Desperate for reason

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by densha, Feb 10, 2012.

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  1. densha

    densha Member

    Right now I'm alone, so desperately alone. The advice I've gotten over the years and recently has done nothing but made my life worse. Professionals have done little to help. I won't take drugs. The thing is, it's not that I hate myself... it's not that I have no self-esteem. Quite the opposite. I'm very intelligent, attractive, successful, and talented with some amazing hobbies and life experience. Yet it all seems so meaningless. Literally since the day I was born my life has been crap. I've been treated like a pawn for the most part. I'm incredibly kind and everyone even my family uses me as their punching bag and complaint department. This has left me with no one to turn to because I've eliminated basically everyone from my life. My wife left me 3 months ago for another man. An older, bald, ugly man. She was my reason for living. The only happy moments I have from the 30 years of my life are with her. I was supportive, kind, cleaned, cooked, took her everywhere, traveled the world with her, and gave her everything I could. Six years of my life had no meaning whatsoever. Everything I sacrificed and gave, for nothing. I'm desperate for a reason to live. I have everything a person could want... yet I'm not happy. She had way more baggage than me and as a rescuer my life became making her happy. It made me happy. Now it's gone.

    I don't want people to tell me that I have religion. I don't want to hear that I need to be happy with myself. Religion made me feel worse and my parents forced it on me growing up. I feel good about myself, I know I'm an amazing person. I honestly live for love. Without that I have nothing. I've removed everything destructive from my life hoping that would make it better. I moved to a new city with my wife a year ago, found a great job, and really like it here. Without my wife it all seems so pointless. She was cold and cruel, treated me like less than a person and threw me out of the house even though she was cheating. Now she's suddenly being nice to me again, almost acting like we're friends. I'd do anything to get her back but I'm afraid this is all fake. That's the worst part of life. Truth is what you make it and as such the only things I know are true are the things I control. There are too many lies, too many possible lies. I'm an incredibly strong person. I've persevered through things that would kill most people. My life has been endless trauma and turmoil. Abused, cheated on, lied to, taken advantage of, more recently even sexually assaulted. I honestly don't know what is worth living or why people do it... why I do it. The cuts on my arm are deeper than they've been before. It's been 5 years since I've done it. I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to live alone. Dating hasn't worked. Women are shallow and pathetic. Everyone has the same boring life and I need excitement and adventure. It distracts me from this.

    Hope is what keeps me alive, but sometimes that hope vanishes and all that's left is determination to an end. I do risky things. I just don't see the point to life. If you have everything but feel nothing... how is that worth living? The one thing I held precious was taken from me by her choice. When someone promises forever and lies... and you lived for that promise... what do you have left after the promise is gone? That warmth is gone. I just feel cold and empty, day in and day out.
  2. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Hi densha,

    I noticed that you say you have everything, but yet you feel like you are missing something, you say you need excitement and adventure, but that only takes your pain away until the adrenaline is gone, people have hurt you, including your ex, but know that there are great people out there, you won't find them by dating, you will find them by being and doing good.

    You say you live to love, this is the key, not a lustful or obsessive love, but a humble and kind love, give love, let others love you and teach others to love, help the needy, the homeless, the rejected and something magic will happen, you will start to find the good people also helping them, your soul will filled up with a happiness no material thing can give you and you will be thanked from the heart by others.

    Also, forgive those who hurt you, beggining by your ex, wish her the best, that will take any hate away from your heart, when there is hate, there can't be any happiness.

    I will pray for you tonight, I care.
  3. dakotavike

    dakotavike Member

    Hi, I know how you feel. My wife left with the kids after 15 years together and I didn't want to go on anymore. I tried everything to get her back and nothing worked. I just wanted to end out all. But the great thing is, you never know what tomorrow will bring. That's the one thing that keeps my demons at bay. Today might not be the best day but tomorrow brings promise so just wait and see what tomorrow may bring.
  4. densha

    densha Member

    I have thought about volunteering, but again it's only a fix while it's happening. As soon as I go home it all creeps back in too quickly. I'm trying to make friends but's difficult at this age. Everyone is either just starting a family or in transition and doesn't have time. There's also the fact most people are actually miserable but hide it. It's all too easy for me to spot. I try so hard to find ways to fill my time but in the end every morning I wake up I wonder why I'm trying. Especially when I don't know many truly happy people.

    Sure there might be hope and light at the end of this horrifyingly dark tunnel, but I'm really so tired of walking it. Last night I went to a pre-valentines singles party. I found it rather depressing that out of the many women that were there I was neither interested or attracted to any of them. That doesn't bode well. Especially since I threw the concept of destiny, fate, and for the most part faith out the window. At first everything made me more confident, outgoing, and self-aware... that self-awareness turned on me.

