Desperate for love and hope but losing to depression

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Red Nightmare, Feb 28, 2016.

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  1. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Active Member

    Yesterday I made a desperate attempt to convince my ex-wife Natasha to return to me. There really was no chance of success, but I had to try.

    Of course she said no, gently but firmly. It's far too late to undo the damage I did. She once loved me like no one else ever has or will, but she's moved on.

    I am so overwhelmed by loneliness and depression that I am barely functional. I may be able to come back, but I can't do it alone. I have no close people to help me, and in my highly depressed state I push people away.

    I hoped against hope that Natasha would agree, and I could save my life with her love and support. I know I would have loved her and treasured her like I should have years ago. Alas, wisdom comes too late.

    I really feel hopeless and at the end of my rope. I know it's possible to fight for existence and to survive, but that's not life. I can no longer do it alone. I need to love and be loved, to support and be supported.

    I had my chances in life but blew them. A lifetime of mistakes, regrets, stupidity, guilt, and inherent depression have caught up to me and surpassed my hope and faith.

    I really want to end it now. Can't go on in this fog of despair, hoplessness, and loneliness. I am losing my mind. I don't want to be a pathetic, useless, crazy person, but that is where I am heading.

    To make things worse, it's very likely that I'm going to lose my job soon. I can't even pull myself together enough to work on a resume and look for a new job. I can't even imagine interviewing in my sorry state.

    I know that things always look worse from the viewpoint of our own sick minds. But depression is controlling me completely now. I have tried various medications and am currently on Wellbutrin, but I don't believe medication can save me.

    It seems like only a matter of time now until I find the perverse courage to commit the ultimate crime against myself. The demons are closing in. I still pray to God to be saved, though. Maybe I'll come through somehow. But for now the darkness is winning.

    I hope you are doing better than I am now. Thank you for listening. I'm not sure what good it does to write this out, but I wanted to.
    AJE likes this.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I just want you to know I read your thread carefully and that I care. I'm sorry for what's happened with natasha and I hope you will be able to pluck up the courage to find another job soon. I hope it helped to write all that out. It sometimes help just to get it all off your mind and have the support of someone, I wish you the best and maybe your medication is not the right one for you. If I were you I'd go back and tell the doctor your issues with the drug.
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    The break down of a relationship I think is one of the hardest things to recover from, but I have every faith that you can do it - and while it might seem right now that love will never be a part of your life again, it is surprising what the human heart (and mind) can heal.

    I know that it isn't the same but we are here - come to chat and talk to people. When my life completely disintegrated the friendship in chat helped me put things back together. It took a couple of years to start getting better, and I won't pretend it was easy, but the people here meant I wasn't doing it alone.

    You don't have to be alone at all - we are always here.
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  4. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Active Member

    Thank you, Petal. You are a kind and generous person. I will consider your words.
  5. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Active Member

    Thank you for your kind words, Freya.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so sorry to hear how you feel. It's not easy going through that.

    But like Freya said, it truly is remarkable what we can survive and what can heal in time and with a bit of work.

    Don't be scared to reach out, on here or elsewhere. You can make it through this. It might look impossible right now...
    Getting over a relationship is hard, and there's natural stages we all have to go through with that. Sometimes it hits much harder and takes a lot longer to heal... but it does, and it can.

    Treat yourself kind, take care of yourself.
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  7. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Active Member

    Thank you, PhantomLady. I appreciate the words of support. I hope you are doing okay today.
  8. AJE

    AJE Well-Known Member

    Hi David
    How are you ?
    Sorry things didn't work out as u had hoped, I'm in the same situation, I know in my heart my wife won't want me back but I'll try.
    Without her life just doesn't seem worth it
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through right now. But I hope you don't give up. This site can be a place of friendship and support, and I hope you'll let us help you hold on. Feel free to drop me a PM if you ever feel like talking.
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  10. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Active Member

    Thank you, Cherry. I'm trying to hang on while I feel everything is collapsing around me, and I'm paralyzed to do anything about it. Deep loneliness, severe depression, job insecurity, feeling useless, serious illness of my daughter, estrangement from family.. It all seems overwhelming and hopeless.

    And the failure to get back Natasha has disheartened me so much. I have so much regret and self-rebuke from the failure of that relationship, which was all my fault for being a delusional fool. My heart changed and my eyes opened far too late.

