Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Agirlwhosad, Aug 12, 2016.

  1. Agirlwhosad

    Agirlwhosad Member

    I have come to a very complicated set of circumstances in my life which I am solely responsible for. in my 29yrs I have never been so overcome with such pain sorrow shame hopelessness. I have hurt the ppl I love the most I feel like the only way to show everyone the hole I have caused not just in them but also myself is through ending my own life. And I can't see things getting better. I want to believe but I am the true definition of despair. <mod edit - methods> I am scared of the pain I will feel but the reason I back away the most is I dont want others strangers to experience this horror. I have caused enough hurt to ppl. I dont want to become another horrible memory to anyone else..... Please someone help me I dont see this ending good. I feel for my parents. For my family but it's almost like in my heart I just know it's time for me to go.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 13, 2016
  2. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hi Agirlwhosad, I am Mox

    Please listen to me very carefully, if you feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself than PLEASE go to your local ER and get the help you need. There is no shame in getting help. We at SF care about you, and our main goal is to keep our members safe.

    Welcome to SF, thank you for sharing your story. Just know at SF you are among friends and people who want to help you. No one will make fun of you or ridicule you in any manner. That BS is not tolerated here. Our goal is to keep you safe and to offer you as much emotional support as we can. The more you share, the more we can help. Feel free to read my personal story in the green hyperlink below this reply.

    I am reading your story like you are very overwhelmed and stressed out individual. Never be ashamed of how you feel. Our emotions exist for one reason to keep us safe. You will never be judged while you are with us. We want to help you. If you could possibly share some more of your story, what is going on with you to feel like suicide is an answer?

    Have you thought about getting professional help for your problems?

    Please let us help you

    Take Care of Yourself
    Agirlwhosad likes this.
  3. Agirlwhosad

    Agirlwhosad Member

    Hi mox! Thank you for responding. I'll tell you my story and how I came to be in the wrecked state I am in. I was born in a different country and moved to the U.S. as a child with my mom. I lived many years there illegally then when I was 12 my mom got married to my stepdad and became a citizen I got my green card and when I was about 20 I got caught with .7grams of marijuana. Yes that is less than One gram. Well that charge has had the biggest implications in my life. Because I was only a resident at the time in the process of getting my citizenship it had huge implications on my immigration status. So years go by I get married I have two boys. My husband and sons are American citizens. Well last year I traveled outside the U.S. and otw back home I was told I could not return to the states and have to wait out this immigration process away from my family. I am now in a foreign country alone where I can't speak the language. I am away from anyone I have ever loved. I feel so desperate and scared every day.. I want to be strong I want to live I want to see my loved ones again one day. But the pain I am feeling is so so so big it makes me feel beyond overwhelmed. Like I am just a girl trying to hold up a mountain which is my pain and I am not winning. When I look at being away from them for hurts my chest physically. I feel like I am empty a shell of the woman I was. I go days and days without any human contact to tell u the truth I have tears in my eyes right. Now I am just thankful someone has talked to me kindly God i want to be wrong but this feels like an open wound that will never heal. I feel like I have a hole where my heart used to be.
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Wow, no wonder you are overwhelmed and stressed out. Anyone would be in your situation. If you did not know this already, we become suicidal when our stressors in life overwhelm our ability to cope. And that is obviously what happening to you. You're totally stressed out, anyone would be in your situation. Is there anywhere you can turn that will help you?

    Are you able to see a doctor, and get some type of medication to help calm you down?

    Any timeline when your immigration status will be resolved?

    Do you have any extended family in your new country that can help you?

    Just know we are here for you.
  5. Agirlwhosad

    Agirlwhosad Member

    Thank you so much for your concern for me even though I am a complete stranger to you.
    I have no one here. A timeline given to us by my new attorney is anywhere from 18 to 24mo from when the process first started in it's extremely hard for me to envision myself making it through a whole year and a half( at best) of living with these feelings and thoughts.
    What I have come to realize just after posting here and really putting my feelings into words is that it isn't an option I feel like I HAVE to find a doctor.i am scared for myself. I have never felt such despair and hopelessness in my whole life and fear of what will happen to me and my family.
    I get scared sometimes that I will have stroke at night here alone and no one will find me for weeks. Idk if it's unrational to think that but I have horrible anxiety attacks so bad I feel like a man is sitting on my chest, an elephant actually and i just can't breathe. I will even experience a weird feeling on my arm at times.
    My wonderful grandma has always taught me that life is a fight but right now I feel like I a little girl fighting a giant.. impossible to beat......
    As far as help goes it's pretty bad I dont want to alarm my family back home to the true nature of my state of mind right now. I dont want them to go through even more hurt but the truth is I am falling apart. To the point I googled suicide help and came here.... Again thank you for talking to me and listening too
  6. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Ok, I am glad that suicide is off the table for you. You had me worried. I feel like because you are going to be there for a long time, maybe volunteer somewhere or take language classes to learn the native language you're in. So you won't feel like such an outsider. I feel like part of the problem is that you have a lot of free time on your hands and your mind is just racing along; if you had some type of distraction like volunteer work it would help you. It would give you a purpose, you would meet new people and make new friendships. You can never have enough friends. Maybe writing your thoughts down in a journal would help you get everything off of your shoulders and onto a piece of paper; would help you make sense of what you are feeling.

    Are you able to see a doctor for your anxiety attacks? Maybe google "anxiety attacks" self help or something and find something that works best for you.

    We are here for you, don't be afraid to reach out to us if you are having a bad day or just need someone to talk too.

    Take Care