Ok Im new to this site and I have been wanting to ask this question to anyone but since its about suicide have not found a suitable audience. I am really glad I found this site!!!! Thanks! My girlfriend recently ended our long term reltionship but we still live together. We can't afford not to and we have literally no where else to go. (God this is hard to summarize) Anyway, due to drinking heavily we ended up having a threesome after the break-up. She regretted so much. I didn't at first but after seeing how much it hurt her I did. However, I continued to mess around with this guy as dumb as that was cause she was better friends with him. Anyway I realized I was spiraling and after being confronted by her about drug use I decided to check myself into in-patient. I get out and about three days later mess around with this guy in the other room as she is sleepng. I told her about it later which was dumb as all hell. I ruined her friendship with hm. I ruined my friendship with him. Most importntly fucked sht up between us so badly and i still can't deal with the fact she has designs on some other guy and since the threesome incident spends so much time with him and texts him no-stop. Okay enough rambling background here's my point. She thinks I did it deliberately to hurt her. I can't believe that like my brain stops me from processing that cause I love her so much. My problem is I want to get better but what if I am a bad person? Cause I have a very intricate way to mess wth people and myslef. The fact that I ca't answer if I intentionally meant to hurt her pains me s much. I see her every day. How can I get better when all I want to do is punish myself for the past? I'm at the point where I will not self-harm at all. I haven't wanted to and have no desire. I wuld like to get well but I don't know if I deserve to or can. And if I can't I'm gonna continue fucking with those I love.... I can't do that. Self-harm was mostly for attention as much it was for release and punishment. If I "Attempt" suicide again I am gonna make damn sure I die. I hate even writing that but I mean it. My question is not what you think if I deserve to live or not caz of course you don't know me, but what would do in my shoes? Like I am completely stuck I want to gt well if I am also wondering if I should just end it. If this makes any sense, please post whatever u have to say.