    I really have thought a lot about suicide, but part of me is still repulsed by the idea, even though life seems joyless and grim now and has for some time. I know it would hurt other people. I read the stories on this forum by survivors of suicide, and they are heartbreaking.

    My children are young adults, but my 21 year-old daughter is very fragile and nihilistic. Even though her mother and I divorced long ago, she and I used to be close when she was a child. I'm afraid my suicide would affect her in bad ways and perhaps cause her health to get worse. God forbid, she might even copy me someday.

    Also spiritual beliefs hinder my suicide plans. I don't believe we die and that's it. I believe we live on as spirits and have to face the consequences of our actions here on earth. I could be wrong, but that's what my intuition tells me. I have enough to answer for, like hurting Natasha, without adding self-murder to the list.

    Still, the pain, despair, hopelessness, and loneliness I feel constantly makes it very hard to continue. I know others have it a lot worse, and it's self-indulgent to wallow in my own misery, but my mind does what it will. I haven't been able to just shut it off. The compulsion to exit this life is strong and relentless.

    I appreciate your kind words of support. Somehow we all have to get through this human ordeal.
  11. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Active Member

    H, Andy. I've been following your story and know that we both are in similar places. I sympathize greatly with your pain and regret. Without love and closeness with the right person, it all seems meaningless. If only we could undo our mistakes. Damn it, it all seems so unfair and hopeless.

    Good luck in your attempt. I hope you have better results than I did. If you don't, you may feel incredibly intense pain. I don't have any good advice except to try to endure it for awhile and see if it might lessen. That's what I'm trying to do. Hanging by a thread, I guess.
    AJE likes this.
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hopefully talking here and maybe connecting with people, will help ease some of the loneliness you feel.

    One of the worst feelings in the world is regret... wishing we'd done something differently. It's hard to pick yourself up and keep pushing forward when you have those feelings trying to pull you back down. But as difficult as it is, it's doable. You're down, you're hurting, but you're not hopeless!

    There are people who have it better or worse than all of us. But that doesn't make what you're going through any less important. It's okay to express how you feel, it doesn't mean you're wallowing. Sometimes, when your mind just won't stop, it helps to vent, to get those thoughts out of your head.

    I hope you can get through this ordeal, and you don't have to do it alone.
    AJE and Red Nightmare like this.
  13. AJE

    AJE Well-Known Member

    Hi David
    Yes I know I have a slight glimmer of hope that a reconciliation isn't totally out of the question but until I can actually communicate with her I really have no idea.
    I don't hold out much hope at all but I will cling to any crumb of comfort right now.
    As you say without the right person love is meaningless.
    I'm just coping day to day & hopefully the future will be brighter but for now I'm in a bit of daze most of the time & im wishing time away till we can communicate & I'll be able to see what's going to happen.
    Whatever, I will love her unconditionally till the end of my days.
    Keep strong !
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  14. KBambi

    KBambi Active Member

    I know nothing I say can change anything. When I am at my lowest I hold on to my faith. Sometimes that's all we have left to get us through.
    sahel and Red Nightmare like this.
  15. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    We sound in similar situations... But I wasn't married and it wasn't as long. I dread what I'd be like in the same situation.

    I don't know what to say because I feel the same. I feel like I need someone now.... A relationship and someone to talk to....

    Wish you luck
  16. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Active Member

    Thanks, man. Loneliness is the biggest killer to me. I really hope someday I'll get out of it. It's hard to have any kind of relationship when you're in a deep depression, though. You need confidence and energy for that, which is lacking for me now.
  17. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    I hear you. I'm in the same boat I think,been in it awhile... Im using medication and other things to get past today.
  18. AdamTide

    AdamTide Well-Known Member

    You came to just the right place for comfort. :) You are NOT alone. I've got your back. I know how damaging depression can be. How crippling it can be. But there IS hope. There is good to be had in life. Positive thinking can help a lot. It can help to tell yourself that everything is going to be ok and that there's nothing to fear. Comforting uplifting music can help. Rockabye by Shawn Mullins is a great one. As is Breathe by Anna Nalick. One Love by Hootie and the Blowfish is a great song about spreading love and being there for each other. Alright by Darius Rucker is a happy song as well. Find something you enjoy and focus on it. Get good out of each day. We are here for you. Far as meeting someone, just focus on improving yourself and everything else will take care of itself. I'd be glad to help you in any way I can. :) hug
    Red Nightmare likes this.
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