was a paranoid jealous nut) there was a video I admitted it to her out of guilt(I'm too honest by nature) well she wanted to see it. She started hearing voices. I didn't intend to hurt her at all I just acted and didn't think what I was doing when I did it , told her, and when she asked to see it, that was a huge mistake
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2008
  7. Random21

    Random21 Member

    That video was great I really liked it. I

    am really glad people responded and like the input. I wouldn't feel like im killing myself over a relationship but to stop me from hurting anybody like that in the future. Though I didn't do it thinking "Wow I'm totally gonna hurt her, this is great." I tried not to thnk anything except I should be able to do this I shouldn't feel bad. When I felt bad from the beginning.

    I know what the 2fargone is talking about tho.. caz I should not have told her but she asked and the worst thing you can ever do to her is lie but instead I gav her intimate details. I felt so guilty it was like confessing when I told her but it wasn't for her sake it was for mine. If I had thught about her I should never have told her. But at the same time 2fargone you would have never been able to predict that she would start hearing voices. Its so hard to not want to tell all to those we love especially when we feel like shit and guilty. Every question she asked I answered it thinking it would help, if there had been a vidoe of the incident I would have let her watch it thinking it was for the best. But instead the more knowledge she had the more psissed she was (rightly so) but I was just adding fuel to fire when I was trying to put it out.
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