Despair? Anyone ? suicide ? ??? ?? ???? ???

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by guage, Feb 12, 2013.

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  1. guage

    guage Well-Known Member

    Ok so I have made two plans previously and did not conclude them for various reasons, I actually spent three hours writing a story of sorts in one of the other forums which I deleted and ended up here. I suppose my main reason for not concluding my plans are for the fact that I have put my family through so much my entire life. I died twice when I was two started getting arrested at 7 up until the last evolvement with the law at age 17 when I got arrested for attempted murder and five counts kidnapping( I was gonna kill my dad for hitting my mother , he ran into a neighbors house and I followed him with the gun and that is where the kidnapping came from, layer almost all charges were dropped. Ok, plane one over some with 3 years ago. Second plan still a good theory, but not very efficient. Third plan I backed out on due to hope and was blinded by self pity. But am clear as a bell now and have all the resources to enact my newest plan, but herein lye's my dilemma, I just found out that there is a 95% probability without DNA that I have a 3 year old son, but the love I have for his mother pits me in a spot where I might never meet him face to face although he doesn't know that I might be his father he does enjoy Skypeing with me. Which is fucking AWESOME!!!! But I will probably never meet him, so that being said I am now seeing this as an escape ro falter in my plan. Only some times however the deadline of my plan is in drawing closer. But I don't want to help people strip guns away from citizens , so I had to revise my plan with with out a gun it is gonna be so much more brutal and medieval. I just don't know how to deal with these kinda thought anymore , it so stupid to have people call all the time and ask if you feel like hurting someone or yourself, and when you tell them the truth you get held for 72 hours where you have nothing to occupy your mind but these thoughts and ways to make them more brutal and violent because now after trying to get help on these matters you now have more anger and resentment built up. Why would anyone ask for help if it get them ostracized and looked down apon. Tic tok , when depression makes it seem like life drags on and on when you make a plan and have deadlines. These deadlines come at you extremely fast even if you set or court sets them months away. I hat having to keep track of time ....... That fucking tic tok in my head is nearly as loud as the ringing
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't have many answers, but I want to offer support and a listening ear if you ever want/need someone to talk to. Feel free to PM me anytime.
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hiya, I read your thread earlier but couldn't think of anything worthwhile to reply but upon reading it again I have 1 question.. is there anyway you can talk genuinely about the thoughts you are having without being held for the mandatory 72 hours? When I used to feel suicidal and I was clearly a danger to myself my psychiatrist and I would come to some sort of agreement where I would tell him I would not commit/attempt suicide if he changed certain meds or their doses for me, to be honest, the meds that were addictive but helped me feel better and also I was to contact crisis if I had any suicidal thoughts. We made deals like this all the time. Is there any possibility of something like this in your case?
     
  4. Spacer

    Spacer Active Member

    Guage, you sure have been through a lot, and continue to do so. Has there every been a time when you didn't have these thoughts? What do you feel like distracts you from them? Hugs to you gauge.
     
  5. guage

    guage Well-Known Member

    Ok i am responding to all the reply's. I have tried talking to my doc , but when i open up to try and get help i get held, i have what other people describe as a pretty disturbing thought process every time i actually open myself up, i get locked up. I have a slight touch of schizophrenia, that doesn't seem to bother anyone but me. I have tried adjustments on meds and nothing seems to work , some increase the frequency in which i hear my inner voice and some just make me want to murder everyone that is stupid around me for stupid reasons. It scared me the first several times i heard it speak to me, now i just answer it back in my head , even though my ears hear it i realize it is in my head. I haven't had one single day pass by since i was five that i have not thought of checking out. I have writer multiple hours of threads in here since i joined but have only posted a couple, i can't take that chance again i can't live in a cage anymore even though i am currently free i still feel that i am in a cage. Why is it that if someone wants to harm themselves must they be locked up for it. I don't get it, its self inflicted. inflicted don't really even know why i post on here, but it is kinda relieving, i guess. Oh i found out in therapy and treatment that i am an emotional shell, i only process pain and anger, and have no other feelings, i just react to ques in conversation it body language, but the best the doctors can figure is that i gave up on life so early in child hood that i became emotionally detached from life itself. I don't get distracted from these thoughts ever I usually have 30-40 thoughts going on at a time and every door I see, I see a checkout sign above it. I have tried to give helpful comments to a couple of people , and i really do thank ya'll for taking from your troubles to read and spend time writing comments to my post . I really do appreciate it.
     
  6. Spacer

    Spacer Active Member

    Gauge, thanks for responding. I have to go out but I wanted to say thanks for exploring more about how you feel. One thing I find interesting is that you have had these thoughts for such a long time it appears to be normal to you now. I wonder....if working on acceptance of the thoughts would help you in some way? You know, like people who hear voices...they can either be annoyed or scared about them, or they work on accepting it's a part of them, and it helps them to look forward. Does that make sense? Let me know your thoughts. I'm listening.

    Thanks Gauge.

    Spacer
     
  7. guage

    guage Well-Known Member

    Well as you say , the people that hear voices.. Have schizophrenia, and thank you , I have a little touch of that. And yes I have learned, a long time ago how to live with it, because when I actually let my true feelings be know, people want to have me committed, thank you , in which that also has been the case, probably two or more years of early childhood. I have done therapy, meds, meditations, psych wards( more of that than anyone should ever have to do) and light shock therapy as it was put . Shock therapy is completely inhuman, btw. And from what I saw of some of my cellys is it is like an electrical lobotomy. And I see nothing coming from any further existence, and am tired of existing and having to accept that I have so little emotions and am constantly hurting. I wonder why I am able to open my eyes every time I awake. side note I have an extreme immunity to narcotics for some reason. That is why the docs tell me that they don't work. Penicillin will kill me and other than that I am immune to almost everything produced.
     
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just offering friendship and a listening ear if you ever need either... you can PM me anytime.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 14, 2013
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