    I just feel like I'm biding my time until time itself is what kills me. In the meantime I fill my life with things that will have no point or meaning after I'm gone. Doesn't that make time irrelevant and meaning a hollow purpose? I just don't want this. I wish I were ignorant or ambivalent. I'm bored and notice too much. I think it's funny that every time I meet someone I stare into their eyes looking for something. It's sad what you usually see, mostly pain.
  5. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Hi Densha,

    Please read this quote and let me know if it rings true with you? (BTW, the word "religious" below doesn't me the church stuff but means someone who is string to be himself)

    "CONSCIOUSNESS has two dimensions: one is that of having and the other is that of
    being. And there are only two categories of human beings: one who is struggling hard to
    have more and more, and one who has understood the futility of it and has changed their
    life into the other direction, the direction of being. These people are trying to know who
    they are.

    In the world of having you only believe that you have something, but really you don't
    have anything. You come alone empty-handed and you go alone empty-handed. And all
    that happens in-between is almost like a dream. It appears to be true, while it is there it
    appears to be real, but once it is gone then you understand that nothing was really
    happening. The reality has remained untouched by your dreaming. The world of having is
    nothing but a world of dreaming.

    The religious person is one who has become aware of the futility of it all. You cannot
    have anything except yourself. And all that you have, except yourself, is a deception. It is
    an illusion. And, in fact, that which you have possesses you more than you possess it. The
    possessor finally becomes the possessed. You-think you have so many things -- riches,
    power, money -- but deep down you are being possessed by those same things, you are
    being encaged, enchained, imprisoned by those same things.

    Look at the rich people. They don't possess riches -- they are as poor as any other poor
    man in the world, they are as beggarly as any other beggar. In fact, whatsoever they
    possess possesses them. They are burdened by it." Osho

  6. densha

    densha Member

    I feel that both dimensions of consciousness are pretty miserable. Having things means absolutely nothing to me. I buy things to pass the time, nothing more. I travel all the time, I've lived in 4 different states. I'm already feeling like moving to another state. It was my dream to move here, after a year I'm feeling like it's not the place for me. I have seriously considered selling everything and moving to Asia to become a Buddhist monk. I want tranquility and meaning but I feel like I don't fit into this world. I attempt to find more but all I see are miserable people and a broken world with no hope. My place in it is cold and dark. This is worse than depression, suicidal thoughts, or loneliness. It's the feeling like there was never any point or reason to my existence. People are awful. How one person can betray and destroy another. That's not a world I want to live in. I don't trust anyone anymore. ANYONE. I've even ejected my family from my personal life. I basically only communicate with them so they know I'm still alive. How can I find meaning in life when the one thing I want is impossible? I can't risk putting my heart in someone else's hands again, but that's the only hope I have. I feel pathetic. That my entire point and meaning is to share love with someone. Why do I feel like the only person not living in a fantasy world?
  7. densha

    densha Member

    I had a good day for a while. Don't know why or how. It all came crashing down as soon as I walked in the door of my apartment. The realization that this is my world. A true reality that most people can hide from so easily. I wonder if I find meaning will it hold true? Will it be enough? Pain doesn't hurt anymore. I find myself wishing something bad would happen so I don't have to take anything into my own hands. I'm not afraid of an end. I think I'm more afraid of a new more frightening beginning. What if I have to discover all of this again in another life. Just an endless stream of misery lifetime after lifetime. I'm not afraid of the void of nothing after death. I'm honestly more afraid there might be an infinity. To have been and then not be is a bit disturbing. To have been and then to be forever no matter the state is downright frightening.

    I'm incomplete and hollow. I crave being around others but it's so much more miserable to come home alone. No family to turn to, no friends to spend time with, no more significant other to be there when I feel like falling apart. I wasn't allowed to fall apart and now that I have no reason to stay strong, no one to fight for it's all just shattering over and over. I feel like I'm searching for some sort of perfection that doesn't exist. An answer without a question. I hate being aware of myself, my thoughts. I don't dream anymore, I don't even have nightmares. It's just nothingness. Like my life is a void of space and time.

    I'm trying to ignore tomorrow. I hated that day even when I was with someone.
  8. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Hey Densha,

    That's powerful....I'm really moved by your ability to put feelings into words...

    I don't know if reincarnation exists by I'm open to it....makes more sense to me than heaven/hell. I suppose if we knew we were coming back again and again until we figure out this life, it would motivate us to seek truth vs. seek death?

    Here's something I wrote about what the meaning of life is to me. I think it's very much intune with your sentiments.

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