Right now I'm alone, so desperately alone. The advice I've gotten over the years and recently has done nothing but made my life worse. Professionals have done little to help. I won't take drugs. The thing is, it's not that I hate myself... it's not that I have no self-esteem. Quite the opposite. I'm very intelligent, attractive, successful, and talented with some amazing hobbies and life experience. Yet it all seems so meaningless. Literally since the day I was born my life has been crap. I've been treated like a pawn for the most part. I'm incredibly kind and everyone even my family uses me as their punching bag and complaint department. This has left me with no one to turn to because I've eliminated basically everyone from my life. My wife left me 3 months ago for another man. An older, bald, ugly man. She was my reason for living. The only happy moments I have from the 30 years of my life are with her. I was supportive, kind, cleaned, cooked, took her everywhere, traveled the world with her, and gave her everything I could. Six years of my life had no meaning whatsoever. Everything I sacrificed and gave, for nothing. I'm desperate for a reason to live. I have everything a person could want... yet I'm not happy. She had way more baggage than me and as a rescuer my life became making her happy. It made me happy. Now it's gone. I don't want people to tell me that I have religion. I don't want to hear that I need to be happy with myself. Religion made me feel worse and my parents forced it on me growing up. I feel good about myself, I know I'm an amazing person. I honestly live for love. Without that I have nothing. I've removed everything destructive from my life hoping that would make it better. I moved to a new city with my wife a year ago, found a great job, and really like it here. Without my wife it all seems so pointless. She was cold and cruel, treated me like less than a person and threw me out of the house even though she was cheating. Now she's suddenly being nice to me again, almost acting like we're friends. I'd do anything to get her back but I'm afraid this is all fake. That's the worst part of life. Truth is what you make it and as such the only things I know are true are the things I control. There are too many lies, too many possible lies. I'm an incredibly strong person. I've persevered through things that would kill most people. My life has been endless trauma and turmoil. Abused, cheated on, lied to, taken advantage of, more recently even sexually assaulted. I honestly don't know what is worth living or why people do it... why I do it. The cuts on my arm are deeper than they've been before. It's been 5 years since I've done it. I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to live alone. Dating hasn't worked. Women are shallow and pathetic. Everyone has the same boring life and I need excitement and adventure. It distracts me from this. Hope is what keeps me alive, but sometimes that hope vanishes and all that's left is determination to an end. I do risky things. I just don't see the point to life. If you have everything but feel nothing... how is that worth living? The one thing I held precious was taken from me by her choice. When someone promises forever and lies... and you lived for that promise... what do you have left after the promise is gone? That warmth is gone. I just feel cold and empty, day in and day out.