Desire to live, but sick of everybody.. still fantasizing

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by stuckinchicago6, May 24, 2010.

  1. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    I hate where I am right now in my life. I can not stand the person I have become. This low point.... However, I want to live. I just don't like the life I am living now, but I want to love my life again. It is just that there is not much hope. As the weather gets warmer, it really depresses me too. :(

    Onto my point, I feel that most of my problems are brought on by the difficulty of living with other people. Lately, the moments I cherish most are when I am alone at home. Unfortunately, those moments are few and rare. I hate to say this, but sometimes I wish they were dead because I want to live. That is harsh, but I wish they would just go away for a while or permanently change into kinder and more understanding people. Their harshness and selfishness upsets me soooo much.
    I just want a family who supports me no matter what and no matter how bad I feel. They expect me to just snap my fingers and be happy and "normal". They think I can control that I don't sleep at night. My mother is such a bully sometimes. She can only show kindness to animals. She talks to her dog more than me. Sometimes, she doesn't even acknowledge my presence but she will have conversations with him. I know this is childish of me to complain about a dog, but it really upsets me. The only time I dream about dying, I only think about it to think of her reaction. SHE WOULD LOSE THE PERSON CLOSEST TO HER??? ME!! THAT WOULD GIVE ME PERMANENT SATISFACTION. SHE WOULD LIVE IN REGRET FOREVER. REGRETTING THAT SHE WAS SUCH A BIT** TO ME AND NEVER UNDERSTANDING, SYMPATHETIC, OR EMPATHETIC...

    NOW, my question to you all is, despite sometimes gaining back a desire to live, do you still fantasize about suicide so you could see the reaction of people in your life???? Parents? Other family? Friends? Exes? How do you think they would feel???? :anony:
     
  2. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Hey,

    Sorry you're feeling this way. I hate bullies :sad:. Do you think your mom would be more supportive if you told her that you're in a more vulnerable state right now?


    To answer your question, yea I always fantasize a lot about this sort of stuff. I wonder how my friends or may family would feel. I think its natural. Despite what I may think they will feel, I'm probably going to be wrong in my guesses. Especially my friends. I'm pretty sure I won't know how they would feel. So suicide for the sake of invoking a particular emotion in certain people is a bad idea, in my opinion anyway. Don't think you're strange for thinking about this stuff. I think anyone whose thought about suicide has probably thought about it.

    Hope your fam troubles get better :hug:.
     
  3. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    I need to just write all these people a letter to lay off. They don't know about the difficult time I'm having now, especially with taking a summer course. The endless boredom and a tunnel with no light ahead. Just darkness.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you do write letter to tell people to lay off I hope you can find something good to do for you in amongst all the darkness maybe it will help take care of you okay that is all that matters now is you take care of you i hope you find something that will bring you even a little joy today.