Desolation Dance

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by BelovedDreamer, Oct 16, 2006.

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  1. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    I cannot
    For the life of me
    Stand the way you flit beyond my reach
    How in moments when I least expect it
    You cut through the corner of my vision
    And catch me off-guard
    So the breath catches in my lungs
    And my heart takes up a fluttering guard
    Within my throat.
    I hate how I can still see you
    Even now.
    Eyes opened
    Eyes closed
    It makes no difference.
    I can still see you
    Leaning over your desk
    With this look on your face
    Like you’d seen everything
    And been everywhere
    And still hadn’t had a chance to rest.
    And all along the way there’d been surprises
    And none of them good
    And at this point they weren’t even surprises anymore
    Just another tick mark to add to the litany of disaster.
    I’d never in my life seen anyone
    Look so beaten down
    So utterly done in and done for
    By the random cruelties life inflicts.
    I thought I had known the face of despair before
    But I knew nothing
    Before I saw that look pour down your face
    That look of utter desolation
    Of anxious disorientation
    Of abused-child resignation.
    I thought I could understand pain until
    I watched your hands fumble on a phone
    And writhed in utter ineffective grief
    At the way the pattern of your voice
    outlined its endless catalog of distress and devastation
    and set the ghosts to dancing
    in your eyes.
    You looked like the oldest child
    that the world had ever known
    and I reacted like the most incongruous parent
    the world had ever seen
    but all I wanted was
    to pick you up
    and lift you free
    and raise you clear of the flood waters
    and give you a space in which to breath
    or a rope to hold onto until the torrent abated
    but somehow I can’t shake the feeling
    that all I managed to do
    was hand you a rope to hang yourself with
    and somehow ended up hanging myself
    right along side.
  2. Oh wow Beloved...

    Who did you write that for?! I wish someone as loving as you had written it for me - but that's selfish ---- No it isn't - you've managed to look clearly into a wounded soul, and thoughtfully, empathetically described it. That's rare. That's a treasure. Your words are beautiful... It means one is understood, even in great pain... (it takes great pain as well I know to do that brand of looking)

  3. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dearly Beloved;

    so sad
    so true.

    articulated them
    as beautifully


    least xoxoxox
  4. I'm not done yet. I've read it again and again,and I'm still in awe... of how naked your expression is, and how naked is the soul before you that you caress in emotion, with your insight... even in pain, as if there is no difference between yours and theirs. Your words bring on so many mixed feelings...compassion, the strongest. It opens wounds as it heals them. Your words are such...

    Last edited: Oct 16, 2006
  5. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    I wrote if for someone who for some unknown reason spoke in some depth about herself to me during a time of great emotional distress. Her life was such that I must admit to feeling very much in awe of the pain she had suffered and that fact that she had managed to survive with as much of herself intact as she did. She struck a very deep empathetic chord in me. A highly unusual person who, despite the rather stressful outcome of my interactions and resulting actions, I feel honored to have known some little about for a short time.
    I still regret not having had the chance to know her better. I find life to be awfully full of boredom and sameness and it was interesting to meet someone equally unabashedly weird. Though I think my intensity and personal oddities might have weirder her out. Ironic. Ah, but it's done, and I meant well. It's a long story and one I haven't really had the chance to work out really.
    She's no longer around but the things she told me still haunt me. Me and my stupid tendency to overly internalize other peoples problems...
  6. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You might find your "tendencies" stupid - I find them beautifully worded and loaded with emotion and depth.:smile: I find your tendency to internalize other people's problems to be wonderfully done,:smile: and so empathetic that I can see myself and my perspectives and 'weirdities' in your works.:smile: :smile:

    I don't know about you, but I feel that if I couldn't write, I'd just wither away... and lately I've not been able to write anything I could stand five minutes later, haven't even been able to come up with a good first line...:sad:

    I love what you do and how you do it. I only wish that it wasn't impelled by such sorrow and frustration.:sad:

    much love,

    least xoxoxox
  7. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    It's the only way I have of expressing myself. I am used to and much more comfortable being the listener, the caretaker. It is very rare that I talk about the way I feel. My problems are my own and I fear that showing too much need or vulnerability or imbalance will make people run. It's funny. I take care of my friends, my family, a random person every once and awhile. From many years of learning the nature of silence I know very well how to listen. But my own silence is eating me alive.
    I am very young. I know I am. And I am so tired of being the adult in almost every situation. Or being punished when I fail to be strong and take on that position.
    It's odd. I had someone tell me once that I had an overdeveloped sense of personal responsibility. That I felt the need to save the entire world. The funny thing is, I don't believe anyone can be saved, it is arrogance and folly to take on a savior complex. I just think that it is wrong not to try anyway. To offer everything you can as long as you are able. The part of my life that I referenced in that poem is one of those times. It turned out badly. I stepped out of my boundaries, invested myself in someone I barely knew and who didn't know me at all, took on more than maybe was wise or wanted, but if I hadn't tried I would never have forgiven myself. I cannot stop global warming single-handedly, or cure cancer, or rewrite a painful history, but I can offer my own awkward assurances, my clumsy help, and hope that the attempt at least provides some solace. I have been alone and lonely so much of my short life, and it takes next to nothing from me to reach out and try to place what little I have between that gaping loneliness and someone else.

    hmmm...I am oddly rambly and talkative tonight. sorry if I got all existential or introspective on y'all.
  8. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    S'ok, Beloved! Where else can you ramble if not here? To paraphrase Gandalf; "not all those who ramble are lost."


  9. * * *
    Your integrity, deep insight, and compassion truly come out in your writing. You do have such a gift. Trust it is an honour (truly) to witness it revealed the way you do. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I also know its cost... *sigh*

  10. * * *
    M'dear, the solace you give cannot be measured or counted. Your honesty and intent is like fog rising, revealing a landscape of deep understanding - even though you say you are young. I believe you are an old soul that has lived many lifetimes of pain, and so have gained a profound empathy with others who suffer as well, yet who have little or no grasp of what may be learned sometimes through the gift of grace. You possess that abundance.
    Truly you do. It is a light that shines for others, even within your own darkness...


    *edit - P. S. - I love your first paragraph, relate to it all too well. Being an old soul (although wise) has many a cost, including the reality of the notion that "Savior Mentality" can be as equally harmful as the feeling of being lost. You've SO triggered something in me with your writing! I'm rambling myself...! But I welcome it...
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2006
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