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Despair

#1
The only thing that helps me is being distracted. Busy doing something productive, or something fun. Like watching a movie or playing videogames.

But when I'm alone at night. When I have privacy and solitude, reality sinks in. I become aware of the multiple layers of fear and depression that I can't see during the day.

I do not have a hopeful future ahead of me. It is very bleak and depressing. Society is collapsing and I am helpless to do anything about it. All I can do is try to enjoy the last days of momentary, shallow happiness, until eventually reality will hit me in the face.

I'm not being poetic about this. I'm being vague on purpose.

Health, wealth, relationships and lifestyle. These are the 4 largest "areas" of our lives. The main components that define our lives. I currently have physical health, not a lot of wealth, but enough to live an ok life for now, very few relationships, just close family, and a monotonous lifestyle. In the past I felt a lot of pity for myself, for being in a social sense, a loser, compared to most people of my age. But I used to have hope, that in the future, once I got a job, things would slowly get better.

At the moment, I don't see that hope. That slim hope that I used to have, it is now completely gone. Now, there's nothing for me in the future. Nothing good. Things are only going to become even more bleak. I don't know if I can make it.

I feel like a convict, who has been given life sentence. No amount of hope is useful in enduring a lifetime of helplessness in a prison. But at the same time, I almost envy prisoners. Most of them probably have better lives than the one I will live in the next years.

There is nothing good awaiting me. Not a job, not a girlfriend, no kind of achievement or relief. My future is going to be bitter and sorrowful. I know that it's impossible to know the future, but we can make estimates, predictions based on numbers, evidence. And this is why I feel so much despair, everything points to a future without hope.

I've tried turning to philosophy and religion, to understand this feeling. To try to accept it, and minimize the amount of suffering I'm feeling. But after all the praying, introspecting, meditating, reading, questioning, I arrive at no answer. Absolutely nothing.

I made a promise to be strong. I will live my life as long as it is bearable. At the moment it is bearable. But I am afraid this won't last long. In the span of a year, things will have changed drastically and tragically. I can't even fathom the horror that is the future. I'm very afraid. There's nothing that causes me more suffering than being helpless.

And yet, that is my future.

I really wish that in the convict's shoes, I were given death sentence. It would be merciful, I think. But no amount of wishing will ever change anything.
 

foreverforgotten

Quiet Observer
SF Supporter
#3
I feel the same way... Im just hanging onto what I've got each day. The future is blurry and bleak. But I know thats my depression talking.
so ill fight till im dead i guess. Against that reality. I think its okay to just exist..we're not sent here with a guidebook so... Im done with what society expects of me. I never fit the mould anyway..

*hug this is my awkward way of saying youre not alone in that.. *hug
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#4
The only thing that helps me is being distracted. Busy doing something productive, or something fun. Like watching a movie or playing videogames.

But when I'm alone at night. When I have privacy and solitude, reality sinks in. I become aware of the multiple layers of fear and depression that I can't see during the day.

I do not have a hopeful future ahead of me. It is very bleak and depressing. Society is collapsing and I am helpless to do anything about it. All I can do is try to enjoy the last days of momentary, shallow happiness, until eventually reality will hit me in the face.

I'm not being poetic about this. I'm being vague on purpose.

Health, wealth, relationships and lifestyle. These are the 4 largest "areas" of our lives. The main components that define our lives. I currently have physical health, not a lot of wealth, but enough to live an ok life for now, very few relationships, just close family, and a monotonous lifestyle. In the past I felt a lot of pity for myself, for being in a social sense, a loser, compared to most people of my age. But I used to have hope, that in the future, once I got a job, things would slowly get better.

At the moment, I don't see that hope. That slim hope that I used to have, it is now completely gone. Now, there's nothing for me in the future. Nothing good. Things are only going to become even more bleak. I don't know if I can make it.

I feel like a convict, who has been given life sentence. No amount of hope is useful in enduring a lifetime of helplessness in a prison. But at the same time, I almost envy prisoners. Most of them probably have better lives than the one I will live in the next years.

There is nothing good awaiting me. Not a job, not a girlfriend, no kind of achievement or relief. My future is going to be bitter and sorrowful. I know that it's impossible to know the future, but we can make estimates, predictions based on numbers, evidence. And this is why I feel so much despair, everything points to a future without hope.

I've tried turning to philosophy and religion, to understand this feeling. To try to accept it, and minimize the amount of suffering I'm feeling. But after all the praying, introspecting, meditating, reading, questioning, I arrive at no answer. Absolutely nothing.

I made a promise to be strong. I will live my life as long as it is bearable. At the moment it is bearable. But I am afraid this won't last long. In the span of a year, things will have changed drastically and tragically. I can't even fathom the horror that is the future. I'm very afraid. There's nothing that causes me more suffering than being helpless.

And yet, that is my future.

I really wish that in the convict's shoes, I were given death sentence. It would be merciful, I think. But no amount of wishing will ever change anything.
You suffer the existential angst of many people in this day and age. No one even knows where they belong anymore. Just look at the trends in our society: Cultural Marxism, Feminism, Globalization. Postmodernism has taken over and traditional society has broken down so people are still trying to find their feet. What you're feeling is not abnormal. It's a very natural reaction to the times we live in. That said, I don't think all hope is lost. We can find responsibility in our lives and in that find some meaning. What do you take responsibility for in your life right now?
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#5
You're pretty young to base your entire future off the things that have happened in the past. How do you decide you'll never have a family or job prospects off what has gone on in the past when you've barely got a past to contend with? I get that you feel terrible right now (I really do) but you're far too young to throw away 70 years of lifetime ahead of you after considering only several years of living on your own.
 

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