Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blueskies2121, Apr 2, 2014.

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  1. Blueskies2121

    Blueskies2121 Member

    I lurk these forums every once in a while when I feel low. I do this to try to add some context to my life, and I generally leave this site feeling at least a bit more positive than I did before. Normally I do not post, but I cannot deal with myself any longer. As futile as it may seem, I have come to the internet to at least try to find some insight into what I'm dealing with currently. I feel the desire to end myself, and this feeling goes against every value I hold in my existence. Unfortunately, this desire is reaching the point where it could be described as overwhelming. Before I can delve any deeper into these feelings, I need to add a bit of context to my situation.

    I'm 24 year-old male who currently lives with his mother in a mid western suburb. I wake up every morning to the sounds of my mind reflecting on my past failures and constant thoughts of inadequacy. I eventually leave my bed at absurd hours and turn on my computer. I go through my weekdays sitting in my room, drinking, playing video games, and watching TV. This whole time I leech off my mother generosity and that allows me to stay in her home. On the weekends I usually head to the nearest city out of a sense of obligation. I get drunk and party with friends, although socializing feels completely empty to me at this point. Then at night, no matter if its on a random person's couch or my own bed, I pass out alone wondering if I will even wake up tomorrow.

    Its been like this for 3 years now. I used to have dreams for work and pleasure. There was an industry that I wanted to go into. I even went to college to study that field. Unfortunately I failed to graduate in my last year, and I lied to all my friends and family about it because of my shame. I wanted to travel and see this beautiful world while I'm young, but my debt is too substantial to allow me that kind of freedom. I wanted to meet a girl who saw me as something more than a hug and a smile, but, after all these years, I realize that I am too inadequate to find comfort in another.

    Now here I sit. Everyone tells me to get a job. I'm told to find a hobby that makes you happy. Its not that hard they say. Unfortunately, the desire is gone. The semester before i failed school I used to look at small assignments and laugh. This will take me ten minuets is what i used to think. Then I ended up not doing anything, and it was not because I was distracted or external factors prevented me. The reason I failed these assignments (and school in general) is because I couldn't lift a finger. I would stare at a blank computer screen for hours until due dates were long past. This is how I now feel about my existence. I tell myself that i want to live. I try so hard in my mind to find a job, do things that make me happy, and to find love, but my body doesn't respond.

    What saddens me the most is that the one true thing that I desire above all else is for those around me to be happy. I find life beautiful in every way, and I want the people I meet to feel as happy and beautiful as I see them. It has now reached a point that I cannot even make those around me happy. All I have been able to accomplish is to shame my family as a loser alcoholic, waste my mother's life by being a shitty son, and failing my friends who trust/trusted me. I want to live because life is an amazing beautiful thing, but I just do not deserve this gift I have. Of course there would be sadness caused by my leaving this world, but my mind tells me that everyone will be happier in the long run... Including myself. This may sound cliché, but if I have no desire to even try to have a happy life any longer, then why should I keep living. Of course there is more depth to my mentality, but I do not have the stamina to write a small novel. I'm just curious what people have to say because all I see right now is a very very dark future.
  2. Liquid Jello

    Liquid Jello Well-Known Member

    first, basically everything ur saying fits the description of deep depression. u've seen a dr. for treatment? meds can definitely help. that along with therapy make for the best treatment. if you're not getting any professional help, please, please do so. I don't want u to have to keep on hurting this much, and from what u write, I can see that u don't want that either. u, just like everyone, deserves better than how things r for u currently. and re: other people in ur life, I don't think it's possible to overestimate the depth of their feelings of guilt, anger, grief, and sadness that would result if you were to take ur own life.

    I'm glad the posts you've read here have been helpful to u. have you visited the chatrooms? they can offer some more immediate, direct support. also, if it doesn't feel to you that you can hold on, then u need to call a crisis line and/or go to an emergency room, k? I've done both in the past, and it helped me to save my life, as once ur gone -- as best I know -- there really isn't any coming back.

    I wish u the very best.


  3. Blueskies2121

    Blueskies2121 Member

    I just really don't know what to do. I don't have the money to afford a doctor on my own, and my blue collar family rarely visits a doctor for physical problems let alone mental ones. How am I supposed to go to my single mother who sacrificed so much and worked so hard for me and tell her that I'm depressed even though I live an incredibly easy life? She will just blame herself like she always does and I will end up feeling even shittier about it. If for some reason I could go to a doctor, I do not even know if I could. I failed motivate myself to finish school, I failed to motivate myself to get a job, why would this be any different? I appreciate the reply, I really do. Unfortunately it just feels like I have dug myself into a hole that has gone far too deep, and trying to get out will only end up sending me farther down.
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