Yes, I'm really that pathetic. I fantasize about chatting to people, having imaginary discussions and that comforts me. I'm craving to talk to some one. I cannot live without posting on 5-6 forums whether they are eudcational(computers/physics etc) or suicidal or politics. May be I repeat my stories on this forum too much but I really want to talk. Seriously, the last 4 years have been miserable. I've been shy, awkward all my life but I've traumatised beyond repair in my college. Why you did this to me ? Does it make you happy to ruin someone's life. Atleast before that I could hold my head up and walk without feeling shame. I had a few friends in highschool, majority of whom were from lower middle class and they always made fun of me. But atleast these people helped me in worst times and we were always together like a gang. I did not care about having no influential or popular kids as friends but after a chain of events in 2004-2005, which I better not describe, my life has been ruined. I used to get tense every night before I went to sleep, every day when I woke up and had to face 500 people sneering at me in university. Oh god, I don't know how I managed to live then. I bagged a very good job at a software company after graduation but I had to resign in 4 days, thanks to some people from my university(who also got selected) harassing me daily. After this, I hibernated and didn't do anything for long (6 months) time. All I did was prepare for GRE(I'm going for my masters in US this fall), smoke weed, watch porn. I didn't get out of my house for 6 months. I just got bigger, ate terrible food, never worked out. Right now, I'm working for the last 6 months but I haven't spoken to most employees even once. I'm terrified to speak to anyone. But, It's pure torture to live and not have friends. Since 2004 i've probably spent 95% of all my time alone -- in my room, apartment, being by myself in university, work. It's a tough life. Why I can't live without being afraid and fearful for a second. Why are we forced to be around people we don't like. Where's the freedom ? It makes you angry, it makes you hate things even more. Don't really know what to do anymore. How am I supposed to live another, what? 50-60 years like this ? On the other hand, I also dislike human contact because I don't trust them. I hope someone can understand what I'm saying. There is a lack of good human beings int his world. They lack emotions. You can't go close to anyone or they will expoloit you. I wake up every morning depressed, I go sleep depressed. I can't even watch television anymore, there's nothing interesting on it. I'm always on the internet and my bills are rising. my head hurts because of the depression and i cannot get up on time in the morning. Not befroe 10-11am.