Deserving what I get

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by justMe7, Mar 28, 2012.

  1. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Im starting to feel like everythings my fault. Like I deserve what I am getting and have gotten. If I went into specifics I'd.. idk, id fall under the sheer weight of it. I have to break it up and look to a future that's got absolutly everything but I can't achieve anything. Not even simple conversation atm, or health.. Or.... :( im scared and I want to (but really dont)be scared because i feel something. I don't feel more I feel like im me.. i just wish being me wasn't so bad.. but yeah that's the shiet of life eh :D Everyones got it :laugh: it's not that bad anyhow it's pretty mild, infact one might say ive got it pretty damn good. ...
    The more I look at the reality of my life and who I am, the more I see the deserving fact of my life. I hate this struggel to keep myself from knowing im a absolute.. yeah. I don't even care tbh.. probably me running.. I hate this shit.. sometimes inspiration and motivation is so god damn horrible when i cant even.. do one thing. I just can't do it. Anything.. i dont even drink water anymore really. Well, Itell a lie I had 4 cups of tea and 2 glasses of water. pleanty but most days its just tea. I dont care.. i care... i dont know. Commiting is so ... god... i gotta lay down
     
  2. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    ..lol. ah fuck it. Don't worry about replying
     
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    sorry you're feeling like this Blakey... I would have replied sooner but I only just saw your thread. Been sick with a bad cold and head in a fog. I know the reality of your first 2 sentences up there.... believe me.... but there is a way out - promise.
     
  4. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Yar.. there is always. Depending though on my own self is another matter.
    Thanks for the reply, I hope youre feeling better xx
     
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Blake :hug:
    I am not going to pretend that I entirely understood your post. Maybe my head is not working properly.
    What is it about your life that you feel you deserved/brought on yourself? I don't know you at all really but I have read so many of your answers to the threads people write (including my own) and I can see that you are a kind, caring and thoughtful person. I don't know about you or your life so I feel that I don't have a great deal to say that would be anything more than a platitude, but if you want to share more my inbox is always open.
    I hope you feel better :hug:
    xx
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I just saw this...please PM me and let me know what is going on...you know I care
     
  7. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    tbh I don't particulary... idk. Ever kept your head up with your way of life... then collapse, then raise your head and it's not the same. Tbh I want to rage right now just to burn something into me. Probably a way to distract myself from my shit fucking life. My anchors to life.. my actions, my relationships, my thoughts, my existence.. it's all rather fucked up. Im dreading a moment in my head at times without outside stimulation. Because I am absolutly useless in practability. It's causing me to accept certain conclusions of myself. Not the quick sway conclusions, but ones ive emphasised... hmm strange. I dread how I look at myself, and im accepting it.. at times I can believe im more than what I am... then I interact with people, life... and I see in the moment why I feel how I feel about myself. I said change myself once.. I can't even...
    Sigh.. I think, but to act.. .
    Idk.. I have a huge problem telling people my specific problems, so I talk like this. Don't worry Freya, it's my way of writing. It's ... yeah. Too tired to feed off of myself..
    You know what worries me.. the fact that my thinking and actions aren't inlined again. Fucking childish problems that frustrate me because of the levels I should be able to ..... sigh. I seem to recall some distant fucking concept about wanting what you can't have or be. Escaping from the reality of this fucking existence... god here we go again

    FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! im getting stoned. Fuck my life. Fuck who I am.. fuck this shit... give me your shit... draw me... :|.........

    It's getting dodgy. Years of making myself aware of the rest of life and trying to respect it through my thoughts and actions... LEFT WITH THIS.... some sort of confused unnatural diluted fuck nut who doesn't care which makes me fucking dodgy.

    ^^ I have no idea what you can say to that bullshit. I was going to write it is too difficult to explain, but apparently I just want to rant and rave and try to chisel another piece of my humility away. PERHAPS i want to remind myself how pathetic i am, perhaps i want to remind myself of my confusion.. perhaps i want to reconnect with those young perceptions through life and realize I was right back then. The only difference? I Know more in some fashion. I am at that age, and have been for years, where those things I want to do are possible. AND im so fucked at the base it's laughable to comprhend anything because it's all a dillusion to the reality.... i really fucking can't be bothered with my bullshit. Im jjust driving it .. isolating myself so I dont fucking stimulate someone elses life. As best as i can... idk. Sucks beingstupid.