Designing my gravestone...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mistymonday, Apr 20, 2015.

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  1. Mistymonday

    Mistymonday New Member

    Hello. I know i may sound funny or something, I find it some sarcastic way very funny (Im many times very sarcastic in many ways). But last night like between 2 and 3 am I started to design my own gravestone in the internet. I was looking different kind of stonetypes, thinking what font Id like to have on it, what picture, what text etc. Been feeling very depressed lately ,and today was the top of the mountain. I dropped into that deep ocean , which is full of pain, agony, grief, sadness, loneliness, depressiion, hate etc. I have some friends, but no one to talk about these hard feelings. I also find hard to talk things in their "own names": usually I pretend its all ok until it goes to that point I attempt to kill myself. Have many attempts behind me.

    So I tried to get some help , say somehow please somebody help me. I shared the gravestone pic on my facebook profile and the tex id like to have it when I die. Three people liked it, and one people asked what is it. I said im having deep pain and agony. No answer. I think this speaks about my loneliness. So I left my home for a walk, couldn breathe here. I had this thought im just going to walk as far as I can and never returning. So i kept on walking, and the deepest pain started to ease. I dont have any saldo so I cant call on the crisis phone.

    Im 28-years-old. People dont believe me , when I say I feel much older and that my life is over. Been feeling this way for years, also when im not feeling suicidal. I just feel Ive seen it all, the bad things yes but also the good things. Many good things, nice people and good memories. Its not all just shit. But this pain is hard to cope with.

    I took the gravestone picture away from my fb wall, it was there several ours. this is the text id like to have on it, its from Flipsydes song "Someday" which I find speaking directly about my life :

    "Someday we gonna rise up on that wind you know
    Someday we gonna dance with those lions
    Someday we gonna break free from these chains and keep on flyin'"

    Other part from that song is also "speaking about me" :

    "Try to lie but it ain't me Ain't me
    Try to look but I can't see
    Can't stop right now cause I'm too far and I can't keep goin' cause it's too hard
    In the day in the night it's the same thing
    On the field on the block it's the same game
    On the real if you stop then it's no pain but if you can't feel pain then it's no gain
    Rearrange and you change and it's all bad and you try to maintain but you fall back
    And you crawl and you slip and you slide down
    Wanna make it to the top better start now
    So I hold my soul and I die hard
    All alone in the night in the graveyard
    Someday one day I'm gonna be free and they won't try to kill me for being me
    Hey someday
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are in such a dark place right now. I am unsure i would blame facebook friends for not knowing what to say about putting up a gravestone picture on FB- aside from at least half a dozen apps i have seen on FB that make funny gravestone and how you will die predictions as jokes, Facebook is not the place most feel at all comfortable in engaging in that sort of conversation. People do not not what to say or do any more than we do ourselves. The addition of phrases like deep pain and agony really do not make it clear what is going on. If you reach out for help to people do the courtesy of saying depressed and suicidal say they do not have to ask or guess what you are feeling . When trying to get help of that sort try it personally and directly , but to be honest I would still not expect a lot and that does not in any way mean they are not good friends simply because they are not trained and practiced at knowing what to say when a friends says things like that. Call a help line if it is in crisis, or post here where people will not be so shocked if you just want to be able to say how you feel, or a one on one serious discussion with a close friend or family that you are able to call things what they are and not expect people to try to connect dots.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
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