Yesterday I made a desperate attempt to convince my ex-wife Natasha to return to me. There really was no chance of success, but I had to try. Of course she said no, gently but firmly. It's far too late to undo the damage I did. She once loved me like no one else ever has or will, but she's moved on. I am so overwhelmed by loneliness and depression that I am barely functional. I may be able to come back, but I can't do it alone. I have no close people to help me, and in my highly depressed state I push people away. I hoped against hope that Natasha would agree, and I could save my life with her love and support. I know I would have loved her and treasured her like I should have years ago. Alas, wisdom comes too late. I really feel hopeless and at the end of my rope. I know it's possible to fight for existence and to survive, but that's not life. I can no longer do it alone. I need to love and be loved, to support and be supported. I had my chances in life but blew them. A lifetime of mistakes, regrets, stupidity, guilt, and inherent depression have caught up to me and surpassed my hope and faith. I really want to end it now. Can't go on in this fog of despair, hoplessness, and loneliness. I am losing my mind. I don't want to be a pathetic, useless, crazy person, but that is where I am heading. To make things worse, it's very likely that I'm going to lose my job soon. I can't even pull myself together enough to work on a resume and look for a new job. I can't even imagine interviewing in my sorry state. I know that things always look worse from the viewpoint of our own sick minds. But depression is controlling me completely now. I have tried various medications and am currently on Wellbutrin, but I don't believe medication can save me. It seems like only a matter of time now until I find the perverse courage to commit the ultimate crime against myself. The demons are closing in. I still pray to God to be saved, though. Maybe I'll come through somehow. But for now the darkness is winning. I hope you are doing better than I am now. Thank you for listening. I'm not sure what good it does to write this out, but I wanted to.